I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

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I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby Warlin » November 17th, 2010, 4:00 am

Totally on accident. I mean, I wouldn't do it on purpose unless it was someone I hated, and I definitely do not hate this person, no.

Right, so this friend of mine, which I will refer to as FemaleFriend from now on, who I met because she happens to be another friend of mine's girlfriend(I will refer to this friend as MaleFriend) moved into my house along with MaleFriend. They were previously living at an apartment before they moved in, and MaleFriend still has a year left of high-school.(Due to a weird loophole, he's 'technically' a year behind, but he's 18 so he can leave his parent's pad.) MaleFriend has had a bad history as far as FemaleFriend is concerned. He was drinking underage and FemaleFriend didn't know and that pissed her off, and then he was smoking pot behind FemaleFriend's back, thanks to my brother, and that made her more angry, and then MaleFriend promised to stop and was smoking pot a week later and FemaleFriend was enraaagggeeedd.

Well, since I got to know her, FemaleFriend and I bond on a platonic level a lot, and she seems to like to ask me for my opinion on things and my advice. Plus, she can talk to me about MaleFriend, since I have a different view of him.

About a week and a half ago at ten in the morning I get this knock on my door and FemaleFriend is freaking out screaming about how she needs to talk to me about something. She says she found a bunch of sex-texts on MaleFriend's phone. And she shows them to me. Now, Malefriend may drink and smoke the ganja,(THANKS TO MY FSCKING BROTHER) but he's a very lax and complacent person, and I've never seen him do anything dickish ever. So this... confused the gods out of me. She was crying and yelling and trying to get me to figure this out, and I was pretty much uh, incredibly confused. Well, I told her if worse comes to worse, I'd kick Malefriend out of the house, because I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. I wasn't convinced, though. I thought there was some mistake.

ANYWAAAAYYYSS. Fastforward to the evening, Malefriend and Femalefriend have a talk and there's much screaming and yelling and then Femalefriend comes to me room and tells me that Malefriend said those sextexts were apparently a joke with an old female friend of his. I'm not convinced, and I'm angry. I tell FemaleFriend that Malefriend is being a moron, and he's a man and sometimes we do dumb things. Femalefriend asks me what she should do and I tell her to do what she thinks feels right.

Turns out he's been sex-texting that same girl since last November. He and FemaleFriend have been together for about two and a half years now.
Things get bitter and FemaleFriend thinks about moving out or kicking MaleFriend out. It's very awkward in the livingroom and I'm kind of paranoid someone might throw a table over or something.

A few days later they're both 'single' but cuddling eachother in the livingroom. I'm... confused by this, but whatever. I tell them they don't act very single and joke for awhile.

Tonight, I called my mother to tell her to pay a fucking bill she still hasn't paid(It's not even related to me and she could get arrested hardcore for this crap if she doesn't pay it soon) and I bring up Femalefriend and Malefriend. Well, she tells me to hand the phone to Malefriend, and I suddenly remember that I told her about all of this. My mother chews out Malefriend for awhile and Malefriend looks like he's about to punch my teeth in. Suddenly, I'm telling Malefriend he deserves it for being a moron and this flips some sort of switch in FemaleFriend.

FemaleFriend starts acting ornery and angry and concerned again. She comes into my room and asks me for advice and she talks about how MaleFriend did the drinking and the weed behind her back and that this will probably keep happening. I don't... really know what to say, and I realize I'm kind of the source of her current mood. I tell her she needs to think about what she wants and I tell her to forget about MaleFriend and think just about herself. She tells me that's a greedy way to think and she hates to do that, and I tell her everyone hates to do that, but you have to sometimes.

I think I'm partially the reason she's so miserable right now and I feel terrible about it. I don't know if I can fix this. Which sucks.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby Momentosis » November 17th, 2010, 4:34 am

Sounds more like they're screwing up your life.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby mlai » November 17th, 2010, 5:16 am

Completely agree with Momentosis.

Ofc I don't know these 2 friends of yours. But I think everyone knows that there are 2 different kinds of friends of life. Friends who lift you up (in life), and friends who drag you down. You're better off without the latter type; it sounds like you're in a better spot in life than they are.

Now, if their issues don't weigh on you everyday, and this is the exception not the rule, then you should just set boundaries. As in "this is your private life, I'm your friend but I am not going to get involved." Nothing good comes out of getting involved with other people's private life. When your male friend looked like he wanted to punch you, he had good reason.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby stripedwine » November 17th, 2010, 9:46 am

Yeah sounds to me like you didn't actually do much of anything. They need to sort their own shit out.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby blankd » November 17th, 2010, 3:18 pm

It's not your fault, they fucked this up themselves, MaleFriend can't keep promises or be responsible or FAITHFUL, FemaleFriend isn't stepping up to the idea of "maybe he just isn't for me" or realizing his damaging faults.

