I'm Sick of It.

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I'm Sick of It.

Postby Guest » February 19th, 2011, 3:24 am

My family has a really bad and incredibly annoying habit of screaming at me for something I have no power over. Any given topic they're pissed about, they yell at me. I don't know why...most likely because I don't yell back. I'm the youngest and guess it has to do with that, too.

So I got a dorm. There were other reasons, things like wanting to be at least a little on my own to not wanting to have to get rides everyday to, yes, wanting this to stop. But I also visit my mom on weekends, from Friday to Sunday.

Today I had a great day. Better than this whole month. Then I texted my brother to come get me, as he was later than usual. He says okay, and he'll be there soon. An hour later, he shows up (I assumed from work). Getting in his truck, you have to slam the door. Apparently I did too hard because he immediately went off on me, and when I apologized, he gets sarcastic and basically acts like a jerk. So I put on my noise-blocking headphones, and I can still hear his screaming at other drivers while he speeds and jerks the car and blasts the radio (which I could hear with my iPod jacked up). We get to a store, he gets out and says, "You can come in with or fucking stay in the car. I don't care." And leaves.

Now I have a problem with screaming. Lower voices cause this weird and painful reverberating feeling in my ear, not to mention it just fucking freaks me out. Most of my memories of childhood are either goofing off or hearing someone yelling and carrying on. I even developed a method to tell if it was the TV muffled or something by the time I was ten. It's something I'm trying to deal with but is just really hard to get past because I'm actually kind of afraid of being screamed at. And when I'm stressed, I start to cry.

I managed to keep myself together until we get home, and he starts spilling to Mom. How he's mad at the other drivers and pissed about work and how my dad doesn't give him gas money to pick me up. So she goes on a rant about how my dad is a fuck up (they're separated). Plus my brother talks about how he "wasted gas going to get [me]." I try to talk to my mom, but she doesn't want to hear it. It's past 8, and I don't want to call my friends with this when they're probably enjoying time with their families or just having fun or even just not having to listen to this. So I have no one to talk to, and no one's sympathetic to me. In the end, my brother and I get a rant about how screwed up my dad is and how I need to stop being sensitive and he needs to stop ranting. Great.

Either way, this is a brief summary: my brother yells at me for basically nothing I can do anything about brought upon by me slamming a door, I'm apparently not worth the gas money to get me home (since they also ranted on when he had to pick me up the other day to take me to my dad's, a grand total of 1.7 miles), my mom thinks I'm being dramatic/overly sensitive, and I'm still in the wrong in the end.

I'm sick of having to act like I forgive everyone right after they say "I'm sorry." I'm so sick of being their goddamn rant magnet. I love my family, but I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. And I don't know what to do, and I never really know when one of them is going to do it.
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby corruption » February 19th, 2011, 3:41 am

Your family is fucked up.I would guess your brother got the habit of screaming about everything from at least your mother. I can't tell anything about your father from this.

I know about people being messed up in the head, and you are going that way a little bit. Not the same way as your brother and mother. You needed to learn something most people never truely learn; how not to give a fuck about things. Your mother and brother certainly haven't.

You have two problem yourself that need to be addressed in different ways. Your fear of being screamed at needs help from someone trained in mental problems. The pain in your ear, on the other hand, is something you should see a doctor about. Ringing in your ear can be a symptom of hearing loss. Prolonged exposure to high levels of low frequency noises can cause it, expressly when a person is young.

(If this is the case, when your mother tellls you that you are too sensitive, tell her the doctors agree, and she is partly to blame.)

It also sounds to me like your mother and brother have anger managment issues and yell to vent. My advise, keep the heck away from them.
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby Guest » February 19th, 2011, 3:56 am

corruption wrote:Your family is fucked up.I would guess your brother got the habit of screaming about everything from at least your mother. I can't tell anything about your father from this.

Ha, well, in my experience half of all families are. XD But yeah, I see that about my brother getting it from her. My dad does it, too, but in a slightly different way that, well, isn't exactly consistent. It's more like my sister, but they don't really do that to me since I don't really talk to my sister and my dad now just tries to leave the room and yell at inanimate objects unless he's REALLY pissed (and I stay far the hell away from even getting him that angry).

I know about people being messed up in the head, and you are going that way a little bit. Not the same way as your brother and mother. You needed to learn something most people never truely learn; how not to give a fuck about things. Your mother and brother certainly haven't.

You have two problem yourself that need to be addressed in different ways. Your fear of being screamed at needs help from someone trained in mental problems. The pain in your ear, on the other hand, is something you should see a doctor about. Ringing in your ear can be a symptom of hearing loss. Prolonged exposure to high levels of low frequency noises can cause it, expressly when a person is young.

(If this is the case, when your mother tellls you that you are too sensitive, tell her the doctors agree, and she is partly to blame.)

I'm pretty sure I'm already at "messed up" in some respects, so it wouldn't surprise me. I've already told my mom before I think I have hearing problems, but she doesn't believe me (or pulls out that "overly-sensitive" stuff again). My voice teacher has also discussed that with me, and there's not much I can do about it anyway, since it's not terribly bad. The biggest problems I have are the low frequency issue and not being able to tell how loud or soft my voice is. And that's probably a bit of my fault, too, since my childhood also consisted of loud TV sets and eventually blaring headphones during the last seven years or so. Aside from that, the yelling issue...yeah, I agree. I need to see someone about it, but I'd need my parents money. My parents' advice? Get over it.

