"Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

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"Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby repsychus » March 25th, 2013, 11:13 pm

Webcomic: "Special" Care
URL: http://www.smackjeeves.com/comicprofile.php?id=111268
Creator/s: jazselup101
Run: 07/12 - current
Schedule: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays

I will be reviewing Chapters 1-5 (aprox. 214 pages). This is a very long work. Please read all of it for maximum consideration.

~ ~ ~ SCORING ~ ~ ~
5/5 = perfection
4/5 = original and worth reading
3/5 = great potential but needs work
2/5 = worth skimming, but highly unoriginal
1/5 = really not worth reading
0/5 = absolute garbage

Subjects to be discussed will be: Profile, Writing/dialogue, Sequential Mastery, and Art. Section at the end for summary and misc.

****WARNING: SERIOUS PLOT SPOILERS! PLEASE READ THE COMIC FIRST!****

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

PROFILE

The profile for "Special" Care is lackluster.

This is about two enemies: Kant, the city hero and Jeremiah, the city criminal/villain. They were fighting, until Jeremiah broke his arm. With his kind heart, Kant deiced to take care of him until Jeremiah arm has healed and trying to put up with him for six weeks. Soon enough after living with Kant for a few days, Jeremiah started to fall for Kant. But, Kant still hates him…. or does he?


While I know I could go into the grammatical errors and nitpick over word usage, I'm just going to start with the bare bones of what I'm reading. The opening line immediately underlines the cliche of love/hate yaoi, which is very common and very popular. If you are pandering to that crowd, well done. You've effectively made your point that, yes, these are two enemies, but this is a bl and therefore they will somehow fall in love regardless of the circumstances. You establish that one is a hero and one is a villain, so we already have that expectation coming to us that this is going to be a super-human love story.

However, instead of attempting to offer context beyond "one is a villain and one is a hero," you jump immediately into the circumstances at the start of the story. This gives your characters a blanket identity with a set of expectations; think Superman and Lex Luther sorts of expectations. Surely there is something more unique about these two beyond their respective job titles. What kind of super heroes/villains are they? Are they well known and famous? What crimes does Jeremiah commit? Are they the only supers in town? You don't set up much for us beyond the cliche of a relationship based on hatred. It's a lackluster start.

Next you start outlining the main thread of the story where super hero Kant has broken the arm of Jeremiah, the presumed heartless villain. Instead of taking him to the cops, Kant so generously offers to nurse his arch nemesis back to health at his own expense for a month and a half. And then the typical tag line of "they settle into a one sided romantic relationship...or do they?" This is typical. It has been used multiple times before. Try something else.

Score: 2/5

Suggestions: You need to be more aware of your audience. While this profile may make perfect sense to you, some reader may skim past this simply because the language is confusing or the premise seems too shallow. Really delve deep into the characters themselves and offer previews and snippets that will make readers want to read more - and then stick around to keep reading!

My suggestion to you would be to start your profile off with a bang. If you're going the campy, comic route, try: "Bif! Bam! Pow! Super hero Kant and his evil arch nemesis Jeremiah turn the city into a war zone in this high octane ride of romance, spandex, and...good Samaritanship?" If you want to convey more of the drama, I would suggest something like: "You will know no greater love than your worst enemy. Super hero Kant found this out the hard way by inviting the dastardly super villain Jeremiah into his home."

I am not looking to script your profile for you, but just remember that your profile is the first thing anyone sees of your comic. If it's not interestingly written, you have a good chance of losing readers.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

WRITING/DIALOGUE

We're going to work on the writing by chapters, because it just makes things easier that way and I can really get to the root causes of things.

First Chapter: Broken Bones

The main thing I dislike about this chapter is the same thing I disliked about the profile - there is some really poor set up involved. We cut in at the image of a fight that, grant you, I am really proud of you for attempting. Very few bl authors that I have sampled will start with action, as their forte tends to lean towards the more emotive comics (shoujo, mainly). However, while we are thrown into the mix of Kant and Jeremiah fighting with awesome powers, we are not given any context for why they are fighting, where they are fighting, or even if anyone else around them gives a hoot n' holler what they're doing. I'd imagine fantastical powers like theirs would be noticed a lot quicker by the average Joe walking down the street. Furthermore, neither attempt to conceal their identity. Is this a character design decision or a plot decision? Because if anyone saw them battling and remembered their faces, there would be no way that Kant could later drag Jeremiah to his apartment without the tenants realizing they had a pair of super humans living next door. While I understand the excitement of getting to the good stuff you are forgetting setting like nobody's business. Now let's talk about their relationship, since that is the part we all want to get to.

Let me start by saying your attempts at sexual tension make both characters seem schizophrenic to some degree. One minute they are grumbling at each other as super villains and super heroes rightfully should, and the next we have this confusing inner monologue about how someone cares about someone else's furniture. If you want to drive tension, I would suggest SHOWING instead of TELLING. While having inner dialogue can be an easy way of giving further insight into a character, the way that you place them on the page is cluttered at best. You cannot tell when it's Kant or Jeremiah thinking, though that is irrelevant because the only time you really use inner monologues is when you're trying to force romantic tension - so, really, the names could be interchangeable and it'd still be poor writing.

And while I believe it's a good thing that you did your research and saw to the length of recovery time for Jeremiah's arm being about accurate, I find it highly implausible that such a feared super villain would not be hauled off to jail at Kant's earliest convenience. The sense of guilt he suddenly feels is a tad forced, even considering their prior history. If there has been such a rivalry between them in their professional and personal lives, then why is it that Kant is giving into Jeremiah's pain? Prisons have very good doctors and certainly more provisions for medical care than Kant could offer. Oh, and let's not forget that he is actually interested in capturing Jeremiah because he's a wanted super criminal - not just some thug he battered in a street fight.

Score: 2/5

Suggestions: This, like many yaoi, runs on a flimsy scenario that barely holds together the initial character designs, the plot points, or in some cases reality. It lacks logic in its initial execution, not necessarily its premise. I am not saying that this is unsalvagable, but it's definitely weak writing. Now if Kant had somehow overused his powers to fight Jeremiah - a broken arm is excusable when attempting to collar a renown supervillian, methinks - I could see him rightfully feeling guilty. However, I do not see him taking personal responsibility for a criminal his entire organization has been attempting to stop for what I assume (and which has not been specified) a long time. If you can logically defend his actions beyond the need to get these two into a one bedroom apartment for the potential mansex, I will revoke my judgement immediately. I think at this point, even considering whatever angsty past you may offer, it does not suit a character design like Kant's.

Rather, I wish I could have seen this play out with the restrictions of reality adding that level of relatable situations to the story. Had it been me, I would have had Jeremiah go to prison. However, due to his powers, I would have had him put in a place that was secure enough to hold him - a place that would require Kant's surveillance until a proper containment field could be constructed. This would have offered later drama when that cell was finished and Kant by that time may have developed feelings for Jeremiah. Their parting would have driven conflict and drama, but still maintained that level of realism. In the meantime, Kant's proximity as guard to a villain equal to his powers could have given you the avenue for that relationship to blossom. At this point, the entire chapter comes off as quick and forced. I get what you're trying to do, but it makes for transparent motives on your part and questionable ones on the part of your characters.

Chapter Two: Living with You

Now we are getting more into the relationship between Kant and Jeremiah in close quarters. Again, there is a great deal of forced romance between a pair that are considered deathly rivals based on their occupation, their moral standing, and their general attitudes. Even so, this chapter starts out as an improvement from the last, because it's playing clearly to your strengths. You are very much interested in the social aspects of a story. You play to light comedy better than you do to some of the setting aspects or the structure of your universe. If we were to remove any concept about super powers, super villains/heroes, or complex supernatural themes, this would be a very pleasant story about two guys that don't get along who happen to be rooming together for a period of time. One thing would lead to another. There would be some drama and tension, which would eventually lead to sex, a questioning of orientations, and eventually romantic compromise. A really sweet, simple comic.

I will note that pull ups should not be "impossible" for a super hero. I found that dialogue to be very juvenile, even for Jeremiah who sometimes has the attitude of a prissy thirteen-year-old. It makes him amusing overall, but it just kind of struck me as odd that he, the one with super powers, would find pull ups difficult.

Score: 3/5

Suggestions: The reason for my scoring is that this chapter was good to establish their moods and habits when spending time together, but cliches like falling atop of the other, viewing the other while doing something "sexy," or being subject to situations that may only expand on their characters in a minor sense are unoriginal. Still, this is where you are skilled. I would have liked to see a longer chapter with a single, relatable situation. I liked that you used their differing tastes in music in order to underscore their different approaches to life. Again, this particular chapter read like a standard roommate romance. It worked better for displaying the hurdles both Kant and Jeremiah would have to get over in order to see eye to eye. It did not, however, convince me that they should be in love yet or even sexually attracted to each other. I'm surprised Kant hasn't thrown out Jeremiah by this point, broken arm or no.

My general suggestions would be to expand upon the relationship with similar chapters like this to help build up rapport between your characters and your audience. If you show your readers why they should care about these two seeing eye to eye by showcasing their differences and how they overcome them, it ensures more emotional attachment for later dramatic events.

Chapter Three: Dating The Wrong Kind

This chapter contains misogynistic overtones and really does little to be able to relay your story at hand. While the last chapter left me very hopeful of improving writing, this one just about made me quit reading. It was the hardest to get over, mostly because I am a feminist and I truly dislike the way you represented women at this point in the story. The title of this chapter seemed dubious, but I was wondering if perhaps, being a super, Kant would end up in a relationship with some kind of alien space woman intent on destroying the world and Jeremiah would save him. That was the hope, anyway. By the time the token black woman made her token black woman speech complete with colloquial slang, I was feeling very disappointed at the feminine representations. I expected better, but I know that BL in general can fall into that "wicked witch" syndrome as well as general female bashing to help enforce the natural acceptance of homoerotic themes. I don't like it, but I will put my feelings aside to be able to explain why this chapter is unimportant to your story as a whole.

1. This chapter paints Kant as the center of the universe: all the women want him, all the men either want to be him or be with him as well. This is an unrealistic representation, even of a super hero character. Yes, he's powerful and strong. Yes, he's handsome and kind. Even so, those that are used to being around him should not need to reiterate this fact. His deeds should speak louder than anyone else's words. The fact he has taken in a villain that by all rights he should have left bleeding on the sidewalk showcases this enough. Why are you reiterating it with cardboard secondary characters whose purpose is interchangeable or meant for puppeting situational lines? Show, don't tell. Common mistake among comic writers in general.

