My friend needs help...

[StrawberryCheesecake]

I'm so sick an tired of this.My friend A is being abused and neglected.

Spoiler! :

Her mother is constantly emotionally abusing her,saying that A should've never been born and that her life would be better without A
Her mother also refuses to cook or leave food in the fridge for A.Doesn't give her money for lunch and constantly makes her late for school by not caring to drive her there on time.

Yesterday I had to invite A to stay at my house because her mom expected A to sit out in the parking lot of our school in freezing weather for two hours to be picked up.
When I invited her over to my house I offered her leftovers from a multi-layered dip that we had made the day before (she'd never tried multi-layered nacho dip) and she told me that the dip was all she had eaten and was going to eat for the rest of the day.

Today A had to borrow a bus ticket from me because her mom won't pay for bus fare for her.
And just when A FINALLY gets money from her dad to pay for own lunches which she hasn't had for the past week or so her mother guilt-trips A into giving the money to her because she (the mother) went on some shopping spree.
After school my really awesome teacher gave me a lollipop but I was craving a bottled milk shake from the vending machines,A was walking home with me and so I offered her the lollipop because they'd taste funny together.She told me it was all she had eaten once again for the entire day.
As far as I know her food intake for the entire day was a handful of Mike and Ikes I gave to her that I had in my purse for lunch and that lollipop.

Then when I got home A facebooked me that she wanted to die and it scared the hell out of me,I would quote the posts but she seems to have deleted them.
She says that occasionally though,that she always feels suicidal at home.

It honestly hurts me so much that someone I regard as a little sister is in so much pain,there's not much I can do about it but I've considering packing a double lunch for her so that she can actually eat a proper meal at least once a day.

The worst part of it is that she feels GUILTY when I invite her over after school or for a sleepover or when I try to be a good host and offer food,because her mother has convinced her that she's worthless.

Luckily she's found somewhere to move out next summer but it kills me that she has to wait that long to be happy.
I've tried to talk her into calling social services but she refuses to because she knows that a new home/family would mean being pulled out of our school and she'd have to leave her valuables which she treasures more than herself behind.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do?

[Rathaloskid]

wow..that is an extremely serious matter. I dont know if there is anything more you can do to help. I would just stick by A's side and try and keep her happy. If it were me i'd keep a close eye on A. Other than that just keep on doing what your doing and tell A to keep on trucking! Although if you do feel the need to talk to some one, while i may be a random stranger on the internet feel free to toss me a pm, and tell A the best of luck from rath!

[T1p2]

I would go ahead and make the double lunches at the very least. Maybe talk with your parents (?) and see about arranging so she can stay with you until the summer. I'd also copy the facebook posts into files and store them on a hard drive before they get deleted. "A" may not be deleting the posts. It might be her mother doing it. As far as social services goes...it sucks to lose a friend because she has to move schools...it sucks worse to lose a friend to suicide.

In the mean time try to keep her spirits up and reassure her that she is NOT worthless.

[Mr Aids]

What the hell! This mother of hers is neglecting all her duties, if she can't even feed her. I would be all up for contacting social services, but if she really doesn't want to then maybe she can be convinced to talk to her teachers first. If that doesn't work then I would go with T1p2's advice, but your parents would likely want to contact social services as well. But yeah, stick close to her and make sure nothing happens to her in the meantime, she needs a close friend to get her through these troubled times.

[Molly-sama]

I'd also say stick near her and just be a friend to her, maybe help her out a little if you can (the lunches idea, inviting her over more, etc.), and make sure when you are with her to say things that would make her feel better, to counteract her mom's crap. It probably won't do too much, since hearing things like that from your mother is a horrible feeling, but at least you can offer her some support. She'll have a good friend with her, at least.

I'm in the same vein of thinking as Mr Aids in that you should also talk to a teacher or even the school counselor about your friend or convince her to. If it is considered by the counselor to be abuse, then the school has to do something about it. If she won't, your counselor will probably still be there to help give you advice on what you should do for her.

