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necronomicon jones

necronomicon jones

by necronomicon jones
There's a "Hell Gate" in the garden, "Ghouls" are eating your Granny and something with tentacles has taken over the toilet. Time to call the professionals.
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3 Months Ago

necronomicon jones

There's a "Hell Gate" in the garden, "Ghouls" are eating your Granny and something with tentacles has taken over the toilet. Time to call the professionals.

Recent Comments

You can dribble on my snood, you can blow your nose on my undergarments , you can even use my sisters toothbrush to get rid of toe jam, stubborn ear wax and and cling-ons ….. BUT ….. I swear to whatever twisted deity is listening, if you ever take a dump in my handbag THEN I WILL END YOU.
Big Tony
“Uturo mesah ftang toolu cthut meh sonta defut” (roughly translates as … ‘I will eat your face and suck your soul out through your kidneys’. It can also be taken as ‘please pass the lumpy soup my nipples are exploding.’ It all depends on the accent and how well you roll your rrrrrrs).
Of course a really REALLY smart guy would be happily sat at home in his underwear, channel hopping and eating cereal straight from the packet. Personally I recommend "Crunchy nut cornflakes" but I'm always open to suggestions.
Fun fact, Captain Sensible is an incarnation of the Aztec God Tezcatlipoca.  He is associated with war, rulership, eternal youth, divination, sorcery, and jaguars. His main period of worship him in the month of May (in the infamous Toxcatl ceremony). He hit the headlines a few years ago when he turned his back on blood sacrifices and said he would now only accept cash, good vodka and jelly babies with the green ones taken out.
A brief little interlude to give you an insight into our mighty heroes. Make the most of it because next week we continue to plunge deep into the horror infested bowels of the “underhive.” Do you dare to follow us? Mwahaha etc.
You Know
I know that you know that we know that they know that we know .... ummm you know .... yeah
I have no idea where she got the glass of wine. She has a strange talent for locating Merlot. There are several cults in Eastern Europe who worship her as a goddess because of this.
Blame Big Tony
Actually the rectal polyps were cooked to perfection with garlic and cream. We had seconds.
Come to Momma
We don’t think she ever really put a hedgehog in a blender. She may be thinking of that unpleasant and messy incident in 2004 which involved three ninja nuns, a baseball bat and a cheese grater.
Free at last
She has a point. Her “Secret Santa” last year was a bottle of holy water and a voucher for the local sunbed salon.
Dress Dribbling
I hate it when dudes dribble on my dress. And its never on the skanky, poo coloured dress with ketchup stains down the front … it’s always on the red chiffon number that I reserve for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Bast**ds.
It’s amazing the sheer power you can generate by simply flexing your buttocks.
Special Sauce
If you put that “rectal flump wotsit” anywhere near my “musty wang flaps” and I swear to god I will end you.
It is perfectly possible that, in some corners of the world, “scabby phlegm encrusted maggot” is a term of endearment.
Pop, Crunch, Aaaargh!
Shatnoddling  - "When you lie on the ground in a twisted heap and realise you hadn't really thought the plan out properly."
Can I get fries with that?
The best thing about cooking vampires is you don’t need a BBQ. All you need is some thick iron chains and a sunny day. Get some marshmallows on sticks, grab some potatoes and wrap them in foil, make a day of it, bring the kids.
Goat Lips
Dearest reader,let me assure you that no goat was harmed during the making of this page. The juicy dutch farmhand was not so lucky ..... but as we like to say in Wales, "dance with the devil and you will end up a squishy mess."
Really big things.
She means those giant toblerones you can buy at Christmas. The ones as big as your arm.
Ring Ring?
Hello, my name is Jeremy, how can I help you today? Hell, my name is Jeremy? Can I hep, Hello my name? Brains?mmmmmm brainzzzzzzz ……… kill the phone, kill it, make it bleed hahahahahahaha. Hello, my name is Jeremy.
It's not a proper cunning plan unless you dislocate a limb and lick a mobile phone.