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Some...Chick XDD
I'm gonna go with brother and sister, maybe? They look like they could be related to each other~

It would be hilarious if Argent was like his big/older sister or something.

Andy: "F*ck my life O_o;;;"
Argent: ">:333"
Catoni15
June 9th, 2009
Wow, did you go digital with this page? It looks *really* nice! Sharp and clean. Your coloring's improved, too! :D

Props for the full pager. Good call on that. Makes it more dramatic that way. Hehe.

Two things, though:

1) The background seems pretty inappopriate for the moment. There should be something more urgent and distressing. I see a lot of blue and little sparkles/trails/something of lights. It feels very mellow and calming to me when it should signal danger and threat. I don't know if you were trying to show the sky in the background or something. But those white things didn't look like clouds to me so I couldn't exactly tell.

2) Poses of both creature and girl seem really static to me. I can understand being frozen with fear, like the girl is too scared to move. But it probably would've looked more urgent if the monster was mid-way into making the kill. Like...I don't know, maybe its mouth open with teeth baring aiming for the throat or something like that? Just to make it more fierce. Because the monster strikes me as looking pretty calm and serene here, too.

Unless that was done on purpose. In which case that comment before is unnecessary, I suppose.

Story's getting good. Can't wait to see what happens next! Pins and needles over here. XD
She just flicked that guy in the face. He doesn't look like a push-over and he was stunned.

And all baldy over there can say is, "...Okay, so you know a neat trick. Big deal."

Not too smart, is he? XD

Hehe, been reading awhile but this is my first time commenting. I love this story~

Hm, and you want to use Ren'py? Sounds like you're making a visual novel (those things remind me of CYOA in some ways). I'm not sure if there's gonna be much to animate unless you get into some complicated programming. But Ren'py, I think, makes use of static images, sound effects and words to make a story. And this comic isn't too different from that, minus sounds.

Good luck with that and your fan base aim. I faved this a while ago. :)
Catoni15
January 22nd, 2009
I don't think I've seen anyone fumble with a cell phone as a way to keep them from using it. Then again, I don't watch very many movies or shows. So, meh, what do I know? XD

Though I have seen characters fumble with doors, tripping when they run, etc because of their fear. But oh well.

Ah, but you know what would've been pretty hilarious? If the phone just suddenly flashed on the screen these words: "Screw this. You're on your own!"

And then randomly exploded into little itty bitty pieces.

Now I don't think I've seen THAT happen for a cell phone. XDD

Ah, well. Your art's getting better and I can't wait to see the next page. I hope nothing bad happens to Ginny. I like her. ;_;
Catoni15
October 9th, 2008
I was here earlier to check on this comic and then I come back later and something is different. Then I was like, "Woah...update!"

It was all just suddenly updated XDD

I like this page. I like LuLu. Though the other girl (in the white and blue) really needs to lay off. Jeez.

I have to say that my favorite panel is the third one--made me laugh.

"No, he's totally not here shopping. Just, you know, at the mall to hit on/molest minors. You know, what he always does in his free time."

XDD
Catoni15
August 6th, 2008
Milley02
You're right about all that--and it's mostly about stylistic choices.

I remember some pages back that Butterscotch asked for some critiques and advice (but I think that was on a fight scene, or fight scenes in general). Remembering that, I didn't think she would be opposed to critiques extending beyond that particular subject.

Milley, if you personally don't like CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (which mine clearly is--I don't just mindlessly bash anything; I give reasons and support them--and I also list positives, too), then that's your choice, I suppose. But shooting it down for someone else? If Miss Butterscotch doesn't like it--as I've said--I'll stop. I just thought she (or possibly anyone else) could carry something away from everything I wrote.

I understand that you feel you're being supportive of Butterscotch, but shooting down helpful criticism like that doesn't help anyone--especially not her.
Catoni15
August 6th, 2008
Yay!--And Critique Time XD
For my art style comment: I'm not so sure now. I'm starting to think that your style is reflective of the 'American take on manga' thing. I might be seeing a little bit of everyone I can think of in there (from Ben Dunn to Katie Bair). Feel free to look up any of them (if you don't know who either is). There might be others, but I don't know their names. Gah, sorry. If it IS specific to anyone, and I can think of it, I'll let you know.

For now, I'm gonna go into critique mode (if you don't mind it, that is XD):

You can totally tell what's going on, and it's very basic. Jade played the flute and broke the spell. Adrian and Doug 'wake up'. Elijah, understandably, gets pissed off. XDD

Now, I did something a little weird and I drew out a slightly different layout for this page. I hope you don't mind. And please excuse the quality of it--I draw MUCH better with a pencil. My tablet is still something of a pain for me to use. I feel a little embarrassed posting this image up. Here's the link and I'll explain:

http://www.smackjeeves.com/images/pb/6/6Np1KSmfIEGE9kHdX7tY2E.gif

For one thing, the sizing is a bit off (ex: Jade should be bigger in her panel). But there were some things I thought the page could have used to be more effective and drawing it was the best way to explain.

