I need help with my brother

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I need help with my brother

Postby neko-axe » July 15th, 2012, 12:02 am

(sorry I haven't been here in a while)


My brother is starting to get on everyone's nerves, and its not just the immediate family. This is kind of messy (and bitter) but I hope someone can help with advice or something. ANYTHING.
My brother is currently 24 years old and he has done almost nothing with his life in terms of his future and I honestly think that at this rate he's going to be in his thirties still trying to act like he is in high school leeching off of everyone. Our mom has told me before that he has been getting on her nerves with his behavior for a long time, but since she is a bit of people-pleaser when it comes to the family she hasn't done much about it and instead talks to me about it which just pisses me off more because there's nothing I can do about it. He won't listen to me, let alone do anything I ask him to do. He also won't take any responsibility in his own actions and blames it on others every chance he can get.
Work/school
His entire life he has had three jobs, two of which he was there for less than two weeks because he was fired for not following directions and rules. Last year he was going to AI for cooking, but after about five months he dropped out. About a month and a half ago he got fired from his most recent part-time job (which lasted a little more than 3 months) because he wouldn't do his job which he keeps saying that it "wasn't his fault". The only reason he even got that job was because our mom told him to get a job or go back to school. So far he hasn't even looked for a job since getting fired even after I started to try and help him by giving him all the places that I was applying for as well as places that I knew were hiring but didn't have enough experience to apply. He has recently started to tell me off, coming close to saying he doesn't have to get a job and resorts to rolling his eyes whenever I ask if he has applied to so-and-so since I saw they were hiring.
money
Normally I would say that what he does with his paycheck is his own business, but it ticks me off too much after finding out what he did do. About two weeks ago I found out that he never saved any of his paycheck and instead spent every penny he ever earned on electronics like game systems, games, a television, an e-book, and a bunch of other stuff. He never helped pay for anything, not even buying groceries. He instead expects our mom to pay for everything. I would have expected him to at least try and find his own place or something.
Dog
While he was working he got a dog, some kind of beagle mix that's constantly running all over the place. He had promised that he was going to take care of it and buy everything that it needed before-hand, so mom said that it was okay. After he got fired he has done none of that, and while he was working he only did anything about half the time. I'm on summer vacation right now, and I have had to take care of his dog everyday and mom has had to pay for everything for the dog from food to a kennel since we can't leave her outside during the night. Mom has also had to replace numerous things around the house which the dog had destroyed by chewing since for a while she didn't have the kennel and my brother refused to keep her in his room overnight.
Both my mom and I have agreed that we would be OK with the dog if we had a choice in keeping her and it was our own decision, but its come to either us taking care of it or having an animal neglect situation which is absolutely not going to happen.
Chores
While I was off at school he made our mom do all the chores around the house as he wouldn't do anything. She'll ask him to do stuff like the dishes but he'll end up doing it once and not do anything again until she asks again. Since I've been here I've taken over trying to do everything and managed to get the house mostly cleaned up. Aside from not doing anything and refusing to do anything, he seems to try and piss me off while I an doing the chores. Its probably just my imagination since I'm becoming more and more angry with him, but I just can't get over the fact that no matter how many times I ask him not to he still leaves his shoes in the middle of the living room floor and never takes the dishes out of his room. I had to have my mom help me one day when he was out with friends so that I could get all the dishes out of his room since we were literally running out of silverware and plates and I just couldn't stand the smell rotting food coming from his room anymore. The only thing he does do is mow the lawn every couple of weeks when mom tells him to, but he still can't do it without complaining.
One of the things that really set me off after coming back home was going into the kitchen and not only finding a load of his dishes sitting in the sink, but the fact that part of the kitchen had scorch marks. Apparently about a week before he had left a pan on the stove while it was still on after cooking something and it had turned into a grease fire while he was on the other side of the house. He came close to burning down the house. Icing on the cake: When I asked him why he left it on the stove especially after he has been told numerous times not to do that, he tried to reassure me that "it wasn't his fault". (I've gotten some of the soot cleaned up...)
When he isn't doing things he is forced to do he spends almost every waking moment playing video games. I really wish it were a joke, but since he leaves his television at max volume I can hear it all throughout the house (and sometimes outside) whenever he has it on as well as hearing his cussing through the walls and over the sound of the television. Sometimes I can get him to stop, or at least turn the volume down during the day by reminding him that our mom works nights and sleeps during the day but he couldn't give a rat's ass during the night. His main thing right now is that since neither of us have a job it doesn't matter what he does or whether or not it keeps me up at night since it doesn't matter.
The only break that I've had from him recently is when he has taken to going to his friends' house to play more video games and RP with them.

