Critique on my latest page

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Critique on my latest page

Postby ShaRose49 » December 2nd, 2018, 7:44 pm

I’m requesting critique in my latest page, only because I’m aware of a lot of mistakes I’ve made in the past and have already received some critique on them. I’m aware that I don’t know all the basics of shading and lighting, but I’m trying to keep it consistent. Image
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Re: Critique on my latest page

Postby TWWK » December 21st, 2018, 12:06 am

ShaRose49 wrote:I’m requesting critique in my latest page, only because I’m aware of a lot of mistakes I’ve made in the past and have already received some critique on them. I’m aware that I don’t know all the basics of shading and lighting, but I’m trying to keep it consistent.


I would say add some speed lines on the second panel.
Also, I suggest switching the romaji for actual Japanese characters, could look better.

By the way, in the first panel, Evan told her to "hold still" in English but talks later on in Japanese. Could be ignorance of my part and that's just something of the characters but keep a close eye for any further inconsistencies.
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Re: Critique on my latest page

Postby eishiya » December 21st, 2018, 8:09 am

I see your more recent page ditches the Japanese and only has the translations. I think that reads much better!

If you do return to using Japanese on the pages though, I second the Japanese writing suggestion. It would help the bubbles take up less space (perhaps leaving space for the translation in the same bubble!), and it would avoid having to deal with the word-splitting rules for romaji being different from English and potentially looking weird (e.g. okotteiru vs okotte iru)

The translations can be hard to read because they overlap the art in weird places. Since they're not an afterthought but something you can prepare for, you should make room for them in the panels. You could perhaps also put them in boxes, and plan for them as you would any other bubble (albeit a rectangular one that's probably in a corner).

The "anata wa kore ga..." bit struck me as being particularly western-sounding, native Japanese speakers usually don't talk like that. "Anata" is not the topic of the conversation, so it should not be introduced with the topic marker "wa". Pronouns in general are usually implied in Japanese. "Kore wa okotte iru to shinjiraremasu ka" would be a better-sounding way to put that. You would then also not need the "sore wa" part in the next panel, since the topic's already been established. Some the Japanese wording feels like literal translations from English rather than how someone would naturally convey each idea in Japanese. I'm not a native speaker so I can't give you good alternatives, though.


I think the fact that the critiques are all on your lettering is a good sign with regard to the art!
There are a few things in the art that stood out to me as more than just nitpicks:
1. Is the wall behind them changing colour in the first three panels? If the colours are just changing to suit the mood, then I think the choice of bright colours is inappropriate.
2. You seem to draw the muscles on her arm too symmetrical. The dips and bulges should be in opposition, that'll make the arm look more natural. This tweet illustrates what I mean. The same applies to legs. Even if you don't get the muscles "right", just using (slightly) opposing curves instead of making them symmetrical looks good!
3. It looks like you're just using the "base" colours of things, with no consideration for the colour of the light, bounce light, mood etc. This makes all the pages feel a bit rainbow-like and very samey, and most importantly, you're missing out on the potential storytelling benefits of using distinctive lighting. You're using background colours to set the mood on some pages, but you could go way further than this and apply that general idea to entire scenes. In addition to colour, you could play with light direction to increase or reduce drama in each scene or even panel (if combined with appropriate character/light movement).
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Re: Critique on my latest page

Postby simplykit19 » December 21st, 2018, 1:49 pm

nice page

good job
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Re: Critique on my latest page

Postby TWWK » December 21st, 2018, 7:27 pm

eishiya wrote: If you do return to using Japanese on the pages though, I second the Japanese writing suggestion. It would help the bubbles take up less space (perhaps leaving space for the translation in the same bubble!)


I say another way to do it is to copy the way it's done in some Undertale comics. Whenever Gaster is speaking, the Wingdings font goes behind with lower opacity and the translation goes over it in full opacity, all in the same speech bubble.
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Re: Critique on my latest page

Postby Eightfish » December 23rd, 2018, 4:04 am

I agree with what everyone else has said, but I'd like to expand on this one point:

Before even looking at the characters or the text I thought damn, the colors you use are really, really saturated. It also seems like you chose colors independently of each other and wasn't considering how they would look as a completed composition. And a lot of your colors seem to be the same value as well- like the background, her skin color, the sheets and her hair would be the same color if made into grayscale. This all leads to the coloring looking monotonous and boring despite being so vibrant and having so many different hues together.

I'd suggest using a much more limited color palette and reading up on color theory to choose a color scheme before you begin coloring a page. If you vary the saturation and value of the colors as well, that might actually help your storytelling by letting you choose specifically where to use highly saturated, bright colors. Right now, you're sort of highlighting everything, but de-emphasizing what isn't important could help draw your audience's eyes to the story important elements of your panels.

And I haven't read your comic, so I don't know if you're doing this purposely to reflect your character's personality, but you've colored every object in the room a very distinctive color. Reusing colors for unimportant objects could help make the page less chaotic.

It might also help to look at how other artists do things, or "cheating" by finding an image that has a nice color scheme and taking colors from that to color your own piece (that one's more of a comedic take on that technique).


Also: Something I don't think anyone else has mentioned yet. I like how you vary the level of zoom in your panels, and how in your latest pages you're also playing around with perspective and the angle you draw your scene from, but not enough that it becomes hard to understand. It's good.
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