And you said her dad gave her money- is he aware of all this, if you know? Does he also know that his child isn't eating properly? If so, then he is just as guilty as her mother, and if not, he should be made aware by her, though that's probably easier said than done.

[YakkitySax]

I like what everyone has said, but you have to keep in mind that sometimes people don't want help. If she is taking food from you and mentioning that it is all she has eaten, then that's a good sign she would be happy to take more from you at lunch. Don't pack a full extra lunch at first. Just start bringing more with you.. like an extra sandwich or a few apples you feel like "munching" on and offer them to her. Despite wanting help, the situation can be embarrassing to some people, especially those with such bad self esteem, and helping in a more subtle way can be better. That way she also won't feel that she is making you go without something.

In the end, if you want to ask "Are you okay with everything at home?" I suggest you do. That could open up a door that hadn't been before and make her more comfortable with talking to you and possibly getting some help sooner. If she doesn't want to talk about it, don't push the subject on her. However, if she isn't being fed.. I don't care how much you think she loves her "things". Things aren't as important as her health and well being. She can take things with her and get knew ones. I would, honestly, talk to someone.. even if it is your parents about the issue. NO child/teenager should go hungry.

[StrawberryCheesecake]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply! I'm gonna try to reply to everything (which is a pain because I'm on my phone right now)

In terms of the double lunch I've been using the "You've never tried this before?Here have the whole thing if you like it!" Sort of technique to convince her to eat properly
I do have an extra sandwhich for her today (Anyone ever tried Rose Petal Jam? It's delicious!)

In regards to social services I'm probably going to book an appointment with the
Guidance counsellor that used to run the GSA as she knows A and will probably be more understanding.

Her dad seems to be rather distant,She has a habit of playing with people's hands when she's bored and her pulls his hand away if she tries to.He doesn't seem to like his wife as when she was away A said he tool them out for dinner and she was fed properly but he only seems to care when A's mom isn't present

In terms with her valueables I've even offered to keep her guitar and laptop at my house so that when she would move I could give them back to her.She refused but at least the person she's moving in with is her girlfriend who lives in another province.

And lastly because she's an awesome and sweet person my mom is always willing to have her over for sleepovers but I live in a 3-bedroom townhouse with 3 other people (My room is the tv room actually) so we don't have the living space to let her stay with us.Another friend of ours does so if this gets any worse I'm also considering smuggling A to that friend's house (with the friend's mom's permission of course)vc

Again thank you for the help!

[corruption]

Her father may be acting distant to her around her mother because he is worried that if he worried that if the mother thinks he cares a lot about the girl, then the mother may use it against him by being even worse to your friend, and demanding stuff from the father, using A as leverage. Methods include hindering visitation, saying she needs money for stuff for A which she uses for her own desires, and more.

It is also possible that A's father is the kind of person who was raised to not show deep emotion infront of other people, or some other reason.

One last thing I can recommend if her mother is reading her email accounts and monitoring her facebook account is to get her to make alternate accounts that her mother is unaware of. I have four.

One important thing to remember is that she must use her new email address to create the new accounts. Do not have the new accounts linked to the old ones. Use the same email provider.

[StrawberryCheesecake]

Oh her mom doesn't know about A's facebook or email as far as I know

[corruption]

As far as you know, and even as far as A knows does not mean her mother does not know about them. I think most parents would reasonably assume their kid has an email account and a facebook account. She could get A to give her the details and passwords, probably by telling that she needs to make sure people are not trying to take advantage of A with all the scammers out there and preditors. Also a bit of guilt tripping about A not trusting her may get her the passwords.

[StrawberryCheesecake]

As far as you know, and even as far as A knows does not mean her mother does not know about them. I think most parents would reasonably assume their kid has an email account and a facebook account. She could get A to give her the details and passwords, probably by telling that she needs to make sure people are not trying to take advantage of A with all the scammers out there and preditors. Also a bit of guilt tripping about A not trusting her may get her the passwords.