2. If you were attempting to make Jeremiah jealous, it still makes no sense. His mood swings from pissed off at Kant to lonely to finding Kant romantically attractive just make him look inconsistent at best. The same level of jealousy could be achieved by the cat at this point. Why do you need for him to go on a date? If you're looking to be able to create some kind of romantic realization for Jeremiah, then that would be better off achieved by having Jeremiah care about Kant for more than as the provider of food and shelter. Their companionship at this point has only been outlined as an annoyance to them both. It's clear that Kant does not have romantic attachments to anyone. Not only is the marriage comment by one of his office lackeys a far stretch, but the thought that Jeremiah should be affected by something as simple as a date puts this relationship on the level of a middle school crush. I'm assuming that these two are adults. With their pasts potentially being as complex as you hint, shouldn't their overall reactions to each other be similarly complex or at least guarded? Shouldn't they be further along in their affections, or at least to the level of friendship?

3. Was your goal to make Kant look like a fragile, emotionally damaged man despite the fact that he himself didn't even want to go on a date? This is detrimental to Kant's character as a strong, self-assured individual whose goals in life are to protect the populace of the city. His character actually devolves in this chapter, because he spends one minute being the busy boss with a whole headquarters counting on his super powers to sobbing in a bar over a woman who he dated for all of one meal. If she was his girlfriend of several years, it would make absolute sense. One date does not. This paints Kant as an immature, mentally delicate, deeply insecure individual in all the wrong ways.

About the only thing this chapter did right for me was attempting to set up world rules regarding super powers and giving an adequate hint at Kant and Jeremiah's past. Everything else I could have done without, as you have effectively painted the first named female character with more than three pages of face time as a manipulative slut. Why does she even go for the waiter in this chapter? Wasn't her original intent to get Kant in her clutches for whatever nefarious things she planned with his heart? If she had been working so hard to get Kant to date her, then why screw up her date? It doesn't make logical sense for any woman, manipulative or not.

Score: 1/5

Suggestions: Overhaul this chapter. If you want Kant to be able to end up in the bar drunk and sad please make the woman he is dating a long-term relationship, a decent human being and therefore worth feeling loss over, and allow him the emotional stability of being reduced to tears over a truly tragic occurance. Do not make him desired by anything with a vagina, as it makes him appear to be a Mary Sue and marks any female characters as nothing more than potential sideline cheerleaders to fawn over him.

Chapter Four: Drunken Love

This chapter should be retitled "Drunken Rape."

You cannot consent to sex if you are intoxicated.

That is non-negotiable. If you are attempting to make Jeremiah look like an emotionally sadistic rapist, you've done a good job. This "sex scene" is actually sexual assault, which is deeply scarring both mentally and physically. Never mind that the mechanics of what you've shown here would involve anal tearing/trauma, rectal bleeding, and excruciating pain - yes, you forgot the lube, Jeremiah. Going in dry isn't pleasurable in any sense. No, beyond even that, you've gone ahead and expressed in your comments that this is meant to be a positive experience. Your comments speak for themselves:

"Why does Kant feel weird? Could it be the drinks or....something else? *wink* " (PG 129)

"Yeah ladies, Kant's a freaking virgin! How can someone like that be a virgin? Come on! JK! JK! Seems like Jeremiah's happy about it^^ *pats his head*" (PG 130)

"Be prepared, Kant darling! He's inside you now! Hit that G-spot, J!" (PG 131)

"But, he did call him love. So, that should count for something.....right? .....Yeah, I'm totally right^^ He's basically apologizing....in his cool kinda way, I guess^^; Sorry I had to make you cry, Kant darling! But, it's for the yaoi. *hugs him* " (PG 132)

I don't think you intend to hurt anyone. I don't think you intend to glorify anal rape.

Even so, I would like to educate you on the effects, because you never know who is going to read your comic who may have gone through a similarly traumatic experience. If you are attempting to fetishize rape, I suggest you make that disclaimer clear. There is nothing wrong with fetishes, but if you think for even a second that this is a healthy sexual relationship, you are incredibly misinformed. This is not romantic. This is not "squee-worthy." This is one person forcing another into sexual intercourse without consideration for their feelings, physical well being, or even their rights as a person.

Score: 0/5

Suggestions: If you wish to show Jeremiah as any semblance of a morally responsible human being, you will have him abstain and control his erection in the face of Kant's inability to consent. If you wish to fetishize rape and express it in terms of your own personal kinks, please place a disclaimer on the comic itself. It's not that you cannot write rape effectively into a story, but its glorification both within and outside of these pages is deeply disturbing. This is what is wrong with a lot of yaoi today. If you are attempting to minimize the affects of rape in order to address them as a primal urge among humans, I suggest backing up your psychology with some kind of deeper meaning beyond "lol sex."

In order to be able to write anal sex effectively, I would suggest doing some research. Perhaps speaking to those in the gay community would be beneficial. Certainly representing the sexuality fairly and in a healthy way will encourage readers to follow suit. Help promote caring and loving sex, as I believe you originally intended to express.

Chapter Five: Lies and Confessions

Jeremiah continues to be emotionally sadistic. Not only is he rubbing the fact he has taken Kant's anal virginity through an act of rape, which Kant points out correctly that he had "no right to do," but he taunts him with further threats of this kind of abuse. Kant, as has happened in so many yaoi and BL comics before, begins to question even his own sane thoughts regarding the assault. This is a repeated theme throughout the chapter and continues on into the later reactions between Jeremiah and Kant. I personally think that Kant's attitude towards the situation is rather lax. I would almost expect him to be less accomodating, especially since a coworker questions Jeremiah's whereabouts within this chapter. Rape is a very good reason to go to jail, but I digress.

The rest of the chapter is colored with a repeat visit from Violet, the woman that dumped Kant at the restaurant for the waiter. She is spreading lies and rumors about the workforce regarding Kant's behavior during their date. The situation is rectified when Kant first intends to fire her (I wonder where Human Resources and workplace bias laws falls into this universe...), but is stopped with an intervention by her elder brother. Violet has leveled up from evil bitch to hapless girlfrienemy. She seems to have become a regular part of the cast, but retains her unsavory characteristics and shallow, self-centered nature.

The final pages leave us with the culmination of Jeremiah's confession that the sole reason he sodomized Kant while he was drunk, continued to kiss him without his permission, and threatens future sexual assault is because Jeremiah "likes him." I'm praying that Kant punches him at the beginning of Chapter Six, but this is where I end my review.

Score: 3/5

Suggestions: I would suggest making Violet's reason for attempting to spread lies about Kant more concrete. At this point, lying about another person's actions is not a way to gain their favor. Unless Violet is emotionally twisted, which she may very well be based on her track record, this doesn't really fly by me as a reasonable explanation for her actions during and after the date. If she truly was after Kant, her boss, why would she decide to fool around with a waiter even before sealing the deal?

And you already know my general feelings about Jeremiah's behavior. I don't see need to reiterate them. What bothers me is that Kant is not more cautious around Jeremiah after what he has experienced. Surely the idea that Jeremiah knowingly did something without Kant's consent would make a hardened super hero think twice about trusting him. This love from rape scenario is apparent in many yaoi/BL. Again, if you are intending to fetishize rape, please place a disclaimer. Otherwise, rectify the situation to include consensual sexual acts or at least stronger negative reactions from Kant. Then Kant's apparent comfort with Jeremiah will make more sense or else his displeasure would be made more obvious.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Overall Score: 2/5

The beginning was a bit lax in terms of setting, but by no means unpleasant. I liked that you started with action and that the injury Jeremiah suffered was researched. The next chapter improved upon the weaker set up, which showcased a lot of personality and character development. The third chapter lacked strong female roles and was subject to cliches, which hampered the score considerably. The fourth chapter involved rape. The fifth chapter gave a bit more context to Violet's actions, but also did not prove to show any strong negative reactions to the previous chapter's rape on Kant's part. Overall, the writing is worth skimming, but highly unoriginal. The portions that I really dislike are the rape, the representations of women, and the general lack of consequence for anything. The hero continually gets beaten down by everything and everyone without repercussions.

My general suggestion for improvements would be to enhance the setting by giving more realistic context to some of the situations, looking into more adult relationships, and involving consensual and healthy forms of sex. I'd like to see you play to your strengths, which are the more domestic romantic scenarios between Jeremiah and Kant. I would also like to see more explanation about Kant's job, the headquarters he works at, and a better view of what his actual work entails. I'm interested in your characters as people. Thus far they have been hollow containers for "sexy" situations.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SEQUENTIAL MASTERY

This is the section where I talk about the panelling. I've chosen a page at random to review. I'm going to try to keep most of my tutorials within the pages towards the beginning of the comic, in order to avoid any possible spoilers.

Spoiler! :
Image

This is how the reading flow compares between the two pages:

Image


I also consider this a panelling choice. By trying to fit two panels into one image, Kant appears to have mutated. I understand what you were going for, but it still looks awkward. Beside it is my suggestion. Try to keep one action per character per panel.

Spoiler! :
Image


Overall Score: 3.5/5

Your panelling lacks cushioning and composition, but it's not overtly problematic. I can still read the comic, that is, but it doesn't flow as nicely as I would like it to. Your gutters are very thin. Believe it or not, gutters can help convey the passing of time. Thicker gutters work like cushions between panels to convey a slower response. Because your gutters are so thin, it gives the sense that everything is going by quickly and can therefore effect pacing. Pacing in this comic goes at lightning speed. The few times that it slows down are for some of the conversations when you are moving between groups of three or more characters. Then it's more about trying to position the panels to find out who is saying what. However, more than gutters, your pages are in desperate need of margins.

Margins are the breathing space and the frame of your composition. They help to decipher the action within the page and enjoy the flow from panel to panel. Now, that is not to say that panels cannot bleed off the page, but they should do so STRATEGICALLY. Bleed panels are usually reserved for really important scenes or to help the flow of the page. You can stretch time by having a large bleed panel that forces your reader to linger on the details - hugging, kissing, and emotive scenes work well for this in most shoujo works. I would suggest putting up a margin of at least a half of an inch, and then executing bleed panels when the characters are doing something dramatic.

What panelling really boils down to is composition. You must look at your comic page as an entire painting that can stand next to a single illustration and make sense. If you align the character of the panel above and below on the same line, the reader's eye will follow those shapes naturally as they would in any painting. It can mess up the flow of your page if each panel is too similar, lacks balance, or is awkwardly positioned in relationship to the other panels. When you do a basic sketch of where you want your panels to be, step back and look at it from a distance. If you think the shapes look like they're all lining up, alter the perspective of one panel or the position of one character. It's all about balance and leading your reader through the page. This may take time, practice, and a great deal with trial and error, but I think you have it in you to do well.

