I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

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I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

Postby LyraHarpStrings » February 17th, 2016, 12:04 am

I'm one year out of highschool almost two. I haven't got a job yet. I've looked everywhere I've applied everywhere I can locally. I've filled out several online applications and still nothing. I've even done follow up calls on these places and have had help with my resume. No place seems to want to hire me and its stressful. It's really stressful because of my over bearing mother who jumps down my throat and blames me for not having a job even though I've been trying for a year now.

I didn't pass my first semester at college which wasn't too bad since it was only 2 classes. The reason for it was because I wasn't able to attend the car kept breaking down and I had no other ways to get there. The buses in my area would get me there but not in time for the classes by the time I'd get up there the classes would be over the bus routes took so long. I tried communicating with my math teacher but he didn't respond to the 10 emails I sent him. I even asked him in person about what to do and he just shrugged. I tried talking to my English teacher about giving me the homework ahead of time but he wasn't having it. My mom found out that I wasn't passing but still refused to help me find a way to get the car fixed. I rode with friends as often as I could but it still wasn't enough and I ended up missing 2 months of school because I wasn't able to get to my classes.

The second half of the semester I took an English class then my grandmother died. After that it was hard for me to keep up with any of my classes. Not only that but my niece that I'd raised since I was 10 came back with an MRI suggesting that her cancer came back and I was worried to death about her because I didn't want her to relapse.

Later that same semester I got diagnosed with depression. My mom didn't believe me when I told her that I was sad or that somedays I'd just want to stay in bed because I felt so bad. She'd just tell me "Don't be sad" "Get over it" "You can stop being sad" "Stop throwing yourself a pity party" "Stop being sad" "Stop it right now" "You're not sad you're just mad because I told you, you can't do _____!" "You're not sad you're just mad at me." All kinds of things like that until I went to the doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant. Even now she wants me off them saying "You can't be on them forever" "You'll get better and never have to be on those damn things again" "You know that really isn't a miracle drug" "I don't know why you're on those you were just fine before" As if I was just fine with wanting to kill myself. As if I was just fine hating ever waking moment of every single day because I knew I'd never amount to anything in the long run. As if I was just fine thinking about jumping out my window or driving the car off the bridge. As if I was fine crying my eyes out everyday because I felt like I was the scum of the earth. As if I was fine shoving inhumane amounts of food down my throat hoping that I'd get a heart attack or stroke. I didn't get help with my classes in time. By the time I had finally gotten the medicine the semester was over and I'd dropped the classes out of fear of failing them.

I've just started my second semester I'm taking 2 classes. I'm taking an art class and a sociology class. I'm still worried that I won't perform well enough to pass. I've run out of my prescribed medicine I'll have to go get some tomorrow or I'll relapse again. Although I feel like I'm already starting to because I've felt like complete shit the past 5 days that I haven't been able to go out and get it. I have no drive for anything at all. The past few days I have just wanted to sleep and do nothing else but sleep. The thoughts of suicide are back and I just can't stand it anymore. My mother says I'm the worst and that I keep failing her. She "Doesn't know what to do with me." She called me fat today. Told me to go look in the mirror when I asked if I could have a piece of bread. She doesn't care that I'm trying to succeed in school or that I've started this webcomic. When I showed her it she said "Is this going to make you any money?" "No? Then why are you doing it?" When I tried telling her about the facebook page I'd formatted for it she said "Did someone offer to pay you for making your comic?" Completely undermining any bit of advertising I had done for it making me feel like shit for even telling other people about it. It made me feel terrible. Because I am still looking for a job and she acts like I'm not trying and that I'm spending all my time on this comic rather than looking for work. I want to get a Patreon. I'm kind of scared because I don't know how it will work as far as taxes go for it. Or if I'd get any support on it until I find a job. I need to move out to get away from my mother. She constantly drags me down and acts like I don't care about what's happened or what I've done. She acts like I don't hate myself for failing my first semester she acts like I don't care that my niece is still sick. She acts like I don't care about anything and that I'm just this horrible monstrous daughter. She constantly tells me that I won't ever amount to anything with what I'm doing. She keeps asking me "What are you going to do with your life?" I keep telling her that I want to be an illustrator or an animator, at my current college I cannot pursue a degree in animation because they don't offer on the closest thing to it is a graphic design degree which is what I'm currently going for. But she doesn't think that's good enough and wants me to become a preschool teacher.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared that I'm going to fail these classes and she's going to kill me. I want to live with one of my friends but I don't want to burden them by living with them. Because living with someone else is just a burden I don't want to give people who do deserve it. I need to get out my mother hates me and my brother throws violent fits. I wish I lived in a place that had lots of work opportunities for people who lack experience. The whole concept of work experience is bullshit anyway how am I supposed to get any fucking experience if no one will fucking hire me? I've applied 8 times to the college newspaper for comic art and the lady keeps saying "WE NEED MOAR ARTISTS FOR THE COMIC SECTION" Yet won't hire any fucking person applying. I know this because I asked the other journalism kids how many have applied. Only 3 other people besides me applied and she didn't take anyone on. I've been trying to do commissions but no one wants my art. And I don't blame them what kind of person wants traditional art anyway when digital looks how it does? My art doesn't even begin to compare to the professional digital artists on Deviantart. I wish it did though. I've been working so hard at improving since highschool and it feels like I haven't improved a bit. I keep trying to get some commission work because I have a working scanner and still nothing. I can do pixel gifs but no one likes pixels and its a dying form of digital art. I just don't know what to do I need a job I need to move out and get away from my mother but I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I can't seem to do anything right and I just want to give up. But I know I can't give up. If I give up I'd be throwing away everything I'm working for.
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Re: I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