Ohhh... you're saying that her mom might've said the suicidal things on facebook. (That took me a while)
I did actually talk to her about it and A said that is was her and she then apologised,which was unnesecassry so I just told her to come talk to me in person about it rather than over the internet.

--

Also in the news concerning A which has hit me in shock...
Usually A is with the rest of us at lunch and it's the only time I see her during school hours but today she wasn't there.In the middle of lunch my phone which has facebook rang and I got this message:

Spoiler! :

sorry tina
i got to the point where ms. longuet said that i shouldnt be at school
(Ms Longuet is one of the guidance counselors at school,she helps me and another teacher run the GSA which A attends so she knows both of us quite well)
so im kinda at home and im just kinda here
ily guys tho

I asked her what she meant and this was the response...

gdi satan's house smells like food that i havent eaten
(Satan's house is a joke between us,for convenience I saved her mom's phone number on my phone and under company I put down "Satan's Office")
baw
and just
you know how i've been really sad for the past while? the math test this morning kind of kicked me in the ass and then when i walked in through the doors, leila saw me and she was like 'wtf she's still alive?'
usually i'd just laugh it off like 'lol yeah i'm still alive, deal with it bitch'
but today i just felt so shitty it punched me straight in the gut and i was in tears by the time i got to my class
so i gave my math teacher the note about me not doing the test today and went down to guidance and spoke to ms. longuet for like an hour and then she finally said that i should probably go to the hospital or something, just to get shit checked out
and then dad came even though mom was supposed to and ron and dad did their job and made me feel 1000x worse
so now im at home all tired and unable to type properly because of lack of energy and all of that

I've told her that I'm going to take her to the clinic by my house on tuesday (monday's thanksgiving) and she's agreed

I just...I really hate this situation because I feel almost completely powerless while she's being hurt.

[C_You]

I hate to tell people that situations are beyond them, but I am about to. If you are in the US, you need to get your friend's situation into the hands of CPS. Wherever else you may be the same thing applies. Your friend is being abused. Professionals need to get involved. Your friend is a child who has been emotionally abused- It is possible that she is not the one who knows what is best for herself. Everyone wants to try to be tough, and she is not in a good place to be.
Talk to your own parents, if you too are underage tell them what is going on. Do more than pack two lunches. Get her the attention of something that can really help her. I know it's hard, but think about where she is going to end up if you do nothing.

In short, your friend sounds like she needs help beyond what you can provide. And if you have a way to get her into better help, you should.

[StrawberryCheesecake]

Just gonna update on what I posted before,because it'll explain more of the situation
Firstly she's somehow getting money for food,Although her mom is trying to dwindle this money as much as she can A is still eating near regularily now without my help so I'm happy about that.

But I completely forgot to tell you guys what happened on the tuesday I took her to the clinic

Spoiler! :

I took her to the clinic and the doctor was really nice and told us that we'd need to get her into hospital care.She gave us a referral form to give to the doctors that explained everything about A's problems and told us to go to the emergency room ASAP.After talking with my mom and A calling her mom to tell her she'd be at the hospital we went that night but it just so happened that the hospital I went to doesn't have a mental ward
We waited forever,she talked with a crisis counselor. Unfortunately because A is a minor by a year and she somehow managed to tell her mom where the hospital is over the phone (they speak Bengali over the phone because A's mom is terrible at English) A's mom stopped by for a visit,she spent all her time there either talking really loudly on the phone,completely ignoring A save for buying her soup, being a nuisance to the doctors in the emergency floor by wandering off and just being in the way of the doctors as I nervously paced back and forth worrying about A's health. At one point the three of us were waiting for the crisis counselor to come with the doctor and A and her mom began to speak in Bengali,A's mom sounded quite agitated and A then turned to me and asked if I loved her (as a friend) even though she has a "mental disorder" according to her mother,which A had told me before makes A's m mom ashamed of her.I said of course and explained how I recovered from a very mild depression while i was her age and therefore somewhat understand what she's going through (I was good at keeping it hidden though and never attempted suicide because I can't stand pain) Her mother kind of went silent after that.Of course as a said before because A is technically a minor still and A's mom was there so A's Mom got to be in charge of her treatment.Which means she got sent back home.
This infuriated me because her home is where most of this stuff is happening that's making her feel terrible and have suicidal thoughts.So my mom being the brilliant lady that she is has come up with a plan to smuggle A to another hospital with a mental ward without her parents knowledge and explain everything to them.

