Lately the only bonuses/good things that I've had the past month is that my application for a loan finally went through so now, even though its past midterms, I finally have most of my textbooks. But now that I have them I have to go back and read roughly 9 weeks of material that I missed out on because the final is cumulative so I can't just say "screw it" and skip it. And its a even more frustrating that I can't get a job to pay off the loan. My mom is alright with making payments for now until I can get a job, and I promised to pay her back every cent(which makes further problems because she keeps telling me that I don't need to but I feel like I have to which causes us to argue and stress both of us out more), but its just frustrating that regardless of how many applications I do, how many resumes I manage to send out, I just keep getting either complete and utter silence or some kind of "we don't have any openings right now" despite me applying for the jobs because there was a notice saying they had openings.
The only other good-ish thing was finally going to my first anime convention, which was really great and exciting, but the entire time I was beating myself up over it. The main thing was once again was money, because I had paid for entrance, but it was with money that my mom had given me before Christmas telling me to spend it on something "for fun" for once in my life, but I couldn't stop feeling like I could have just secretly used that money to pay off some of my loan. My friend who I went with even noticed it, at least my lack of "super-extreme-happytime-bouncing-off-walls-ness" and kept asking me why I wasn't excited about being there. There was a little part of me that just kept saying that I could have just not gone and got some work done, and it was really hard to ignore, because despite that being the only real break that I've had from anything, it was true. I even spent my entire spring break cleaning my Mom's house instead of trying to relax. She works over 48 hours a week(usually anywhere from 48 to 56 hours) on the night shift in a heat treating plant and doesn't always have the energy to do all of the stuff like that, which isn't a big problem because when I still lived with her before moving into the university's dorms I was doing all of the cleaning anyways to help out since there was no one else to do it. (if you don't know what a heat treating plant is its where places like car manufacturers like GM sends their metal parts to be put in a furnace to make them harder, or something of that affect).
All I wanted to do was clean the house enough so that when my sister visited for the first time in almost three years since her husband was sent to Japan, she, her husband, and her two and half year daughter could be comfortable, and no one would have to worry about a small child getting into stuff she shouldn't. But there was a big problem: my brother moved back home. You'd think that someone who only works part time and did nothing else would be more inclined to do stuff to help out like clean, but nope, that wasn't the case at all. The roughly 10 days that I was back there, I was running the dishwasher every single night, (which was the only time that I could do it because my brother insisted on using something that required water every waking moment like the washing machine and shower) and would complain like a small child when he couldn't use them, despite him being almost 24) and even after running the dishwasher for so long as well as hand washing everything else like the larger pans I still couldn't get everything done, but at least by the time I left there was actually dishes and silverware to eat with. Then there was the living room. That alone took most of the week. It was such a disaster, there was paper everywhere along with cardboard boxes and even more dishes, which I found out while cleaning was almost entirely from my brother. Seriously, no matter how much you argue with me, you aren't going to convince me that our mother who is about to turn 50, barely knows how to use the computer outside of email and her games that I helped her install and hates lasagna would sit in the living room eating lasagna TV dinners, drinking mountain dew code red and opening countless packages of electronic devices. Aside from needing to sort through all this stuff to make sure I wasn't throwing away bill notes or something, I had to keep an eye on his fucking dog. There was already three cats in the house, why did my mom not tell him to get rid of the dog? It just pisses me off that she just cannot say no, despite knowing full well what would happen especially when she knows full well that whenever he says things like "I'll do it" or "I'll take care of it" what he actually means is something more along the lines of "I'll do it for the first couple of days, then its your problem". I had to keep checking on it because not only was it pretty insistent on peeing on everything and attacking the cats at every waking moment, it kept tearing things apart and breaking into the bathroom to eat the cat's shit from the litter box. The only time I didn't have to worry about that was the first 2 hours of cleaning the litter box everyday.
And of course to make matters even worse, not only was my brother ignoring everything that I was kindly asking him to do like "Would you please rinse out that pan you used?", he was pretty damned determined to piss me off, or at least that might have just seemed like that due to the stress. In the case of the dog, I would ask my brother to clean up the dog's urine (and sometimes the crap) and take them outside and he would go on a rant about how he didn't want to do it, or he would put it off forcing me to do it, and when he did do it he couldn't manage to do it without grumbling or yelling the entire time. And of course whenever I would finish cleaning something, I would take a small 20-ish minute break to sit down, comeback and find whatever it was a mess again. The kitchen: dirty pans and dishes suddenly on the counter again, the living room: more boxes, plates, and bowls, the bathroom: hair in drain, hair in the sink from him cutting his facial hair, water everywhere, etc.