Postby mitchellbravo » February 17th, 2016, 7:19 am

A short response because I need to get ready to leave, hopefully someone else will come along and add more-

You need to get away from your mother. She is toxic and as long as you are living with her, her verbal abuse will undo any steps forward you are able to make. I know it's easier said than done but that is an essential issue here. That should be your #1 priority (besides picking up your meds). That is a higher priority than school right now IMO.
Also, go today and get your meds. Disregard what your mom has said about them. You don't need to do things just to please her. She blatantly doesn't know what she's talking about, so her words are irrelevant to your actual situation.

As for being jobless at 20, a lot of us were there. It's hard luck finding a job right now, depending on where you are. For now you just want something that will allow you to go in on rent with someone, pay some bills, buy groceries. At this point don't worry about finding something career related. Focus on picking up a shitty retail job that you will hate but that will give you some spending money as well as some self-confidence about being able to live independently of your mother. If you are already doing this, 1. keep trying and 2. expand your search to other areas where you can look for living space. If you get the job, you will be able to pay your share of the rent. This might also be ab etter idea since the mass transit seems so unreliable where you are now.
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Re: I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

Postby Fukairi » February 17th, 2016, 8:23 am

I know how it's to live with a mother like that (verbal & physical abuse) but trust me, if you move out your relationship will get a lot better. Of course moving out isn't as simple, so if you have relatives or friends that could arrange you to stay with them for a couple of weeks as a start would be good. Like my mom still gives me shit everytime I see her, but she's also there for me a lot more than she ever was when I was still living at home. When kids grow up, the relationship with parents starts going sour suuuper fast (it's like this with everyone to some extent).

I also was unemployed for one year after high school. I know how hard it is, but send applications every day of the working week (keep weekends for recuperating). If there are any big retail chains in your area you've applied to, apply to them again. One of my colleagues purely got her job because she applied three times in a row. Also lie out of your ass in the interviews, never talk about money before the employer has told you they are interested in hiring you. They don't expect you to want to spend the rest of your life as a cashier in some shop, but that's how you should make it seem to them, because that is how you convince them you'll stick around for more than a few months. Apply for jobs you don't exactly qualify but that are in your skill range, sell your ability to learn fast. Also if you have ever house/dog/baby sat in the past for longer periods of time add those into your resume. Any kind of 'unofficial' experience that shows you have been trusted with something important is always a +. If they don't require a photo for resume always include one anyway, and take a basic photo with your best people smile with no photoshops or filters. Never cuss on the interviews, keep solid eyecontact and pay attention to your body-language. Be as open as possible, don't fold your arms. Speak loud and clearly, especially if you are applying for any customer service jobs. Smile at all times.
It'd be best if you could practice the interview situation with someone.

