I dumped my best friend

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I dumped my best friend

Postby Guest » June 9th, 2012, 3:58 pm

So, yesterday I send my childhood friend an angry email, telling her that I was disappointed in the amount of email I got from her, and told her that I wouldn't contact her any more.

Y'see, she moved to the other end of the country to study Japanese, like she wanted to. I thought we would be able to still get a hold of each other, since, we were best friends. Before that, she was going to High School, while I was on state aid, since I couldn't handle education or job at that time. I had a lot of time on my hand, but I waited for when she had time to visit me. It's wasn't very often. Maybe once every two or three month? I got by though, I had other friends, and I couldn't handle meeting people very much, so it was fine.
But right now, everything is great. I have a job (while receiving state aid, not a full-time job.. I'm working towards it though!), I make dinner, home, a couple of days in the week, and generally have more energy. I want to be with friends all the time now.
But she doesn't answer my emails very often. It can take over a month for her to answer, because she is using all her time, talking with her new friends. She doesn't really want to sit at the computer and communicate with me. She can't answer calls or receive messages, since there isn't any reception. She doesn't tell me when she is home in weekends, even though she normally lives 2-3 kilometres from me, and she knows I want to visit her while she is home.
She changed her email without telling me, and I had to call her parents to ask why she didn't answer. After she finishes this study, she'll continue studying Japanese on university. In the other end of the country. Where she will be just as busy, cause she is a social butterfly, and I'm.. Not.

I can't help thinking that I was just an outlet for her weird/Japanese loving/manga/anime side, while she lived out in the country.

I dunno, I really don't think I can tell my parents :| They are both friends with my friend's parents, and my dad often fixes their computers. I can't help but feel like I've done something wrong, since it's going to be awkward for my parents, and for me, when I meet my friend's parents. Heck, my friend's mother works at the vet we always uses. I can't show my face there any more.

:? But I don't think I've done anything wrong. I don't need friends who acts like strangers, and honestly, I don't regret it. I don't know if she has answered my email yet, and I don't really want to read it anyway. I'll just start crying, and then I'll have to tell my parents and crap. I just. Do anyone else think I did the wrong thing? Have anyone else been in a similar situation?
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Re: I dumped my best friend

Postby Ddraigeneth » June 9th, 2012, 4:40 pm

Sometimes people can just grow apart. I've gone months without talking to people--not because I'm trying to avoid them, but simply because I have other stuff on my mind and I don't think to call them.

I'm sorry it had to happen that way, but life moves on.
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Re: I dumped my best friend

Postby Snuffan » June 10th, 2012, 8:21 am

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you handled this kind of poorly.

From what I can tell, you wanted to talk to her more than she talked to you. When she didn't you got frustrated and annoyed, and responded by telling her that you don't want to talk to her at all. Not wanting to talk to her at all? That's fine! Telling her that she did something wrong and thats the reason you're not talking to her anymore? Redundant and kind of aggressive.

It really sounds like you've kind of been too much for her... And if there's a sure fire way to push someone away, it's being too intrusive and in their face. Why do I think it sounds like you've been a bit too much?
She changed her email without telling me, and I had to call her parents to ask why she didn't answer.

Whoa. Slow down. You sound like an over protective stalker boyfriend.

Just, the thing is, she's your friend for as long as she wants to. You can't force someone to be your friend, or force them to be friends on your term. If they slip away, you're gonna have to let them slip away. They come back if they come back. You just sound kind of frustrated over how powerless you are of the situation, so you try to gain control by "dumping" her. "You can't dump me if I dump you first!" kind of. It doesn't work. She's already dumped you, way back, and you should try and just accept this. Getting frustrated, jealous and blaming her won't help at all.
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Re: I dumped my best friend

Postby Falconer » June 10th, 2012, 10:38 am

Okay, I'll be playing devil advocate here, but I really must because I've been in this situation as the other friend.

See, there was a girl I became friends with in middle school and then we were best friends in high school and it was awesome. I loved her dearly as a friend, I really did, and I loved all the time we spent together!