One thing I do like about your paneling, and the reason why you received an extra half a point, is because you stick close to the seven-panel rule. You do not clutter your pages with anything more than seven panels. I would caution you against using an even number of panels (you seem fond of the number six), so as to avoid making the page look TOO balanced with three panels on one side and three on the other. Other than that, keeping things simple and minimal is the best way to control errors in flow.

I suggest studying the panelling of the following manga:

Merry Checker: http://www.mangatraders.com/manga/series/6147
This one is particularly good with balanced pages. The emotive scenes are simplistic, but very driving. And, of course, it's a fantastic yaoi.

Gangsta: http://www.mangatraders.com/manga/series/7151
This is a seinen, but the panel bleeds and action in this is gorgeous. You're not going to find a slicker style, and since your latest works are leaning towards heavier linewidths, this might be something to take a peek at.

Acid Town: http://www.mangatraders.com/manga/series/5623
If you want to learn about panel overlap, this is the manga to read. Not only is it a dark and gritty yaoi that conveys rape in the correct sense (seriously, don't read this if you can't handle unpleasant concepts like rape and pedophilia), but it has some of the greatest panels I've ever seen. Kyuugou-sensei is adept at making heavy subjects out of light lines.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

ART

This is the section where I talk about the art, which is unimportant as compared to all the other portions of a comic. Let me make this perfectly clear: art is not as important as story, panelling, and the concept of a comic. Art can change. Art can improve. Art is the portion of the comic that comes when you can fit all the previous parts together. Style is relative to the preferences of the artist. What matters more than anything is how you frame your plot. Stick figures can be as dynamic as fully realized paintings if you know how to utilize them.

PEOPLE

The anatomy in this comic is not very good. You lack proportions in many of your panels, and I am not seeing much marked improvement. I think you need to take some time to sit down and really learn about the proportions of the human body. Much of your issues with drawing humans I'm guessing comes from a lack of structure. I'm not certain of your processes, but I would suggest working with wire frames underneath your finished sketches. This will greatly reduce inaccuracies and help you to learn where to go when drawing the "fleshy" bits. It also keeps your proportions in check, specifically the ones where heads are much too large for shoulders and torsos are much too long.

Spoiler! :
Image

Image

Image

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You can also lack some fundamental facial structures. Your profiles are your weakest, though you seem to have the basic concepts of expression down.

Image


Anatomy Tutorials:

http://www.gwc.maricopa.edu/class/bio20 ... mustut.htm - good for muscles and learning where everything sits on a skeleton

http://art-and-sterf.tumblr.com/ - a wealth of tutorials by various artists

http://www.amazon.com/Atlas-Anatomy-Art ... 0195030958 - this is a very good book to purchase. It's a reference that I use constantly in my work. It will give you a detailed guide to the human body and how to draw it in many angles.

http://pinterest.com/care2much2/anatomy ... r-drawing/ - and, of course, pintrest.

PLACES

Your struggle with perspective. While I do commend you for attempting to draw furniture and interiors, they appear inaccurate or skewed. While you're doing well attempting different positions of people, and I can see the beginnings of articulating that into the characters' surroundings as well, it's still not translating clearly enough. For instance:

Spoiler! :
Image

I can tell what you're trying to do. You're attempting to convey the sidewalk and the brick wall behind it, but the space doesn't line up correctly. With this vanishing point, the ground is rising up at much too steep a slope.

Image


I created this by making the vanishing point for the ally center upon the lamp post beyond. Now, both Kant and Jeremiah are still settled on the same plane, so it's still incorrect perspective (considering one is almost laying down and the other is standing) but at least the background fits better with what you originally intended. My best advice for you would be to study perspective from the ground up. If you take advantage of vanishing points, they can help you with a few simple lines to create stunning backgrounds. I also suggest taking a look at real life buildings and attempting to draw them as simple shapes. This will give you an idea of how to accurately outline space.

Perspective Tutorials:

http://www.scottmcdaniel.net/drawing/pe ... ctive.html - This is a pretty good one, though wordy. I would suggest paying more attention to the diagrams and only using the words as needed.

http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to- ... rspective/ - a pretty good one on instructables. I like the use of photographs to give you an idea of perspective in real life.

http://adammasterman.deviantart.com/art ... -300235956 - one that I've used before on deviantart. There are plenty more where this came from, if you search the site. It really depends on your preference.

SHADING AND CROSSHATCHING

You use way too much cross hatching and inconsistent shading methods. I suggest sticking to a single one, which will help to streamline your comic process and avoid altering textures from one chapter to the next. Within the five chapters I've read, I've seen use of digital enhancements, pen and ink work, marker, and tones. Pick one, stick with it, and master it. Since I know you enjoy traditional artwork far more than digital, my suggestion would be to focus on using different kinds of pencils until you can feel confident with using things like markers and ink wash. Pencils allow for a higher level of control while providing texture. Even a relatively inexpensive pack of ranged pencils can create amazing things (I suggest 6H to 2B). Markers and ink wash, on the other hand, are the faster medium and require a little more control to master. Of course, you could always continue with the route of cross hatching, which shows up a lot in your comics.

Specifically with your cross hatching, do not use it like a catch all surface descriptor. Cross hatching should be utilized to convey light or to convey patterns. It can also work with both, but you need to be careful how you utilize it. Cross hatching can be as simple as a few lines, but it's where you put them that matters. This requires practice, observation, and a keen sense of direction. Where ever the light does not touch is where you want to crosshatch. The less light, the darker the strokes can be. Similarly with patterns, the closer the object is with the pattern, the thicker the lines may be.

Spoiler! :
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Overall Score: N/A

I do not score art, because art is a constant work in progress. I have never believed that art plays too heavily into the enjoyment of a comic. However, that being said, art should always be improved. Bad art can certainly turn away readers and present a level of unprofessionalism that can ruin a comic. I would not condone you publishing the work you have created, because it lacks a lot of things to be considered on par with a finished product. That being said, I know you are aware of most of your shortcomings.

My suggestion to you would be to take a bit more time, to focus more keenly on the fundamentals of art, and through that structure produce a better product. Start by picking a single medium - traditional or digital or a mixture of the two. Then work on those skills and continually practice, practice, practice. Work from life, not from anime. Look at other comics as references for your craft. Work from frames and try to understand the anatomy of human beings, the shapes that make up buildings, and the perspective that can create space and distance. You'll get there, you just need to keep working at it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

FINAL SCORE: 2.5

This comic is fairly unoriginal and worth skimming, but it has potential in my eyes. Granted the comic lacks logic, any semblance of a coherent universe, any sort of repercussions for horrible acts done to the main character, and any sort of gender equality, but you asked for feedback and that's the first step to improvement. The panelling is fairly neat, though requires tweaking in order to flow properly and become dynamic. And requires margins. The art is in need of some fundamentals, but is not wholly without a sense of space, form, and expression. Overall, I got through the comic with only one chapter that I truly disliked, and oddly enough it was the one with the most nudity. I would like to see more domestic situations, more relationship building, more comedy, and less ridiculous plot twists. You're better off sticking to the writing you care about, and that is undoubtedly the romance. Why do you need super heroes if their powers and plots are not going to be explained or developed? Focus on what you love and the comics will get better.

Until then it remains another generic yaoi in a sea of generic yaois.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby mitchellbravo » March 26th, 2013, 10:03 am

Repsych, this is the most thorough review I think I have ever seen in my life. Very well thought out work!
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby repsychus » March 26th, 2013, 10:26 am

mitchellbravo wrote:Repsych, this is the most thorough review I think I have ever seen in my life. Very well thought out work!


Thank you. It took me over a month to read, re-read, and then dissect each chapter. I then needed to research for tutorials, make a few of my own, and find comparative examples to handle certain topics in the review. It took a long time, but I hope it's helpful to the authoress. I look forward to seeing where her comic goes from here.
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby jazselup101 » March 26th, 2013, 3:14 pm

First off, I want to thank so much for taking your time to do this. I really appreciate it. I read this review lat night when I'm suppose to be sleep by 12, but when I saw you were done with the review, I knew I had to read it. And when I was reading through it, there were times where I felt like I gotten stabbed with realization. It hurt to read some of the stuff you say, you weren't joking when you said that you were gonna be honest. That was real honestly right there.

About the profile:
Suggestions: You need to be more aware of your audience. While this profile may make perfect sense to you, some reader may skim past this simply because the language is confusing or the premise seems too shallow. Really delve deep into the characters themselves and offer previews and snippets that will make readers want to read more - and then stick around to keep reading!

My suggestion to you would be to start your profile off with a bang. If you're going the campy, comic route, try: "Bif! Bam! Pow! Super hero Kant and his evil arch nemesis Jeremiah turn the city into a war zone in this high octane ride of romance, spandex, and...good Samaritanship?" If you want to convey more of the drama, I would suggest something like: "You will know no greater love than your worst enemy. Super hero Kant found this out the hard way by inviting the dastardly super villain Jeremiah into his home."


I haven't really thought about it like that. I thought that wouldn't really matter to who's reading it at the time. I guess I can change the summary of the comic a bit, so it would look typical, like you said. I'll try something else if I can think of something.

Writing/Dialogue: This was the part where I gotten stabbed by realization knives, it hurt. But I knew reading on would help me, so I kept reading. I glad that you thought that me starting off with a fight was good, I didn't know BL comics don't do much of that.

However, while we are thrown into the mix of Kant and Jeremiah fighting with awesome powers, we are not given any context for why they are fighting, where they are fighting, or even if anyone else around them gives a hoot n' holler what they're doing.


While I was re-reading my comic one day, I was thinking that I should of added some reason why they're fighting. Like I should of added some narration boxes here and there because I can see some reading saying: "What's happening?" You see, when I first drew this, I did it without a script. I did it from my head, I kinda don't like writing scripts at the beginning of comics. I like to go from my head, and when I get enough pages, I starting writing a script. Hope that makes sense....^^; I don't really like to plan comics since I tend to get bored right away. I should plan my comics though, but I don't want to get bored of my idea right away.