Oh and I live in Canada btw, and I'm trying my best to get her butt to the mental ward of a hospital before it gets worse but A's mom is a clever little thing and makes sure A has plans she can't break on the weekends when I can take her so that I can't take her.

[Mr Aids]

Just gonna update on what I posted before,because it'll explain more of the situation
Firstly she's somehow getting money for food,Although her mom is trying to dwindle this money as much as she can A is still eating near regularily now without my help so I'm happy about that.

But I completely forgot to tell you guys what happened on the tuesday I took her to the clinic

Spoiler! :

I took her to the clinic and the doctor was really nice and told us that we'd need to get her into hospital care.She gave us a referral form to give to the doctors that explained everything about A's problems and told us to go to the emergency room ASAP.After talking with my mom and A calling her mom to tell her she'd be at the hospital we went that night but it just so happened that the hospital I went to doesn't have a mental ward
We waited forever,she talked with a crisis counselor. Unfortunately because A is a minor by a year and she somehow managed to tell her mom where the hospital is over the phone (they speak Bengali over the phone because A's mom is terrible at English) A's mom stopped by for a visit,she spent all her time there either talking really loudly on the phone,completely ignoring A save for buying her soup, being a nuisance to the doctors in the emergency floor by wandering off and just being in the way of the doctors as I nervously paced back and forth worrying about A's health. At one point the three of us were waiting for the crisis counselor to come with the doctor and A and her mom began to speak in Bengali,A's mom sounded quite agitated and A then turned to me and asked if I loved her (as a friend) even though she has a "mental disorder" according to her mother,which A had told me before makes A's m mom ashamed of her.I said of course and explained how I recovered from a very mild depression while i was her age and therefore somewhat understand what she's going through (I was good at keeping it hidden though and never attempted suicide because I can't stand pain) Her mother kind of went silent after that.Of course as a said before because A is technically a minor still and A's mom was there so A's Mom got to be in charge of her treatment.Which means she got sent back home.
This infuriated me because her home is where most of this stuff is happening that's making her feel terrible and have suicidal thoughts.So my mom being the brilliant lady that she is has come up with a plan to smuggle A to another hospital with a mental ward without her parents knowledge and explain everything to them.

Oh and I live in Canada btw, and I'm trying my best to get her butt to the mental ward of a hospital before it gets worse but A's mom is a clever little thing and makes sure A has plans she can't break on the weekends when I can take her so that I can't take her.

Well at least things seem to be moving forward to an extent. I'm at least happy to hear that, I hope you keep us posted!

[The_Hankerchief]

Phone Children's Aid, or a suicide hotline. Both would probably be the best bet. If that's what it's boiling down to, something's gotta be done. If you can't bring yourself to do either, print out the Facebook posts (Do not copy/paste them into Mircosoft Word or something, do it just like you would print a regular web page, by going to File > Print in your web browser, this way, mom can't claim these statements are fake or forged) and show them to the counselor, and let her do the work. I'm not sure about Canadian law, but in my American home state of Oregon, if a teacher sees something like that, they are required by law to report it, no buts about it. In the meantime, continue to keep doing what you have been doing; offering things like food and shelter, and keep being a good, supportive friend. Period.