MadameEvelyn wrote:I haven't posted this page yet, so I'm leaving a link here for the person kindly enough to help me figure out this page! I would really appreciate a good and long critique on this page, especially in the fields of perspective and anatomy. I know something's horribly off with this picture, but I don't know exactly where to start to fix it. Any and all advice would be very helpful.
I like the top panel. However, the bubble covering the faces feels wrong to me. I think I realize what you're trying to do, and I think you should distort or darken (or lighten with more reflective highlights) the faces in the lens more, so that they don't draw so much attention to themselves.
From now on, just panel 2 stuff:
Are they inside or outside?
If inside: The room they're in has no sense of being a room. Even though the stage is probably set up so that it looks like they're outside on camera, in this shot, you should break the illusion. Show some shadow where the background curves from the wall to the floor, show some visible spotlight edges, etc.
If outside: The horizon line is too low. Going by the relative positions of the characters and the perspectives on the characters, the viewer/"camera" is positioned above eye level, so the horizon should be above the characters' eye level.
The camera seems seems to be a straight-on view, while everything else is in perspective. Looks off.
The raised platform's bottom is below the horizon while the upper part is above (or right on it, maybe), but both have the same perspective going on.
My recommendation for both of these: Actually draw our your horizon line (it probably won't match the "fake" horizon drawn on the studio scenery), and put down a vanishing point, and redraw the camera rails and platform based on that.
In short, the issue with your perspective seems to be that you simply didn't actually plan it out. You have different horizons and vanishing points for every major element of the image (the scenery, the camera structure, the platform, the dudes in the background, Laura, and the director). As a result, they all appear to stand on different planes, rather than on the same flat floor.
Remember, characters follow perspective too, they're shouldn't be somehow isolated from the perspective of their environment. By having Laura's front feet lower in the image than her hind feet, you're hinting at perspective, which is great, but what about everyone else?
Lettering: When showing back-and-forth dialogue (How did I do? / Quite well [...] / Thanks! / [...]), the bubbles need to be in clear succession. Right now, the dialogue order reads to me as How did I do? / Thanks! / Quite well [...], which is clearly wrong. I would place the "How did I do?" bubble lower, roughly where the camera in the background is now, move the "Quite well" bubble more to the left, and put "Thanks!" under it. The other bubbles would also need to be repositioned to keep a comfortable reading "arc" in the bubbles.
I think the text is too small, some letters get smooshed together.
Why is the camera pointed at her and the director? If she was in that position while shooting, then the director would have been in the shot. If she walked to where she is now after they cut, then why is the camera pointing where it is? I think you should just have the camera point off-screen to avoid this confusion.
The "tree" thing is too obvious. I think it would be best if you took the writing off, and instead added the support structure that holds it up. Readers will instantly read it as "scenery prop" and won't need to worry about the fact that it's a tree (and those that do will be able to guess from the shape). If you do want writing on there, then at least make it follow the perspective of the object.
I don't think the rigid, perfect lines on the camera rail and raised flatform mesh with the lines on your characters. Using those lines as a guide, maybe redraw/trace it by hand? Or, at least, make the lines thinner so that their straightness isn't so apparent. Besides, objects in the background should have thinner lines anyway xP Thinner lines help push them back.
If the grass isn't drawn on the floor but actually sticks up, it should overlap the bottom edges of whatever stands in it, like her hooves, the platforms/railing, etc. Because there aren't any blades of grass sticking up/overlapping objects, the grass looks like a flat carpet with a pattern on it.
The director's chair doesn't look like it curves to fit around his back (even rigidly-built chairs are usually built with curved backs, and fabric chairs curve on their own). The curviature that is there makes it look like he's sitting crooked on it.
I did a red/blueline:
Nitpicks in red, a possible alternative bubble set-up in green, one perspective suggestion in blue. These are sketchy and lazy and not exactly spot on, but I hope they'll help illustrate my critique a little better.
An important thing to note on the perspective: I arbitrarily chose the horizon based on Laura and where I think an average person standing would see the horizon. I assume she's a little taller than most people (I could be way off), so I put the horizon line a little lower than her eye level.
The dudes in the background got shrunk so that their eye level matches to the horizon line (keeping their feet at the same level you drew them places them pretty far into the distance, I don't know if that's what you want. The camera guy is sitting on a pretty high seat, so his eyes are above the horizon.
I also sketched in some of the more important lines on that platform based on this new horizon line (and forgot to sketch the guy on the platform, but I hope you can figure things out from here).
Also, I made the background dudes smaller, but the nitpicks were drawn first, so the camera is still huge. Sorry about that xP
Again, the perspective I sketched is just one way to do it
, you should decide for yourself what sort of perspective you want. You can place the horizon line higher or lower, you can put the different characters closer or farther away by changing their size, etc. You can even move the position of the vanishing point depending on how you want objects positioned or where you want to guide the eye.
One last note: Background dudes! I sketched them in more balanced poses.
The boom operator in particular looked off-balance because his head was too far out. In a balanced pose where both feet are supporting the person's weight, if you drop a line from the head to the ground, it should end somewhere between the person's feet. (the closer to the middle it is, the more balanced the pose, barring counterweights or something).
The guy in the hardhat also looked a bit unbalanced and I didn't get him quite right either, but I think he looks more balanced now. Because he's putting all his weight on one leg, his head should be roughly above that leg. The other leg doesn't support much weight, but it counterbalances his hip, which should be jutting out a bit in that pose.
Whew! I hope that helps! Sorry that it took so long for anyone to respond to this!
My own latest page
is a two-page spread, I hope that's okay. The two pages are meant to work together, but if that's too much, feel free to crit just page 5 (on the right).
Also, this is a sketch comic, so I'm not really inking it/making it neat.
Edit: I've since updated the comic, so feel free to choose either the linked spread or whatever the current newest page is.