One minute they are grumbling at each other as super villains and super heroes rightfully should, and the next we have this confusing inner monologue about how someone cares about someone else's furniture. If you want to drive tension, I would suggest SHOWING instead of TELLING. While having inner dialogue can be an easy way of giving further insight into a character, the way that you place them on the page is cluttered at best. You cannot tell when it's Kant or Jeremiah thinking, though that is irrelevant because the only time you really use inner monologues is when you're trying to force romantic tension - so, really, the names could be interchangeable and it'd still be poor writing.


Ah hahaha....don't remind me of that, I didn't know what I was doing at the time when they were thinking about furniture. I guess I wanted some comedy up in there. Showing instead of telling was a pretty good suggestion. It does bring more tension that way when I think about it, I just wanted to tell how Jeremiah felt at the time. I guess I should of shown that through his emotions. Sorry that it looked cluttered, I bet that was hard for you to read a bit. And I see the inner monologues during forced romantic tension when I read yaoi sometimes, it tells how they really feel about the other person. Kant and Jeremiah weren't really in a forced romantic tension at the time....

And while I believe it's a good thing that you did your research and saw to the length of recovery time for Jeremiah's arm being about accurate, I find it highly implausible that such a feared super villain would not be hauled off to jail at Kant's earliest convenience. The sense of guilt he suddenly feels is a tad forced, even considering their prior history. If there has been such a rivalry between them in their professional and personal lives, then why is it that Kant is giving into Jeremiah's pain? Prisons have very good doctors and certainly more provisions for medical care than Kant could offer. Oh, and let's not forget that he is actually interested in capturing Jeremiah because he's a wanted super criminal - not just some thug he battered in a street fight.


When I thought about this, they were many things I could of changed. I believe prisons have good doctors and stuff. But, in Kant and Jeremiah's world, it can't work like that. I should of put: Jeremiah can't go to a normal prison because he's a super powered villain and evil supernaturals like Jeremiah and normal humans can't be in the same place. In order for them to be in same place, Jeremiah's powers have to be taken away. He's a powerful villain, if he still had his powers, then he can really hurt someone. There is a Supernatural prison where only evil supernaturals can go to, his powers can be taken away there or he can go in a room where you go in and you automatically lose your powers unless you have a special suit. Now, I'm talking off subject, My bad, I was thinking alot about that.... this could of been a much better story if Kant did this instead of bringing him to his house right away.

Had it been me, I would have had Jeremiah go to prison. However, due to his powers, I would have had him put in a place that was secure enough to hold him - a place that would require Kant's surveillance until a proper containment field could be constructed. This would have offered later drama when that cell was finished and Kant by that time may have developed feelings for Jeremiah. Their parting would have driven conflict and drama, but still maintained that level of realism. In the meantime, Kant's proximity as guard to a villain equal to his powers could have given you the avenue for that relationship to blossom. At this point, the entire chapter comes off as quick and forced. I get what you're trying to do, but it makes for transparent motives on your part and questionable ones on the part of your characters.


This does seem more realistic than my idea, and I like some realism or something like that when I read yaoi. If Kant brought J to the prison, this idea might happen. Expect Jeremiah would of gone a bit crazy staying in a cell with no powers for a long time. He never got caught as his time as a villain and he would try to escape. The doctors over there could of give him a shot to calm him down some, which Kant wouldn't like at all. And Jeremiah would just give up hope and starve himself. He would of felt sorry for that and probably bring Jeremiah home with him so he can have better care. That what I was thinking last night, it would of been a better story like that, or maybe not because it might be too harsh. I don't know....

Even so, this chapter starts out as an improvement from the last, because it's playing clearly to your strengths. You are very much interested in the social aspects of a story. You play to light comedy better than you do to some of the setting aspects or the structure of your universe. If we were to remove any concept about super powers, super villains/heroes, or complex supernatural themes, this would be a very pleasant story about two guys that don't get along who happen to be rooming together for a period of time. One thing would lead to another. There would be some drama and tension, which would eventually lead to sex, a questioning of orientations, and eventually romantic compromise. A really sweet, simple comic.

I will note that pull ups should not be "impossible" for a super hero. I found that dialogue to be very juvenile, even for Jeremiah who sometimes has the attitude of a prissy thirteen-year-old. It makes him amusing overall, but it just kind of struck me as odd that he, the one with super powers, would find pull ups difficult.


I glad that this gets a good score. I'll try to make more chapters like this one when Kant and Jeremiah are together. And it's kinda like that, roomies that hate each other and they have to stay in one place for a long time. The way my comic is gonna go, they're not using their powers that much. Only to the end where the most powers used will be shown, if I ever make it to the end. So, it basically them living together with super powers. And Jeremiah is pretty much like a kid at times, he complains and stuff. I think I did the part about the pullups that because I wanted to make Jeremiah jealous of Kant. I guess I should of left that all blank about finding pullups difficult and just let Jeremiah stare at him more.

While the last chapter left me very hopeful of improving writing, this one just about made me quit reading. It was the hardest to get over, mostly because I am a feminist and I truly dislike the way you represented women at this point in the story.


This burned me a bit. I'm sorry that you disliked this chapter because of the women, I wasn't thinking that someone would care about these women because they're just side characters that are not gonna come back anytime soon.

1. This chapter paints Kant as the center of the universe: all the women want him, all the men either want to be him or be with him as well. This is an unrealistic representation, even of a super hero character. Yes, he's powerful and strong. Yes, he's handsome and kind. Even so, those that are used to being around him should not need to reiterate this fact. His deeds should speak louder than anyone else's words. The fact he has taken in a villain that by all rights he should have left bleeding on the sidewalk showcases this enough. Why are you reiterating it with cardboard secondary characters whose purpose is interchangeable or meant for puppeting situational lines? Show, don't tell. Common mistake among comic writers in general.

2. If you were attempting to make Jeremiah jealous, it still makes no sense. His mood swings from pissed off at Kant to lonely to finding Kant romantically attractive just make him look inconsistent at best. The same level of jealousy could be achieved by the cat at this point. Why do you need for him to go on a date? If you're looking to be able to create some kind of romantic realization for Jeremiah, then that would be better off achieved by having Jeremiah care about Kant for more than as the provider of food and shelter. Their companionship at this point has only been outlined as an annoyance to them both. It's clear that Kant does not have romantic attachments to anyone. Not only is the marriage comment by one of his office lackeys a far stretch, but the thought that Jeremiah should be affected by something as simple as a date puts this relationship on the level of a middle school crush. I'm assuming that these two are adults. With their pasts potentially being as complex as you hint, shouldn't their overall reactions to each other be similarly complex or at least guarded? Shouldn't they be further along in their affections, or at least to the level of friendship?

3. Was your goal to make Kant look like a fragile, emotionally damaged man despite the fact that he himself didn't even want to go on a date? This is detrimental to Kant's character as a strong, self-assured individual whose goals in life are to protect the populace of the city. His character actually devolves in this chapter, because he spends one minute being the busy boss with a whole headquarters counting on his super powers to sobbing in a bar over a woman who he dated for all of one meal. If she was his girlfriend of several years, it would make absolute sense. One date does not. This paints Kant as an immature, mentally delicate, deeply insecure individual in all the wrong ways.


This part made my brain all scrabbled, so many questions that I don't really know the answers to. Yes, Kant is popular at his job. It's true that almost all women over there wants to date him. But, Kant is a busy man and he doesn't have the time for that.
Kant wanted to go on the date because he didn't want to deal with Jeremiah. What I should of did was maybe Jeremiah could tell Kant that you shouldn't go out with the woman because most women over there can't really be trusted. Jeremiah went out with more women than Kant, so he knows what he's talking about. That would of sounded like Jeremiah cared a bit for Kant.
Kant has never been on a date in his life, even in high school he been single. He doesn't know how it feels to get rejected by a female, that's why he felt sad at the bar. That's the only reason I can come up with about that. It hurt when you painted Kant as immature, Kant is my baby. I love him so much, but I guess he took it a much better way than he did. Violet is a slut, my fans call her a cow. I guess I should of let Violet bring Kant somewhere private and tries to get her way with him. Sigh.... so many things I could of did differently because of this review. She went to the waiter because she thinks "Oh, this guy is not like he's cracked up to be. So, I'm just gonna go to this hot waiter and get the kiss I wanted." Something like that. It doesn't make that much sense either when I think about it now...jeez. I wasn't thinking alot when I did this chapter, I guess I wanted to add some drama. I do support suggestion about Kant being in a long term relationship. Even in yaoi, some of the main characters go out with women and when they get dumped by them, they get drunk and sad. That makes way more sense than my idea. I guess I deserve that low score because I don't know why I did this and that. I was going whatever my head was telling me. I wanna beat up my brain now.

Chapter Four: Drunken Love

This chapter should be retitled "Drunken Rape."

You cannot consent to sex if you are intoxicated.

That is non-negotiable. If you are attempting to make Jeremiah look like an emotionally sadistic rapist, you've done a good job. This "sex scene" is actually sexual assault, which is deeply scarring both mentally and physically. Never mind that the mechanics of what you've shown here would involve anal tearing/trauma, rectal bleeding, and excruciating pain - yes, you forgot the lube, Jeremiah. Going in dry isn't pleasurable in any sense. No, beyond even that, you've gone ahead and expressed in your comments that this is meant to be a positive experience. Your comments speak for themselves:

"Why does Kant feel weird? Could it be the drinks or....something else? *wink* " (PG 129)

"Yeah ladies, Kant's a freaking virgin! How can someone like that be a virgin? Come on! JK! JK! Seems like Jeremiah's happy about it^^ *pats his head*" (PG 130)

"Be prepared, Kant darling! He's inside you now! Hit that G-spot, J!" (PG 131)

"But, he did call him love. So, that should count for something.....right? .....Yeah, I'm totally right^^ He's basically apologizing....in his cool kinda way, I guess^^; Sorry I had to make you cry, Kant darling! But, it's for the yaoi. *hugs him* " (PG 132)

I don't think you intend to hurt anyone. I don't think you intend to glorify anal rape.

Even so, I would like to educate you on the effects, because you never know who is going to read your comic who may have gone through a similarly traumatic experience. If you are attempting to fetishize rape, I suggest you make that disclaimer clear. There is nothing wrong with fetishes, but if you think for even a second that this is a healthy sexual relationship, you are incredibly misinformed. This is not romantic. This is not "squee-worthy." This is one person forcing another into sexual intercourse without consideration for their feelings, physical well being, or even their rights as a person.