If they can't keep it together they shouldn't be together, so don't lose sleep over it.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby robybang » November 17th, 2010, 3:23 pm

I'd stop giving them advice and let them work this out themselves. Not that you're giving bad advice, but it sounds like they're all using you as either a crutch or a scapegoat for their actions.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby Nym.Katharina » November 17th, 2010, 4:51 pm

robybang wrote:I'd stop giving them advice and let them work this out themselves. Not that you're giving bad advice, but it sounds like they're all using you as either a crutch or a scapegoat for their actions.

Agreed.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby Nym.Katharina » November 17th, 2010, 4:52 pm

robybang wrote:I'd stop giving them advice and let them work this out themselves. Not that you're giving bad advice, but it sounds like they're all using you as either a crutch or a scapegoat for their actions.

Be careful, but I agree with this guy. You need to break it gently, but you need to set some order there. Sounds like a bunch of people with a lot of problems they need to work through. Just be there when needed.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby Warlin » November 19th, 2010, 4:17 am

I guess you're all a bit right. It's... not really my fault at all. I just feel really terrible about it. What with my overflowing empathy and apparent lack of testosterone or something.(I'm kind of a sissy.)
mlai wrote:Now, if their issues don't weigh on you everyday, and this is the exception not the rule, then you should just set boundaries. As in "this is your private life, I'm your friend but I am not going to get involved." Nothing good comes out of getting involved with other people's private life. When your male friend looked like he wanted to punch you, he had good reason.

Except for this. I do not believe you are right on this, and I'm sorry for not clarifying sooner, but I'm practically MaleFriend's brother, and I feel that it's partially my duty to intrude on his private life and either A. Protect him from himself, or B. Force him to learn from his mistakes.

Things have gotten calm again. I really don't know what's going to happen, but I guess if either of them comes to me, I'll tell them that it's really something they should figure out on their own.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby stripedwine » November 19th, 2010, 6:43 pm

Warlin wrote: I feel that it's partially my duty to intrude on his private life and either A. Protect him from himself, or B. Force him to learn from his mistakes.


But is it really your place? Like I said in another thread, you can't force anyone to do anything, and you can't force your own agenda and opinions on someone else as well. By that logic, take what I say with a grain of salt, but keep it in the back of your head, because you cannot control these people's lives, nor can you expect to feel responsible for them or their actions in any way. Messiah complexes are often detrimental.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby Warlin » December 4th, 2010, 4:22 pm

...fuck.

Okay, so I know this thread is technically dead, but I feel like this is important. Because shit just got... awkward. I uh, hrm. FemaleFriend and I were home alone today and she asked me if it was bad to have a crush on someone while you're in a relationship. So I told her yeah, it's kind of bad. Then, she told me that she had a crush on someone for a long time now, and that she had already told MaleFriend. So, I asked her who it was and she wouldn't really answer me for awhile. So I persisted. Because I'm awful or something.

Uh. It's me.

I tried to make the conversation less awkward for both of us, and I explained to her that I was incapable of having those feelings towards her. I mean, we're friends and all, but that's as far as I'd really like that to go. I told her that even if MaleFriend wasn't in the equation, it'd be bad for both of us, considering I'm a hermit and I snap a lot, and there's too much in my life for me to start up something like that, and I really wouldn't want to hurt her.

She says she thinks the whole crush thing will go away, but oh god. What if it doesn't and bad things happen? I don't want to distance myself from her because of this, and I definitely don't want to hurt her feelings, but nnhggghhhh.
Fffff this sucks.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby blankd » December 4th, 2010, 4:53 pm

Warlin wrote:...fuck.
(snip)
Fffff this sucks.


From the sounds of it she's going through a "phase" or is REALLY indecisive about who she likes. Give it time and start preparing for the worst. You can *still* be friends with her but you NEED to set up boundaries and stick to them. You must be strong!
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby Amante » December 4th, 2010, 5:02 pm

Oh man, I went through that exact situation. I just told her it couldn't happen and let it ride out.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby YakkitySax » December 4th, 2010, 5:06 pm

Perhaps the reason she's become attached to you is because you've been very personal and somewhat comforting towards her during this period in her life?

Like blankd said, set up some boundaries; maybe stop being so personal with her. You don't have to avoid her, but keep things at the 'arms reach-casual friend' relationship. If she doesn't have you to lean on at that sort of emotional level (Platonic as you said, but obviously it's turned into something you weren't expecting) she may get over it. Again, you can still be friends, but stay firm and don't let yourself get too close or deep; physically or conversationally.
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Re: I think I'm screwing up someone's life.

Postby ejcoletta » March 19th, 2011, 8:23 am

Warlin wrote:...fuck.

Okay, so I know this thread is technically dead, but I feel like this is important. Because shit just got... awkward. I uh, hrm. FemaleFriend and I were home alone today and she asked me if it was bad to have a crush on someone while you're in a relationship. So I told her yeah, it's kind of bad. Then, she told me that she had a crush on someone for a long time now, and that she had already told MaleFriend. So, I asked her who it was and she wouldn't really answer me for awhile. So I persisted. Because I'm awful or something.

Uh. It's me.



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