Finally about that Thursday, I think, I finally lost it. I had asked him to do something again, I can't even remember what it was now, but he started bitching and it just set me off. I ended up screaming and yelling at him for almost 15 minutes straight. I yelled at him about everything, but mostly of him not doing anything. I know it was pretty bad, I haven't raised my voice at anyone for almost 10 years. But honestly it felt good. I've been putting up with his shit for my entire life, and it felt good to know that after trapping him in his own room forcing him to listen to me yell at him and him not able to say anything other than the occasional "calm down"(which is just something you don't say to someone who's pissed off at you), he finally started doing some things and stopped grumbling when it came to taking care of his dog that he promised to take care of. The rest of that week went rather uneventful, mostly due to my brother's sudden interest in avoiding me at all costs(which I find funny now, but only because the areas I was cleaning was the only way to get to the bathroom from where he was hiding).
Fast forward to last weekend, where my sister finally came up and I went to the convention.
I'm not going to beat around the bush: I hate my sister's husband. Guy's a jackass, among other things. Which would be alright to deal with for me, since I didn't think that I would have to deal with him too much. But lo and behold, my sister and her husband are joined at the hip. Whenever I wanted to be able to spend just a few moments talking with her, even before her visit I always had to do it through him. In the case of using the yahoo messenger before she came back, there was more than one instance where I'd see that she was online, go to talk to her and get replied with the message "I'll tell her later". HER? I come to find out that he constantly gets on her email, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with that. And now she wonders why I almost refuse to talk to her online unless its through webcam. Anyways, while I was trying to catch up with my sister while she was up here while I wasn't at the con, it seemed like every time I tried to talk to her she would stop me to yell at either her husband or her daughter. Which was pretty much every moment, so now she seems like she acts more like her husband now and its frustrating because now I feel like I can't talk to her anymore which feels really bad because she was always the only other person other than our mom who I could relate to in the family and talk about things and not feel like I needed to explain everything or hide anything. In the case of her and her husband being joined at the hip, when my mom was going to drop me off back at my dorm my sister asked my mom if we could take her daughter with us. I was a little annoyed at that because I already had to carry stuff up back into my dorm with the help of my mom and didn't want to worry about trying to keep an eye on a small child as well, but both my mom and I said "sure". Somehow within the span of the five minutes it took me to put my stuff in the car they, both she and her husband, decided that they were going to go too and wanted me to wait for them. That just set me off on them too, yelling. I had wanted to be back at the dorm by noon so that I could finish working on a couple of essays for class before Monday when one of them was due, which I had told them before then but now they wanted me to wait for them. It was mean, but I didn't want anything to do with them. I didn't want to listen to him talk, and I sure as hell didn't want to listen to them argue with each other as well. So that made two yelling fits in the span of a little more than a week.
The thing that really bothered me though, when she was visiting, was her yelling at her daughter for doing what kids normally do like running around or trying to pet the cats. They would also constantly feed her incredibly sugary things too, which bothered me. Every time she would start yelling at her daughter I would get flashbacks to the numerous research studies and whatnot that I have read and learned about how that kind of stuff, the pointless yelling and name calling ends up causing serious problems for the kids later in their lives like low self esteem and other problems that could cause mental problems and sometimes consequently health problems. Our family has enough mental and health problems due to genetics to not have it come through how one is raised as well. I feel like I can't talk to her about that either, because even asking about why she was yelling all the time caused to her to go on this self defending-like rant. She should know better after being raised by our father and stepmother for a few hellish years like that never did us any good.
It also seems like I'm just trying to make more trouble for myself whenever I try and work on my comic. I get frustrated working on it not because things don't go how I want them to, but that every time I try and work on stuff I end up beating myself up with the same "you should be working on school work right now" mentality. I've been working on my one comic script for over 4 years just expanding it. I want to get it started already, I have everything I need to get started, just lack the ability to stop beating myself up over the whole time thing and be able to sit down and draw more than one page without feeling incredibly depressed. I can't even take an hour break to doodle or practice by drawing things around me without getting the feeling like I'm doing something terrible.