____
Most of this is stuff that I've had to deal with/stuff that I have seen him do, and the rest is stuff that my mom has told me that has happened (and there is a lot that I have left out like how he has been treating people, both more distant family and friends).
I've half-joked with my mom before about just throwing him out of the house, to just force him have a crash course in getting his shit together but lately its started to turn into a more serious discussion where she seems to have started using me to rationalize the decision. I've even had a few talks with her about giving him deadlines like having a job within a month and apartment within whatever time. To be honest, neither of us want my brother to be thrown out but his behavior and attitude towards everyone and everything tends to overpower the "he's family" mentality. Mom has even started saying "I know he's my son, but...". We know that he has friends that can take him in at least temporarily if it does come to that, and we know that when he is pushed to do something he will do it like getting a job, but it's still that issue of "should it happen?"

If anybody has some kind of advice or something that would help, it would be much appreciated.
(Maybe if you have known someone who was kicked out of the house for similar behavior and whether they cleaned up their act or not?)
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Re: I need help with my brother

Postby eishiya » July 15th, 2012, 6:54 am

"Clean your act up, or get out."
Give him two or three months to correct his behaviour, or kick him out of the house (change the locks if you have to). You'd have to be very firm with this and actually carry it out if he fails to change, so make sure both you and your mother won't cave and let him stay.

It might seem cruel to throw him out there with no job, and no education, but he sounds like he knows what he must do. He's tried school, he'd had jobs. He's not incapable, he's simply insufferable, from the sound of it. The grace period should give him enough time to find a new job or go back to school, as well as show you whether he can keep to a promise of doing chores, etc.

Give him a schedule he must follow. A minimum time for chores every day (with occasional days off when there's nothing to do, but keep these to a minimum), in addition to work/school. Try to get him doing social things too, he could use the good influence and time away from his consoles. I can't really suggest anything there, though.
Don't eliminate video games from his life, but don't let them be what he does for most of the day, or he'll get used to that and start taking time away from other activities to play again. You will have to be strict. He will probably whine about being treated like a kid, but what else can you do? He's acting like a kid, and until he starts acting like an adult of his own volition (rather than to please you), he'll have to be treated like one.

If you have the money, I highly recommend hiring a professional to help you with this (or perhaps they'll suggest something else). A professional would be able to help not only your brother, but you and your mother as well. These situations take a toll on everybody.

Disclaimer: I am not any sort of authority on this. I am telling you these things based 30% on personal experience, 70% on reality TV (Intervention-type shows). So, it's probably 70% bullshit, please keep that in mind.
The personal experience: I was in a much lighter version of your brother's situation after graduating from school. "I need a break," I said, and so started the most unproductive three months of my life. My parents threatened to charge me rent or kick me out (we had a number of fights and creys over this), which hastened my start at work. Had they been more firm, perhaps those three months could have been saved.
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Re: I need help with my brother

Postby Queerious Toast » July 15th, 2012, 7:00 am

Basically, what Eishiya said. Almost all of my cousins were college drop-outs turned bums until their parents threatened to kick them out. All of them have jobs now.
mosama wrote:Did I give you permission to bring my thread back from the dead with your flop ass autistic 5 year old doodle?
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Re: I need help with my brother

Postby corruption » July 16th, 2012, 4:27 am

I know how hard it can be to get a job with no experience, and in my case, no drivers license. I was in my late 20's before I got a full time job. Before then a few rare casual one day-one week jobs, even though I was looking. I was living at my parents place for most of this time, until I got a bedsitter I could rent from the Department of Housing. (This is in Australia.) After I got a job I had to move out after a bit as I was earning to much to be able to stay there in the subsidized apartment, so I moved back to a granny-flat at my moms and am now paying her the rent.

I managed to get by on paying the rent for that, my food, bills and even save money on my unemployment money the government handed out.

One thing I did, which your mother can insist your brother do is volunteer work. Gives experience that can help with jobs.

Give him plenty of warning about when you will be kicking him out. There are three things he may try to do when it is time for him to be kicked out, apart from trying to plea to stay back there.