BUT.

There was a problem between us that started growing near the end of high school, and she didn't see it. In her version of reality, everything was hunky dory, but the seed of irritation had been planted. You see, she didn't think about her future. At all. And she didn't seem to care. I wanted her to go to college, educate herself, and pursue her dreams. But she was completely disinterested. I tried finding schools she might like with majors she was interested in (she loved sculpture and ceramics), and I gave her the application information for every one, and even helped her put a portfolio together. She never applied to a single one. She just didn't want to. I accepted that, as it was her choice, but I still worried about what she would do with herself - because this is one big way we were different. She was spontaneous, and I'm someone who likes to have things planned. She also had a "me against the world" type personality and impracticality that I sometimes got frustrated with.

So I go to college, like I'd planned, many many states away. I stayed in touch for a while, but as time went by I called her less and less. Part of it was yes, I did make new friends. And part of it was that more often than not when we called, it would end up being an hour of her complaining about things going on at home. She liked to talk, but she wasn't a very good listener. But my new friends actually listened to me and were more similar to my personality, so maybe I did start to prefer them more, who knows.

Problems got worse. She continued to change jobs every couple of months - always someone else's fault - and I realized she was stagnant. I had gone to school and was learning and you could see a huge improvement in my art. Hers looked exactly the same as when I'd left. I tried to help her, lord knows I did, and I would ask again if her dreams were even still what she wanted. Her dreams hadn't changed, but neither had her effort to pursue them. She asked what grade I got on one assignment and I told her a B, which was what it deserved. She immediately started badmouthing the teacher for not giving it an A, and she didn't even know him - or that he was one of my favorites!

When I was home, she would show up at my parent's house at 2am wanting to hang out. I'd say no and I would get mad - mostly because my parents have work in the morning, they need to sleep, and every time she showed up the dog would bark at her arrival and wake them up and I felt bad because I am a guest in their house. If she stayed over with her boyfriend (who I also don't like at all), he would be really really loud and obnoxious. I asked him to keep it down because my dad doesn't like noise and, ya know, he's tired from working all day, but he just laughed and said, "Who the hell cares?" right to my face. I was appalled.

Obviously I wouldn't stand for this and I would explain to her in depth the reasons why. But instead of understanding or compromising, she would get upset, saying that the reason I wouldn't go with her at 2am was because I didn't like her anymore - which was NOT what I said at all. I finally got her to compromise and set a time in advance. She was two hours later. TWO. HOURS. She didn't apologize when she finally showed up and just laughed it off. For someone who would complain about how I don't put any effort into the friendship, it sure takes a lot of nerve to show up two hours late.

What finally made me decide to stop this friendship was when I went home in December and she invited me to hang out with her friends. I went. And it was awkward. Painfully awkward. Why? Because her new friends were all still in high school. It was an unnerving reminder to me of how stagnant she was in her life. She's still living with her parents and complaining about them, just like high school, and now still even hanging out with high school kids even though she's 4 years older than them. Their biggest concerns are what school they're going to go to (not her worry, of course), their test scores, and prom. I was worrying about getting a real job, paying bills, and living on my own. It really is a whole different mentality and world. I felt like I had grown and matured, but she hadn't at all, and on top of this was my growing resentment of her inability to listen to me. So naturally I don't really want to be her friend anymore. I don't call her. I don't tell her when I'm home. I don't really want anything to do with her.

And you know what? She still refers to me as her best friend. I have no idea why.

My point is that there is two sides to this. You're on one side and she's on the other. Maybe she just doesn't want to be friends anymore. You know what? That's okay. It happens. But you're also thinking about awkward and terrible it is for you - but maybe it's awkward and terrible for her too! Be honest, and be frank. Maybe there are things you do she's realized she doesn't like, but she's afraid to tell you. Or doesn't know how. Or she just wants to move on to another part of her life and you just aren't part of it.

It happens.

But as Snuffan said, you can't force yourself to be someone's friend. You really can't. It has to be a mutual thing to stay together.
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