Now:

1) I made the first two panels ones of Jade doing two things: A) reaching for the flute on the floor, and B) opening her mouth to begin playing. I suppose, techincally, you don't HAVE to have those things but little touches like that add to a page. And it creates a smoother flow. I also made them fairly small since--in comparison to other events around those--they are not as important. I also have the first two panels going from bigger to smaller. I was doing that as a way to 'point' towards Jade in the third panel as a way to pay attention to her playing the flute. Another way that could have been handled, I suppose, was to have the first panel smaller, then the second on bigger as a building up. However you want to handle that.

2) You would still have the notes filling up the panel with Jade playing the flute (I just got lazy). And having her facing towards the left was a good idea since, in the last page, you established that Jade was on the right side of the room while Angela and Elijah were on the left side. The next thing to take note of is, yes, the notes. It would have been a good idea to have the a path of notes flowing from Jade's panel into Doug's and Adrian's panel. That would show A) the music reaching them, and B) it would trail the reader's attention towards a path--specifically, the way the panels are meant to be read. You establish a path to draw their eyes. The red arrow shows that path, making it more evident.

3) In your version Adrian's and Doug's panels are laid out awkwardly. In my version I placed them back to back but made them--relatively--the same size. Actually, Adrian's head is supposed to be the same size as Doug's but, again, I hate my tablet pen *kicks*. Also, take notice of the purple 'things' I put in there. Those are little 'touches' used as a 'jarring' sense. You know? It's like a snap to attention. It's a nifty little tool that would have been a better way of showing them waking up. It's like a 'huh?' thing. It's used in manga often, along with other little variations of such. Also note the facial expressions. Their eyes are wide and they look surprised. In your version, I'd say Doug's panel is the most effective. He looks wide eyed and slightly confused. Plus there's that 'white-ish' lighter area behind Doug's head. It's like a 'light' being turned on in his mind--awareness, free will. Adrian's would have, but he looks more worried--his eyes should have been wider. Plus the 'light' isn't as clear in his. Because there are lighter areas of red, I know it's probably in there somewhere--it just got lost.

4) I really thought we could have benefitted from seeing Angela's reaction to Adrian and Doug waking up(ex: "Yay!"; "Thumbs up!"; "Hurrah!"; "Way to go!") or for a more serious tone: relief, maybe a little teary eyed. I'm not sure what you would have aimed for as far as mood goes. You'll also notice that I have an obscure figure near Angela: that would be Elijah. See, I made Angela bigger in that panel but I (tried) placing Elijah more in center to draw your attention to him. Because in the next panel would be his pissed off reaction. Make is face obscure but shading it with black or any other dark or menacing color to hint at his reaction. A little sound effect ('Grrr' maybe?).

5) Finally, Elijah's reaction. But, I would totally go with the way you drew it, expression and color-wise. I totally screwed him up--it looks too comical! XDD
But for positioning--he should be looking to the right since he IS on the left side of the room (as I've said before). You sort of flipped him onto the wrong side. Plus, having him on the bottom facing the right and having Jade on the top facing left makes the page--as a whole--feel more 'balanced'.

Other Misc. Technicalities:

1) Adrian's neck is too long
2) Where did all the blood from Elijah's nose go? Is he a fast healer, too?
3) Doug is tilted too far towards the right. He looks like he's about to get sucked into a vortex or something. XDD

Positive(s):

1) Nice choice of background for Elijah's reaction--all bloody and stuff. Very appropriate~

2) God, why can't I color like that with MARKER? Or WATERCOLORS? Or even INK the way you do? I'm jealous of you for that. All of those things HATE me. Hate, hate, HATE me--seriously. My lineart always stays in pencil. Forever. And I CG.


Anyway, that's about all I have. Seriously, if I have time I'll try doing a pencil version of the revision--I swear I can draw so much better than that! XDD

Take or leave my critique. And, if you don't mind it, I'll try to keep doing critiques like this? To help? If you want my help.

On to a less critical comment:

Yay--update! Can't wait to see what happens from here. Seriously, Jade should hypnotize Elijah and let Doug decide what to do with him. Why Doug? Because I like Doug--and I really felt like Elijah screwed him over worse than anyone. You don't turn on a comrade like that!

Also: I don't know if this has crossed the minds of our heros, but...wouldn't it benefit quite a few people if our heroine could be taught to master her 'pink sparkly magic of doom?'. I know Adrian mentioned not being so good at magic, but...maybe Jade and her people could help? And you might already have that planned, for all I know.

>.>

<.<

I'll shut up now. XD
Catoni15
August 3rd, 2008
Phew! I finally finished reading all the pages so far! I really liked this. Nice story, nice characters, makes me laugh--just all around enjoyable.

+fav

I actually clicked on your comic in the first place because the art style jogged something in my memory. I'm not sure how to say it--I wanna say it reminds me of a particular person, but, hey, who wants to hear something like that? I know artists hate hearing comparison comments. So--to be safe--I'll keep it to myself.

Anyway, can't wait for an update~!