The first is saying he has no-where to go. He can stay at his friends places for as long as they let him. (That will be an eye opener for them)
He will say he can't take everything. Tell him he has had three months to sort it out, and after about three more months he will have to either pay for it being stored there, or it will be donated to charity. (Worked when my sister and her then boyfriend/ now husband moved out of my moms place after staying there for a bit when their new house was being made. It had been there for over a year until they were given that ultimatum.)
He will mention that no-one will take the dog in with him as no pets are allowed. You mentioned how you and your mother would not mind just the dog. Offer to keep it as your pet.

He may also try to come back home saying he has changed. That will be because he will of realized how easy he had it. If your mother does allow him back in, make sure that he follows some rules, and if there is no improvement, kick him out again. I recommend having him kicked out for at least two months at first, so he can go through all his friends and wear out their hospitality first.

Now, here is an important question; what is he like when someone backs him into a corner like this? If he is if the type to get aggressive, you may need to get some serious help, otherwise he may go violent. I know of people like that. Family or not, they can go extremely violent and destroy the very places they are staying at.

If he is one of those people, be very careful.
We are all corrupt in our own ways
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Re: I need help with my brother

Postby Piano-kun » July 16th, 2012, 4:24 pm

I agree with Eishiya and corruption. Tough love is what it amounts too. There seems to be one person like your brother in almost every person's family. I have a cousin who was like that. It wasn't until my aunt and uncle gave him the boot did he turn his life around. I remember my folks also were involved in the intervention conversations with my cousin (I was a little kid when it happened, so I wasn't allowed in the talks), and getting the squeeze from them as well as other relatives helped too.

Now he has his degree and a good job. It's a complete 180 from the guy he used to be and it's really incredible. However, each family and situation is different. The only thing that is for certain is that if you continue to pander to his financial and living needs (money in his wallet and a roof over his head), nothing is going to change. Give him an ultimatum: either he changes soon or he leaves soon. It hurts, but it seems like this ordeal is hurting your family too.
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Re: I need help with my brother

Postby neko-axe » July 16th, 2012, 10:49 pm

Thanks for the replies, everyone! It looks like I will have to sit down with my mom first on the matter to make sure that she at least understands that we can't let him keep going like this, and then we can come to some kind of agreement so that neither of us is more or less stern with him than the other as well as make sure that she doesn't try and go soft about anything. The last thing either of us needs right now is him trying to get sympathy from us. I can set him up to do dishes and a minimum of an hour (or two) a day of training as well as walking his dog as daily chores, and then mowing the lawn as weekly chore but I'm not really sure of what else he could do. Maybe set up a cleanliness standard for his bedroom so that he will clean it and we can confirm if there is still carpet in there (sadly I'm not joking about that).
I think we will need to set up a standard for all of his chores, though. The last few times that he was forced to do dishes he only washed one side so that he could get it done quicker. It could have also been because he was doing that stupid stunt where people try and act like they can't do it so they never get asked again, but in that case he'll just have to do it a second or third time until he knocks it off or actually learns.

@eishiya:
All of that is actually really helpful, even if it is from reality TV :). Your three month break doesn't actually sound that bad, but if you regret that three month break than in comparison the on-and-off five year break of no work or school of his might actually hit him at some point as being an incredible waste of time. Hopefully it will happen.

@Queerious Toast:
Knowing that all of your cousins have jobs now actually makes me feel a little less bad about potentially kicking him out, Thanks!

@corruption:
The volunteer work is a great idea, it will definitely give him a reason to get up every morning even if he isn't getting actual money for it. And those warnings are something that I think will come of use pretty quickly. He tends to use similar excuses for most of everything else as well, now that I think about it so having those on hand now will be of great help.

To answer your question, I'm not sure. I know he used to be very violent as a child, we both were at times, but now I'm not sure. The only kind of aggression I've seen with him within the past five years is cussing, and hearing sometimes I'll hear him throw the game controller (it occasionally hits the wall that divides our bedrooms) but its usually pretty childish behavior when he is backed into a corner. Like he will shove things off of tables and counters and then slam his door and pout for hours. I'll try and be careful, at least keep my bedroom door locked during the night if possible. (I hadn't actually thought of his temper being a potential problem! )

@Piano-kun:
It has been a bit of a stresser, even to the extended family. Our grandmother visits sometimes and after the fire incident she had seen the smoke and fire damage and told some of the other family. Now every time there is some kind of family gathering I keep getting asked by aunts, uncles, cousins and everyone else why my mom hasn't thrown him out yet since they keep worrying that he's got a good chance of making us all homeless or get us seriously injured.
I will definitely have to point out to my mom how, for the past six years since he graduated, he hasn't gotten any better and isn't something that's going to get better by hoping.
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