Score: 0/5

Suggestions: If you wish to show Jeremiah as any semblance of a morally responsible human being, you will have him abstain and control his erection in the face of Kant's inability to consent. If you wish to fetishize rape and express it in terms of your own personal kinks, please place a disclaimer on the comic itself. It's not that you cannot write rape effectively into a story, but its glorification both within and outside of these pages is deeply disturbing. This is what is wrong with a lot of yaoi today. If you are attempting to minimize the affects of rape in order to address them as a primal urge among humans, I suggest backing up your psychology with some kind of deeper meaning beyond "lol sex."

In order to be able to write anal sex effectively, I would suggest doing some research. Perhaps speaking to those in the gay community would be beneficial. Certainly representing the sexuality fairly and in a healthy way will encourage readers to follow suit. Help promote caring and loving sex, as I believe you originally intended to express.


This part right here......stabbed me with realization! This whole part hit me in the face. If I knew about the "You cannot consent to sex if you are intoxicated.", I would of never did this. I really didn't know that at the time. I always thought if you're enjoying the sex, then it's not rape. That what I be seeing or hearing most of the time before I did this, even my fans said that if Kant's enjoying it, then it not rape. I feel so stupid now, I didn't mean to make it go like that. I would felt so bad if someone read this chapter and they went through this. I'm very sorry, I just thought Jeremiah doesn't care about all that. He's evil and he just wants the D. I don't mind rape in yaoi comics though, but I wish there was more love in it. I did knew that anal without lube is not pleasurable before this chapter, but I was thinking Kant don't have lube because he never been on second base with anybody and he never needs it. Jeremiah don't have any either, I wasn't thinking on how would this work without lube. Some of my fans said that Jeremiah could of used his spit. I seen that in BL comics sometimes, that could of worked for Jeremiah. Or could of took some of Kant's pre cum and fingered Kant. Then he could of did that.
One fan said something about Jeremiah and Shuno (from KaitoShuno), you probably heard of it. The fan said that even Shuno didn't do Kaito when he was drunk, he backed down. I thought Jeremiah and Shuno are totally different people. Jeremiah should of back down as well, like he could of brought Kant in his room and let him sleep. He could of thought, Kant looks so cute and vulnerable. I could just take in down right now. But the point in that if Kant gonna wake up not remembering anything? Then he could of just left Kant alone, thinking about his feelings. I think that would of been way more mature of him, then he would realize that he does care for Kant in a way. Again, I'm sorry about this rape. I do promote loving and caring sex because that's the best kind of love ever.

Jeremiah continues to be emotionally sadistic. Not only is he rubbing the fact he has taken Kant's anal virginity through an act of rape, which Kant points out correctly that he had "no right to do," but he taunts him with further threats of this kind of abuse. Kant, as has happened in so many yaoi and BL comics before, begins to question even his own sane thoughts regarding the assault. This is a repeated theme throughout the chapter and continues on into the later reactions between Jeremiah and Kant. I personally think that Kant's attitude towards the situation is rather lax. I would almost expect him to be less accomodating, especially since a coworker questions Jeremiah's whereabouts within this chapter. Rape is a very good reason to go to jail, but I digress.

The rest of the chapter is colored with a repeat visit from Violet, the woman that dumped Kant at the restaurant for the waiter. She is spreading lies and rumors about the workforce regarding Kant's behavior during their date. The situation is rectified when Kant first intends to fire her (I wonder where Human Resources and workplace bias laws falls into this universe...), but is stopped with an intervention by her elder brother. Violet has leveled up from evil bitch to hapless girlfrienemy. She seems to have become a regular part of the cast, but retains her unsavory characteristics and shallow, self-centered nature.

The final pages leave us with the culmination of Jeremiah's confession that the sole reason he sodomized Kant while he was drunk, continued to kiss him without his permission, and threatens future sexual assault is because Jeremiah "likes him." I'm praying that Kant punches him at the beginning of Chapter Six, but this is where I end my review.


I wanted to show Jeremiah's true evil nature in this part of the chapter. That's all I have to say about that. I wanted to listen to my fans, they Violet fired so much it wasn't even funny. I didn't want that because I was planning something for her much later in the comic, way later. So, we're not gonna see her alot until that time comes. And Kant does punch Jeremiah, but not for the kiss though. It had something to do with their past together.

The beginning was a bit lax in terms of setting, but by no means unpleasant. I liked that you started with action and that the injury Jeremiah suffered was researched. The next chapter improved upon the weaker set up, which showcased a lot of personality and character development. The third chapter lacked strong female roles and was subject to cliches, which hampered the score considerably. The fourth chapter involved rape. The fifth chapter gave a bit more context to Violet's actions, but also did not prove to show any strong negative reactions to the previous chapter's rape on Kant's part. Overall, the writing is worth skimming, but highly unoriginal. The portions that I really dislike are the rape, the representations of women, and the general lack of consequence for anything. The hero continually gets beaten down by everything and everyone without repercussions.

My general suggestion for improvements would be to enhance the setting by giving more realistic context to some of the situations, looking into more adult relationships, and involving consensual and healthy forms of sex. I'd like to see you play to your strengths, which are the more domestic romantic scenarios between Jeremiah and Kant. I would also like to see more explanation about Kant's job, the headquarters he works at, and a better view of what his actual work entails. I'm interested in your characters as people. Thus far they have been hollow containers for "sexy" situations.


I glad I got some good in there, and I agree with most of the other stuff because it looks like you know what you're talking about and I can understand the errors I did. I'm not really good at writing sometimes, I should asked my sister. She's pretty good at writing. Or I should of planned more. And I should make Kant a bit more like his role, Jeremiah too. And I'll try to tell more about Kant's job, it is very interesting.

Seqential Mastery:

Your gutters are very thin. Believe it or not, gutters can help convey the passing of time. Thicker gutters work like cushions between panels to convey a slower response. Because your gutters are so thin, it gives the sense that everything is going by quickly and can therefore effect pacing. Pacing in this comic goes at lightning speed. The few times that it slows down are for some of the conversations when you are moving between groups of three or more characters. Then it's more about trying to position the panels to find out who is saying what. However, more than gutters, your pages are in desperate need of margins.

Margins are the breathing space and the frame of your composition. They help to decipher the action within the page and enjoy the flow from panel to panel. Now, that is not to say that panels cannot bleed off the page, but they should do so STRATEGICALLY. Bleed panels are usually reserved for really important scenes or to help the flow of the page. You can stretch time by having a large bleed panel that forces your reader to linger on the details - hugging, kissing, and emotive scenes work well for this in most shoujo works. I would suggest putting up a margin of at least a half of an inch, and then executing bleed panels when the characters are doing something dramatic.


I didn't know about the gutters and the pacing, that was some very good information for me. I'll try and change my gutters from time to time. Same goes for the bleed panels. I use them sometimes, but not really in dramatic moments. So, I'll use those for those kinds of moments. And I'm very glad that you like how I use the seven panel rule. I can't really fit a lot of panels in the templet I'm using, which is I just trace over a comic book. That's it. And I admit that I'm pretty tired of using 6 panels myself. I did found some panel templets on deviantART, I just never opened them yet.
About the comics you suggested, I was very grateful for that. I read Merry Checker before, Suzuki Tsuta is one of my favorite mangakas. I love her style so much! And I'll read it again to study the paneling. I been wanting to read Gangsta since I follow someone on tumblr that loves it and I gotten an interest in it. So, I look really forward to reading that. I also look forward to Acid Town. I'll read these tonight and study the panels.

Art:

I don't really have alot to say about this part, but I thank you so much for doing the tutorials for me and giving me some others. I do have problems with anatomy, proportions, perspective and stuff like that and I'll practice for now on. I'll use references and stuff like that. I'm also very grateful that you didn't give art a score, art does take improvement as I go and I hope I can see that soon in this comic. Thank you a million times. ^////^


FINAL SCORE: 2.5

This comic is fairly unoriginal and worth skimming, but it has potential in my eyes. Granted the comic lacks logic, any semblance of a coherent universe, any sort of repercussions for horrible acts done to the main character, and any sort of gender equality, but you asked for feedback and that's the first step to improvement. The paneling is fairly neat, though requires tweaking in order to flow properly and become dynamic. And requires margins. The art is in need of some fundamentals, but is not wholly without a sense of space, form, and expression. Overall, I got through the comic with only one chapter that I truly disliked, and oddly enough it was the one with the most nudity. I would like to see more domestic situations, more relationship building, more comedy, and less ridiculous plot twists. You're better off sticking to the writing you care about, and that is undoubtedly the romance. Why do you need super heroes if their powers and plots are not going to be explained or developed? Focus on what you love and the comics will get better.

Until then it remains another generic yaoi in a sea of generic yaois.


I think I deserve that score since you pointed out all the flaws my comic had, I would of never knew that if you didn't do that. I kinda thought my comic was original since I don't see alot of yaoi where the characters have superpowers, unless I'm not looking hard enough. But, I'm happy that it has some potential. That word made me feel better about this review. I thought when I read this, I would just quit doing the comic. But, what I really wanna do now is stop what I'm doing now with it and start all over with all the advice you given me. I seen some of my favorite webcomics here do that, including yours. Some part of my mind is saying that I gotten too far with this, don't do it. All that hard work going to waste. But, I feel like I want to make this comic better than it is. I think my fans would understand. I should finish chapter 6, then stop or take a break because I haven't took a break since October of last year when I went to Boston with my family for a week. That's what I really want to do now, I can just think about my other comic I'm thinking about and do that instead. I'm planning alot for that one.

Well, that's all I have to say. Again, thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it alot. *hugs*
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby anime-honeybee » March 26th, 2013, 3:22 pm

repsychus wrote:
mitchellbravo wrote:Repsych, this is the most thorough review I think I have ever seen in my life. Very well thought out work!


Thank you. It took me over a month to read, re-read, and then dissect each chapter. I then needed to research for tutorials, make a few of my own, and find comparative examples to handle certain topics in the review. It took a long time, but I hope it's helpful to the authoress. I look forward to seeing where her comic goes from here.


I agree with mitchellbravo! And even if the authoress somehow doesn't get something out of this, I know it's given me some things to think about! Well done :) Thanks!
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby repsychus » March 27th, 2013, 2:22 am

jazselup101 wrote:For the profile...
I haven't really thought about it like that. I thought that wouldn't really matter to who's reading it at the time. I guess I can change the summary of the comic a bit, so it would look typical, like you said. I'll try something else if I can think of something.