As someone who've been under heavy anti-depressant doses for the past years, taking your meds is very important. I don't know what meds you take, but I'm assuming you're using some serotonine supplements (most anti-depressants are a variant of those) and like, you must not never ever ever be without your meds for longer than a day at most. You do not want to go through serotonine withdrawal (basically everytime you move you feel electric shocks through your body it is horrible). Serotonine meds also take the same amount of time to work on you everytime you go to the point where you get withdrawal symptoms, so everyday you don't take your meds you are actually taking a months worth of progress and throwing it into the trash. Get a friend to walk you to the pharmacist, I know how bad anxiety can get but if you have someone who practically drags you to where you need to go it's a hundred times easier.

Also apply for a leave from college. Obviously school is not something you need to be focusing at right now. Talk to your guidance councelor (or whatever it's called) and discuss your options. Taking a break from school is not the end of the world, and you'll learn better once you are in a situation you actually want to go and learn things.
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Re: I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

Postby Zarl » February 21st, 2016, 2:18 am

mitchellbravo wrote:As for being jobless at 20, a lot of us were there. It's hard luck finding a job right now, depending on where you are. For now you just want something that will allow you to go in on rent with someone, pay some bills, buy groceries. At this point don't worry about finding something career related. Focus on picking up a shitty retail job that you will hate but that will give you some spending money as well as some self-confidence about being able to live independently of your mother. If you are already doing this, 1. keep trying and 2. expand your search to other areas where you can look for living space. If you get the job, you will be able to pay your share of the rent. This might also be ab etter idea since the mass transit seems so unreliable where you are now.



100% backing this, everything she says. I wasn't able to get a job until I moved to SF and started at my third college. Even then it was retail until I could get an internship and etc. Some areas are really not good places to get work in if they are more suburban.
Last edited by Zarl on March 7th, 2016, 4:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

Postby JoKeR » March 3rd, 2016, 3:20 pm

Zarl wrote:he

She.


;)
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Re: I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

Postby Zarl » March 7th, 2016, 4:30 pm

JoKeRcologne wrote:
Zarl wrote:he

She.


;)



My mistake D:
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Re: I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

Postby mitchellbravo » March 7th, 2016, 5:51 pm

Lol, it's fine, I promise. With the screen name and avatar I'm basically in drag anyway. It doesn't bother me :)
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Re: I feel empty, broken, and I don't know what to do

Postby espeon8812 » February 16th, 2017, 11:43 pm

I also have parents that are rather...well, I'm not quite sure if it's abusive, but they are very verbally harsh. They expect a lot out of me as well. If you can't get a job in retail or a restaurant, etc., I have a suggestion for you. If you play any sports, or have ever played any enough to know some fundamental rules of play, try finding a local sports club and certifying yourself as a referee. Go for the oldest players you are allowed to/feel comfortable to referee. I referee my soccer league, and it pays very well. However, be warned: Individual games do indeed pay well, but you'll only be able to make enough money to support yourself if you referee at least a few games everyday, maybe more, maybe less, depending on how much it pays. I get paid $25 just for being an assistant referee at middle schoolers' games. I referee those for fun on the weekends, when I have spare time outside of schoolwork. Once I'm old enough to move out, I wouldn't be able to support myself just by refereeing a few games over the weekend.

It sounds like you're older than me, but my parents expect some similar things out of me. They also don't believe in depression, so they don't know about mine. All I can say is the same thing as everyone else. I have not taken meds because I haven't been taken to a counselor/therapist. I have done a little research though, and falling off your meds does reset everything. You need to make sure you never run out of them. Next time, try to go out and buy them before you run out. Make sure to remind yourself to get more meds when the bottle is about 1/4 full.

As for your mother, I do suggest getting out of the house. The relationship will most likely get better when you don't need to see each other everyday. Keep working at getting your job, re-apply as many times as you can for jobs, keep looking for new ones. Once you get enough money to take care of yourself, you can move out and live on your own without the poison ivy living with your mother.

Another way to make money is to enter competitions in things you're passionate about and good at. Art competitions, for example. Enter competitions with cash/check prizes, something of the nature that could help you start to live on your own.


I sincerely hope your situation gets better soon, good luck! :D
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