The reason why the profile is so important is because it acts like the tagline to an entire comic. Have you ever picked up a manga, flipped over to the back, and read the premise thinking "that's an okay plot, but I don't think I'd spend money on it." That is what your profile is doing. Someone might think about it, but they weigh the options of investing their time to look beyond the wrapper you've given them. Make the wrapper reflect the insides while still being attractive, and then you have a good profile.

jazselup101 wrote:Writing/Dialogue: This was the part where I gotten stabbed by realization knives, it hurt. But I knew reading on would help me, so I kept reading. I glad that you thought that me starting off with a fight was good, I didn't know BL comics don't do much of that.

While I was re-reading my comic one day, I was thinking that I should of added some reason why they're fighting. Like I should of added some narration boxes here and there because I can see some reading saying: "What's happening?" You see, when I first drew this, I did it without a script. I did it from my head, I kinda don't like writing scripts at the beginning of comics. I like to go from my head, and when I get enough pages, I starting writing a script. Hope that makes sense....^^; I don't really like to plan comics since I tend to get bored right away. I should plan my comics though, but I don't want to get bored of my idea right away.


You do not need a concrete script in order to create a good comic. I never use scripts - in general, I can lose interest just as quickly as you can if I have something set out before me. However, I DO invest a lot of my time into sketching out the comic prior to nailing down any finished images. Having a coherent universe means stepping outside of yourself, outside of the idea of writing in general, and putting yourself in your reader's shoes. When I create a sketch for a page, I sit and ponder what some stranger off the street will infer from the dialogue, the perspective, the positioning, and the overall concept of the page. Does my meaning come across? Does this make sense logically and aesthetically? Where might someone get confused about what I am presenting?

Ask yourself the questions. If your answer is "I don't even know why the hell I put this on the page like this," then you need to go back to the drawing table and resketch the page. No need for scripts. Work on it page by page, but always be questioning WHY you are putting down the lines you are putting down.

jazselup101 wrote:I didn't know what I was doing at the time when they were thinking about furniture. I guess I wanted some comedy up in there. Showing instead of telling was a pretty good suggestion. It does bring more tension that way when I think about it, I just wanted to tell how Jeremiah felt at the time. I guess I should of shown that through his emotions. Sorry that it looked cluttered, I bet that was hard for you to read a bit. And I see the inner monologues during forced romantic tension when I read yaoi sometimes, it tells how they really feel about the other person. Kant and Jeremiah weren't really in a forced romantic tension at the time....


By forced romantic tension, I mean that they are not at a point yet when they should even be thinking about romance. Have you ever broken a bone? The last thing you care about is the hot guy feeling up your arm. You're in pain. Depending on how bad a break, you may be going into shock. Similarly, when you are in the home of your rival who has been attempting for ages to capture you and now has you vulnerable and confined, you don't care about romance. Hell, when you're putting into an apartment with someone that you genuinely don't see eye to eye with, you don't automatically wonder what you can do to get them naked.

Remember, question even yourself. WHY is Jeremiah thinking this way? WHY does Kant need to mention that Jeremiah is handsome? WHY should they be attracted to each other when everything else in their character indicates they are enemies? That's what I mean by forced romantic tension.

jazselup101 wrote:When I thought about this, they were many things I could of changed. I believe prisons have good doctors and stuff. But, in Kant and Jeremiah's world, it can't work like that. I should of put: Jeremiah can't go to a normal prison because he's a super powered villain and evil supernaturals like Jeremiah and normal humans can't be in the same place. In order for them to be in same place, Jeremiah's powers have to be taken away. He's a powerful villain, if he still had his powers, then he can really hurt someone. There is a Supernatural prison where only evil supernaturals can go to, his powers can be taken away there or he can go in a room where you go in and you automatically lose your powers unless you have a special suit. Now, I'm talking off subject, My bad, I was thinking alot about that.... this could of been a much better story if Kant did this instead of bringing him to his house right away.


See? You already have a great premise to work with. You don't need them in the same room to make this dramatic. Kant can be forced to guard or visit or interrogate Jeremiah. It makes more sense for Kant to imprison him than to just take him on home to meet the cat.

jazselup101 wrote:This does seem more realistic than my idea, and I like some realism or something like that when I read yaoi. If Kant brought J to the prison, this idea might happen. Expect Jeremiah would of gone a bit crazy staying in a cell with no powers for a long time. He never got caught as his time as a villain and he would try to escape. The doctors over there could of give him a shot to calm him down some, which Kant wouldn't like at all. And Jeremiah would just give up hope and starve himself. He would of felt sorry for that and probably bring Jeremiah home with him so he can have better care. That what I was thinking last night, it would of been a better story like that, or maybe not because it might be too harsh. I don't know....


Jeremiah starving himself sounds a little overdramatic. He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy that gives up or is quick to be sullen or hopeless. He'd make a much stronger villain if all he cared about was his own survival. Then making friends with Kant and getting all buddy buddy with his guards - screwing them for all we know - would make sense. He'd be constantly looking for weaknesses, being crafty, thinking about the next out.

Again, think of the realistic side of things. Why would Kant care about Jeremiah? Why would he not simply leave Jeremiah in the care of doctors and specialists who are trained in looking after obstinate prisoners? Surely, Jeremiah isn't the first to attempt to starve himself to death. Why would Kant take the position of counselor, physician, and jailer all in one stroke? Isn't he a busy man? Doesn't he have other things he needs to do?

Question yourself. If you cannot find the answers, if the answers create more questions, or if you feel the answers are flimsy at best, go back to the idea and change it. Think like your character. The only motives that matter in the story are theirs. If you make their motives too one dimensional, your story will not make sense.

jazselup101 wrote:I glad that this gets a good score. I'll try to make more chapters like this one when Kant and Jeremiah are together. And it's kinda like that, roomies that hate each other and they have to stay in one place for a long time. The way my comic is gonna go, they're not using their powers that much. Only to the end where the most powers used will be shown, if I ever make it to the end. So, it basically them living together with super powers. And Jeremiah is pretty much like a kid at times, he complains and stuff. I think I did the part about the pullups that because I wanted to make Jeremiah jealous of Kant. I guess I should of left that all blank about finding pullups difficult and just let Jeremiah stare at him more.


Jeremiah has shadowy arm things, yes? Which involve some level of super strength, yes? He has the ability to fight with energy/darkness/whatever the hell, yes? Why, then, would a pullup be fascinating to him? Question yourself.

jazselup101 wrote:
While the last chapter left me very hopeful of improving writing, this one just about made me quit reading. It was the hardest to get over, mostly because I am a feminist and I truly dislike the way you represented women at this point in the story.


This burned me a bit. I'm sorry that you disliked this chapter because of the women, I wasn't thinking that someone would care about these women because they're just side characters that are not gonna come back anytime soon.


Just because they are side characters does not mean they should be a gender stereotype. If your cast is predominantly male, that's fine. However, if what few characters you have happen to be female while the rest of the cast is predominantly male, and that female cast is represented in only one light that tends to skew towards poor gender representations overall. Secondary characters should have depth, too. It is what makes for an interesting world.

jazselup101 wrote:This part made my brain all scrabbled, so many questions that I don't really know the answers to. Yes, Kant is popular at his job. It's true that almost all women over there wants to date him. But, Kant is a busy man and he doesn't have the time for that.


Then what is he doing on a date?

jazselup101 wrote:Kant wanted to go on the date because he didn't want to deal with Jeremiah. What I should of did was maybe Jeremiah could tell Kant that you shouldn't go out with the woman because most women over there can't really be trusted. Jeremiah went out with more women than Kant, so he knows what he's talking about. That would of sounded like Jeremiah cared a bit for Kant.


Previous experience on one character's part does not necessarily translate to experience on another character's part. That is a sweeping generalization that, in any giving social interaction, would not be accepted by fact by a logical person. And how would Jeremiah know about "most women over there?" What is his prior experience with Violet? Unless his poor experience relates directly to Violet, the argument is null to begin with. Unless Kant is really that willing to change his opinion based on the previous encounter of his rival, target, and annoying house guest.

jazselup101 wrote:Kant has never been on a date in his life, even in high school he been single. He doesn't know how it feels to get rejected by a female, that's why he felt sad at the bar. That's the only reason I can come up with about that.


Show, do not tell. If you cannot infer these things directly from the comic, they may as well have not happened.

jazselup101 wrote:It hurt when you painted Kant as immature, Kant is my baby. I love him so much, but I guess he took it a much better way than he did.


Getting too attached to your characters does not allow you to effectively tell their story. Kant will not always be perfect, his representations will not always be coherent, and you cannot trust yourself to always paint him in a positive light to others. Now, my interpretation is that he is immature. Why do you think I thought that? I know that I am not much older than you, if your claim to be in your 20's is correct from some of your author's comments (yes, I read everything). Still, I may have had experiences with relationships that go beyond your scope. I know that any man who is going to cry over a woman that for all intents and purposes was a bitch to him during one date paints that man as overly sensitive and immature. Mature people get over shit like that, and usually walk away from it with the understanding that the other party is at fault. They do not get drunk in a bar, regardless of dating experience. Yes, it sucks, but it is not the devastating event that it is made to be.

jazselup101 wrote: Violet is a slut, my fans call her a cow. I guess I should of let Violet bring Kant somewhere private and tries to get her way with him.


Now why is Violet a slut? Is it because she is awakened to her sexuality? Is it because she is willing to sleep with many partners without a care for the perception of others? Is it because she will do anything to get her way? Because she dresses scantily? Because she has an attitude that is otherwise comparable to Jeremiah, who no doubt has had similar encounters with male counterparts for the sex? What makes Jeremiah or any other man who has slept with multiple women any less of a slut? Why should Violet be reviled?

This is called a double standard. It is a poor representation of women. Women can be sexually expressive without being seen as sinful. That perception comes from a belief that a woman who has lots of sex is somehow tainted, dirty, or socially unclean. This comes from the belief that you should be a virgin when you are married. This is based off a societal norm whose root cause is religion.

You are writing a yaoi - since when do you want to continue religious-based cultural norms that perpetuate a belief that sexuality, heterosexual female or homosexual male sexuality, is wrong?

Realistically what makes Violet a bad person is her tendency to lie, cheat, and manipulate others. She is a sociopath who only cares about her gains. It has nothing to do with what she does between her legs.

jazselup101 wrote:This part right here......stabbed me with realization! This whole part hit me in the face. If I knew about the "You cannot consent to sex if you are intoxicated.", I would of never did this. I really didn't know that at the time. I always thought if you're enjoying the sex, then it's not rape. That what I be seeing or hearing most of the time before I did this, even my fans said that if Kant's enjoying it, then it not rape. I feel so stupid now, I didn't mean to make it go like that. I would felt so bad if someone read this chapter and they went through this. I'm very sorry, I just thought Jeremiah doesn't care about all that. He's evil and he just wants the D. I don't mind rape in yaoi comics though, but I wish there was more love in it. I did knew that anal without lube is not pleasurable before this chapter, but I was thinking Kant don't have lube because he never been on second base with anybody and he never needs it. Jeremiah don't have any either, I wasn't thinking on how would this work without lube. Some of my fans said that Jeremiah could of used his spit. I seen that in BL comics sometimes, that could of worked for Jeremiah. Or could of took some of Kant's pre cum and fingered Kant. Then he could of did that.
One fan said something about Jeremiah and Shuno (from KaitoShuno), you probably heard of it. The fan said that even Shuno didn't do Kaito when he was drunk, he backed down. I thought Jeremiah and Shuno are totally different people. Jeremiah should of back down as well, like he could of brought Kant in his room and let him sleep. He could of thought, Kant looks so cute and vulnerable. I could just take in down right now. But the point in that if Kant gonna wake up not remembering anything? Then he could of just left Kant alone, thinking about his feelings. I think that would of been way more mature of him, then he would realize that he does care for Kant in a way. Again, I'm sorry about this rape. I do promote loving and caring sex because that's the best kind of love ever.


Please research actual anal sex. It involves a great deal of stretching, plenty of lubricant, and something called anal douching. Despite what you read in yaoi, the butt really is where poop comes out of. You need to clean that area extensively in order to avoid infections or issues with the rectum. Anal sex requires a change in diet to high-fiber foods that allow cleansing portion to be easier. It also involves working up to certain widths. Even small dicks are quite thick and can lead to painful stretching, and possible tearing of the anus.

If you want to maintain the desperate passion of the situation, consider different types of sex. Frotting, which is the rubbing of two penises together, can be done in a similar position to missionary and provides equal pleasure to both men without preparation or penetration. Oral sex is also less invasive, and can be done by both parties using the 69 position. There is also the use of toys like vibrators or fleshlights. All these things you need to research in order to get a better overview of what gay sexuality is like. In general, this involves reading a lot of actual gay porn, speaking with gay men who are willing to talk about their experiences, and reading books on the subject. Research is key. Knowing what is realistic and what isn't eventually leads to better representations of gay sex and gay love.

As for the rape, there are a lot of people who believe as you do that drunken rape or even dub-con rape is akin to consensual sex. However, the body is a strange thing and it can often betray our wants and feelings. Women have been known to orgasm during sexual assaults. That does not mean they wanted to be assaulted. Men, likewise, can be raped by women when their body's natural response betrays them. Men can also be raped by men when the prostate is stimulated and they get an erection during anal penetration. Arousal does not equal consent. Consent is only given when one is coherent and uninhibited. Alcohol is a great inhibitor. Therefore, when you are drunk you cannot consent. When you are high, you cannot consent. When you are sleeping, brain damaged, mentally ill, or impaired in any fashion, you cannot consent. I'm certain you will fix this with a later revision.

jazselup101 wrote:I wanted to show Jeremiah's true evil nature in this part of the chapter. That's all I have to say about that. I wanted to listen to my fans, they Violet fired so much it wasn't even funny. I didn't want that because I was planning something for her much later in the comic, way later. So, we're not gonna see her alot until that time comes. And Kant does punch Jeremiah, but not for the kiss though. It had something to do with their past together.


Don't let your fans dictate what you do with your characters. And, yes, give Violet a regular standing position in the comic, but please give her some depth.

jazselup101 wrote:I glad I got some good in there, and I agree with most of the other stuff because it looks like you know what you're talking about and I can understand the errors I did. I'm not really good at writing sometimes, I should asked my sister. She's pretty good at writing. Or I should of planned more. And I should make Kant a bit more like his role, Jeremiah too. And I'll try to tell more about Kant's job, it is very interesting.


I think an ounce of prevention will be worth more than a pound of cure in this case. Planning even a little bit regarding your plot, the flow of your chapters, and the motives of your characters will inject more logic into your universe. It's not that you need to script everything. Again, just having a goal for the end of the chapter, such as "Kant kisses Jeremiah," will allow you to work towards it. But always question yourself, your characters, your plot, your setting, and your pages. What is my reader seeing? What am I trying to convey? Where is this going? Just stopping to ask will help you determine if you're making sense.

jazselup101 wrote:I didn't know about the gutters and the pacing, that was some very good information for me. I'll try and change my gutters from time to time. Same goes for the bleed panels. I use them sometimes, but not really in dramatic moments. So, I'll use those for those kinds of moments. And I'm very glad that you like how I use the seven panel rule. I can't really fit a lot of panels in the templet I'm using, which is I just trace over a comic book. That's it. And I admit that I'm pretty tired of using 6 panels myself. I did found some panel templets on deviantART, I just never opened them yet.


I suggest shying away from templates. They're kind of like training wheels in that they can become an actual hindrance for you learning how to really ride. I would suggest LOOKING at comic pages instead of tracing or copying the pacing. Each comic page is created with a certain dynamic in mind for the action, the dialogue, and the ultimate goal for that particular page. Do not just pull from other artists - look at WHY they made their choices. Then either utilize similar aspects, but never copy their page form for form. It will lead to a juxtaposition between what you are conveying and what they are conveying with their panels.

If you need further help with this, I'll be happy to create a tutorial about basic panelling.

jazselup101 wrote:I don't really have alot to say about this part, but I thank you so much for doing the tutorials for me and giving me some others. I do have problems with anatomy, proportions, perspective and stuff like that and I'll practice for now on. I'll use references and stuff like that. I'm also very grateful that you didn't give art a score, art does take improvement as I go and I hope I can see that soon in this comic. Thank you a million times. ^////^


You are welcome. Just work on the fundamentals and you will get better from there. Don't think that just because I didn't score you that you can rest on your laurels - art is a constant evolving aspect of your comics. Never let it sit stagnant for too long.


jazselup101 wrote:I think I deserve that score since you pointed out all the flaws my comic had, I would of never knew that if you didn't do that. I kinda thought my comic was original since I don't see alot of yaoi where the characters have superpowers, unless I'm not looking hard enough. But, I'm happy that it has some potential. That word made me feel better about this review. I thought when I read this, I would just quit doing the comic. But, what I really wanna do now is stop what I'm doing now with it and start all over with all the advice you given me. I seen some of my favorite webcomics here do that, including yours. Some part of my mind is saying that I gotten too far with this, don't do it. All that hard work going to waste. But, I feel like I want to make this comic better than it is. I think my fans would understand. I should finish chapter 6, then stop or take a break because I haven't took a break since October of last year when I went to Boston with my family for a week. That's what I really want to do now, I can just think about my other comic I'm thinking about and do that instead. I'm planning alot for that one.

Well, that's all I have to say. Again, thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it alot. *hugs*


Please do not take this review as your cue to stop working on this project. If you truly love the characters as you say you do, then they are worth working on. All the work you have done to this point is practice to get you to the final product. It is a stepping stone and well worth the effort. I am always looking back on my previous works and feeling as though they could have been better, but I know that they were necessary. You crawl before you walk - don't think you can just start running.

If you at any point need help with either plot questions, art questions, or panelling questions, I am only a PM away. I encourage you to keep working on your craft. Even though you say you are not serious, that does not mean you should give up. Things can only get better from this point.

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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby repsychus » March 27th, 2013, 10:55 am

anime-honeybee wrote:I agree with mitchellbravo! And even if the authoress somehow doesn't get something out of this, I know it's given me some things to think about! Well done :) Thanks!


You are welcome. If you are requiring a review or advice, feel free to ask. I'm always willing to help!
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby LibertyCabbage » March 27th, 2013, 1:52 pm

My review-o-meter's pegging this at north of 6,100 words, which has to be some kind of world record. Really nicely done. I don't think a cartoonist could possibly expect more from a review.
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby mitchellbravo » March 27th, 2013, 6:52 pm

LibertyCabbage wrote:My review-o-meter's pegging this at north of 6,100 words, which has to be some kind of world record. Really nicely done. I don't think a cartoonist could possibly expect more from a review.

Well, repsych could have taken them out to dinner to discuss the review afterward. But I understand the geographical inconvenience of such a proposition.
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby repsychus » March 28th, 2013, 12:00 am

mitchellbravo wrote:
LibertyCabbage wrote:My review-o-meter's pegging this at north of 6,100 words, which has to be some kind of world record. Really nicely done. I don't think a cartoonist could possibly expect more from a review.

Well, repsych could have taken them out to dinner to discuss the review afterward. But I understand the geographical inconvenience of such a proposition.


PFFT. That would require money. No, I'd just invite her to my card board box and roast a couple of rats, discuss the finer points of dumpster diving, and possibly demonstrate before getting down to brass tacks. I make a mean banana peel and used chinese food carton sandwich.
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby eishiya » March 28th, 2013, 10:39 am

repsychus wrote:
mitchellbravo wrote:
LibertyCabbage wrote:My review-o-meter's pegging this at north of 6,100 words, which has to be some kind of world record. Really nicely done. I don't think a cartoonist could possibly expect more from a review.

Well, repsych could have taken them out to dinner to discuss the review afterward. But I understand the geographical inconvenience of such a proposition.


PFFT. That would require money. No, I'd just invite her to my card board box and roast a couple of rats, discuss the finer points of dumpster diving, and possibly demonstrate before getting down to brass tacks. I make a mean banana peel and used chinese food carton sandwich.

You. Me. Start charging for reviews/crit. It'll be great.

This is also the only review I've ever read where I have nothing I feel I should add.
I'm surprised you don't score art though! Art and writing go hand in hand in a comic, both can make or break a comic by making it clear or impossible to follow, or by suggesting things that should or should not be there. Writing is a constant work in progress much like art, yet you score that.
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby repsychus » March 28th, 2013, 11:14 am

eishiya wrote:You. Me. Start charging for reviews/crit. It'll be great.

This is also the only review I've ever read where I have nothing I feel I should add.
I'm surprised you don't score art though! Art and writing go hand in hand in a comic, both can make or break a comic by making it clear or impossible to follow, or by suggesting things that should or should not be there. Writing is a constant work in progress much like art, yet you score that.


Yes, but art can be subjective. I've gone through the four years of college to know that another man's trash can literally be another man's masterpiece. I'm not suggesting that art should not be categorized, scrutinized, or reworked, but story - at least in my mind! - is something so much more important than the visuals. I've said in my above review that bad art can make or break a comic, and I do mean that. However, I do not believe grading or scoring art will be helpful to a comic author. That's something that they know they will always have to work on. It's the story that they may not be aware has logical mistakes.

In summary, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I do not trust my own preferences so well as to keep themselves out of the scoring process for artistic endeavors. You are welcome to set your score, if you wish, but I'm more concerned about the premise, profile, plot and panelling in this comic.

As for being charged, you know that no one is going to pay money for good advice. Why bother? :P
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby eishiya » March 28th, 2013, 11:25 am

repsychus wrote:Yes, but art can be subjective. I've gone through the four years of college to know that another man's trash can literally be another man's masterpiece. I'm not suggesting that art should not be categorized, scrutinized, or reworked, but story - at least in my mind! - is something so much more important than the visuals. I've said in my above review that bad art can make or break a comic, and I do mean that. However, I do not believe grading or scoring art will be helpful to a comic author. That's something that they know they will always have to work on. It's the story that they may not be aware has logical mistakes.

In summary, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I do not trust my own preferences so well as to keep themselves out of the scoring process for artistic endeavors. You are welcome to set your score, if you wish, but I'm more concerned about the premise, profile, plot and panelling in this comic.

As for being charged, you know that no one is going to pay money for good advice. Why bother? :P

The scores, if anything, are for the readers, not the author. Scores on writing, etc aren't useful either, except as a quick summary of what a reader can expect.

And actually, people do get paid for giving advice! Editors and consultants do just that (not always "good" advice, but not all the advice given on this forum is good either). Part of a job I used to have was telling people why their code sucks and how to make it better, which is a lot like giving crit on art. I doubt that offering art crit for cash is a good source of income, but I can dream.
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby repsychus » March 28th, 2013, 11:37 am

eishiya wrote:The scores, if anything, are for the readers, not the author. Scores on writing, etc aren't useful either, except as a quick summary of what a reader can expect.

And actually, people do get paid for giving advice! Editors and consultants do just that (not always "good" advice, but not all the advice given on this forum is good either). Part of a job I used to have was telling people why their code sucks and how to make it better, which is a lot like giving crit on art. I doubt that offering art crit for cash is a good source of income, but I can dream.


I do not want to think for a reader of this comic in regards to art. I have placed several examples of the author's skills in the tutorials. I have corrected those examples with better anatomy, perspective, and offered suggestions of proper shading. If a reader cannot infer from the spoilers presented what their own opinions of the art should be, then I'd rather not put the weight of their decision in my hands. Art is subjective. Yes, the art in this comic has flaws, which I have pointed out, but I'm not going to put my own beliefs about what art SHOULD look like onto the reader.

And, yes, I could get paid for this, but who here on SJ would do so? We're all starving artists and art critics!
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Re: "Special" Care [SPOILER WARNING]

Postby repsychus » December 9th, 2013, 12:50 am

So, the authoress asked me to review the final chapter of her comic after going through the initial review. I agreed to do so, as I have a vested interest in seeing this comic redone. I realize that these are just my opinions, and not all of them will be taken. I don't expect even half of them to be incorporated into the comic, but I am here as a reference of advice and opinion for anyone willing to listen. The authoress seems willing to listen, for which I thank her very, very much. If anyone else is looking for a yaoi/bl comic review, they have only to PM me. I'll be more than happy to read their work and offer them a thorough critic - complete with pictures! :)

Spoiler! :
~ ~ CHAPTER SIX: TORN UP ~ ~

This is continuing on the vein of being unbelievable in terms of character reactions, conflict, and dialogue especially. And I'm highly disappointed that Kant hasn't punched Jeremiah by the first opening page of this chapter.

The conversation does not flow. The questions that Kant is asking do not strike me as realistic dialogue. "When did you start to like me?" Why would Kant care about that? He goes from being dismissive of Jeremiah's supposed "confession" to wondering when it started. He even makes a point of noting that "that was only the first week I let you in" when Jeremiah admits he's liked Kant since they started rooming together. Jeremiah counters the disbelief that Kant rightfully feels with "do you believe in love at first sight?"

Image

When Kant holds a similarly skeptical attitude towards the whole thing, Jeremiah replies with something crass involving this scene:

Image
(http://specialcare.smackjeeves.com/comics/1477604/good-looking/)

So now Jeremiah has confirmed he's both a stalker and a rapist. Kant's reaction, as per predictable yaoi etiquette, is to blush and he gets all embarrassed.

Image

Then we get this page:

Image
(http://specialcare.smackjeeves.com/comics/1664858/since-you-know-now/)

I'm seriously sitting here rubbing my temples, trying to comprehend how being bisexual will somehow make you a laughable villain. If anything, this is going to convince Christians that you are sent straight from hell, but I digress. I find commentary like this detrimental to the overall concept you are trying to express - that gay/non-heterosexual love is a positive thing and even romantic. While I know being realistic about a universe and the perceptions of the society therein are really important to a story, you are doing a work on super powered human beings in a completely fictional setting that you've just about ignored to this point. WHY is that necessary? Why can't we treat being bisexual, gay, or anything in-between like it's normal? While I can get Jeremiah wanting to keep his sexual preferences private because his sex life is no one else's business, this is out of character for the openly sexual, defiantly unrepentant, rebelliously "evil" Jeremiah to say.

That is all I'm going to say on that point.

Back to the story: when Kant's continued refusal of Jeremiah's advances leads to Kant assuring Jeremiah that he no longer has any feelings for him, Jeremiah produces a picture of the two of them as children and questions why Kant still has the image. Jeremiah surmises that if Kant REAAALLY disliked him, he wouldn't have kept the picture. Nevermind the fact that people can change as they get older, Jeremiah insists that this is proof that Kant has a "soft spot" for him. This prompts Kant to insist that Jeremiah used to matter to him, but only when they were children. The superhero emphasizes the fact they are enemies. This angers Jeremiah.

So, to prove he is a stalker, a rapist, and now a prick, Jeremiah rips the picture in half.

Image

FINALLY!

Kant cries and tells Jeremiah that he is finished with their relationship. I have never been so proud of a character, though I believe he should have done this about five pages ago. Kant then leaves, crying, to let Jeremiah wallow in his guilt. He seems to have a minor mental breakdown and a flashback to their childhood when the picture originated. It's a nice lead in to the flashback, I will say, and the subject is simple and sweet. I'd appreciate more context like this in future, because it makes me actually see why we should care about their past together. Furthermore, it lends credibility to Jeremiah's guilt-ridden angst that follows after.

This is probably the first time we actually see Jeremiah convey some legitimate remorse, though it's not for his most glaring crimes. I appreciate the attempt at fleshing out his character, and in general the attempt at making him act like a decent person, but I can't feel sorry for him or excuse his behavior. He also seems to value himself only in respect to whether or not Kant likes him, which can either denote a dependent personality or a severe lack of self esteem. While it makes sense that his flamboyant and despicable nature hides an easily broken ego, his lack of common sense makes me wonder how he's succeeded as a villain at all.

So skip along when Kant comes back from his job at the Supernatural HQ doing supernaturally things that protect the city, and Kant is out and out ignoring Jeremiah. Literally, this is the middle school silent treatment going on. Jeremiah gets angry and demands a chance to apologize. Kant will hear none of it, so Jeremiah shoves something into Kant's hand and storms off. It's the photo that was ripped, causing Kant to punch Jeremiah in the nose. I guess this causes Kant to feel bad for being so harsh - honestly, I don't know why - and he goes to seek out Jeremiah. Kant is then made to feel guilt for his "silent treatment" and apologizes for his rightful expression of anger. While I agree it's childish that Kant chose not to talk about the problem as a means of retaliation, he has no reason to apologize to Jeremiah for his equally childish reactions. This is all amounting to Kant reverting to the same, submissive doormat he's always been. The rage was apparently short-lived.

And then there's this:

Image
(http://specialcare.smackjeeves.com/comics/1724503/i-found-a-real-reason/)

"You raped me while I was intoxicated." "Right, my bad." You're damn right other people would have never forgiven you!!! This is a pretty piss-poor reaction to an otherwise traumatic and invasive act. Perhaps you are meaning to paint Kant like a gullible dupe with short-term memory issues, a weakness for shallow women (Violet), and the maturity of a twelve-year-old in all of his personal relationships, but I digress. With the way you have set the two of them up, I don't think Jeremiah will ever take full blame for the rape he put Kant through. With the way you have set the two of them up, I have a hard time believing that a ripped picture can hold more significance than Jeremiah sodomizing Kant without his consent. This is why this story needs an overhaul - I cannot imagine any romance starting from this, gay, straight, or otherwise.

In the end, the two agree to restart as friends. I consider this very generous from Kant's point of view, but perhaps whatever past friendship they shared is enough to overcome anal rape, criminal acts, and the flagrant destruction of personal property. We finish off with this colored page, where we see Jeremiah yet again blaming Kant for something out of his control.

Image
(http://specialcare.smackjeeves.com/comics/1730692/im-blaming-you-for-this)

Score: 1/5

Suggestions: I am giving this chapter a 1 because Kant actually punched Jeremiah. It was the singularly most spectacular part of this comic, and it made me actually clap my hands and bounce in my seat. Jeremiah is a very poorly staged character, but the same could be said for Kant. This conversation that they have and the on-again, off-again interaction we see in this chapter cements that for me. Kant should not take any bullshit from Jeremiah. Unless Jeremiah was a miracle worker in their past together, healed the sick and made the blind see, I really see no reason he should excuse his kind of behavior. Furthermore, I dislike greatly how Kant always seems ready to take the blame whereas Jeremiah is always deflecting some - if not all! - of the blame away from himself. About all he's sincerely apologized for is ripping a photograph.

Please, redo your comic so they never get to this point. Having read through everything that you have, I am more convinced that I am starting to dislike these characters the further this vein of story goes. Perhaps if something as glaring as anal rape and misogyny and generally horrible personalities were not a mainstay up until this point, I could have spent more time actually getting into the flow of events. Right now it's just an episodic journey through yaoi cliches and the decomposing corpse of a relationship.

~ ~ ~ ~


So that is the final chapter review. I hope you can forgive me for it being so late, Jaz. Things have been kind of crazy on my end. If you want any specifics with an art tutorial or perhaps some more suggestions for references, just send me a quick PM or comment on this thread. I really appreciate you giving me a chance to review your work. I hope you can read through my opinions and pick some things you like. As always, looking forward to seeing more work from you.

~ Psy
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