It also sounds to me like your mother and brother have anger managment issues and yell to vent. My advise, keep the heck away from them.

Well, I can't do that. I still love them and always will. I have no doubt that either one is stressed (especially my mom), I just wish I could find some way to make them deal with it differently.

Thank you for your advice. :)
Last edited by Guest on February 19th, 2011, 3:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby Guest » February 19th, 2011, 3:56 am

When you don't "yell back", it makes it very easy for them to step all over you since they won't expect you to put up much resistance.

I personally think it'd be a good idea just to calmly and clearly tell them how you feel about this problem, and how it affects you.

And if they start screaming at you and won't accept that you're sick of this, you don't have to keep visiting them so often. It's unacceptable for anyone to focus all of their frustrations on one person who can't do anything about it or wasn't even involved with the specific problem, and they're definitely not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

EDIT: I-I do understand that it'd be tough to not visit them; I think it'd be healthier for all of you guys if they found a different way to vent out their frustrations, though. And if you aren't there during these times when they're looking for someone to rant to, they'll probably eventually have to find an alternative?
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby Guest » February 19th, 2011, 4:05 am

Erdgeist wrote:When you don't "yell back", it makes it very easy for them to step all over you since they won't expect you to put up much resistance.

I personally think it'd be a good idea just to calmly and clearly tell them how you feel about this problem, and how it affects you.


That makes a lot of sense...

I think I might try this...usually this only comes up while they're pissed, so it...doesn't exactly work out at all. And then I'm overly-sensitive again. I'm just kind of worried they won't talk to me afterwards, I guess, because that's what I used to do. For instance, my mom used to be completely stressed almost 24/7 to the point I didn't think she liked me at all until I was 17 because every time I tried to talk to her, she'd sigh like I was bugging her and ask, "What do you want?" So I stopped trying to tell her stuff until I really, really needed something.

And if they start screaming at you and won't accept that you're sick of this, you don't have to keep visiting them. It's unacceptable for anyone to focus all of their frustrations on one person who can't do anything about it or wasn't even involved with the specific problem, and they're definitely not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.


Thank you. But I don't think I could ever do that. I've never been very far away from my family for very long, and to tell the truth, I'm not very social. I know I'll eventually have to get used to that, but right now the dorm is essentially a baby step.

EDIT: I-I do understand that it'd be tough to not visit them; I think it'd be healthier for all of you guys if they found a different way to vent out their frustrations, though. And if you aren't there during these times when they're looking for someone to rant to, they'll probably eventually have to find an alternative?

Yeah...I mostly visit one of my friends from Saturday til Sunday, too, now...it's much less stressful. But it makes my mom upset when she can't see me on weekends.

Thanks, you two! Now I think I can make a plan. :)
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby Guest » February 19th, 2011, 4:17 am

M-Maybe bring it up when they're in a relatively normal mood? It sounds like it'd be easier to inform your mom alone first instead of in your brother's presence.
I think it'd be good to try and talk to your mom more, too, despite how she makes it seem like she's bugging you. Chances are that she'll open up to you more and you'll both feel more comfortable around each other the more you talk to each other. (and the fact that she gets upset when she doesn't see you on weekends may show she actually does want to talk to you!)

I really hope things'll work out between you and the family! Good luck! ★
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby YakkitySax » February 19th, 2011, 10:53 am

Okay, so I've learned this technique on the job and honestly it USUALLY works on everyone and not in just a security setting.

When they start yelling at you, just repeat over and over, in a very low and calm voice "If you'll stop yelling" or "lower your voice" they (usually) will calm down and lower theirs. It's hard for them to yell at you when you refuse to be part of a conversation until they calm down. It takes practice not to show emotion or be upset when they're yelling, I know, but people in general will naturally lower their voice with yours after just a few times saying that.

Once their voice is lowered you can talk to them.

Try avoiding the word "you" when your telling them what you feel is wrong. It's really odd, I know, but the word "you" puts the blame on them and gets them all defensive again, since they seem to like to yell. It's an active listening technique that's used when you criticize someone and it tends to work. People like to either be superior or on the same level as you naturally, but once you put the blame specifically on them with the word "you" that puts them at a level lower than you and automatically puts them in a more defensive mode.

So an example:

"I really hate when you yell at me."

"All this yelling is really upsetting me."

You're saying the EXACT same thing, only instead you are putting the problem on yourself in the second sentence. When you do get a chance to talk to them calmly about the problem, avoid putting any blame on them as much as possible to avoid them beginning to yell again. They also can't turn the problem back around onto you; you've already done that for them.

Acknowledge whatever they're upset about first once they talk. It shows that you're listening to their problem as well.

"You're a waste of my gas."
"I understand that you don't have much money for gas and I appreciate being picked up, but I don't have another way home."

Trying to talk to them like that obviously won't work when they're upset and won't work for EVERYTHING, but it's something to practice for when you ARE able to have a conversation with them. It shows that you're listening to how they feel, which makes them far more willing to listen to what you have to say and possibly come to a nice middle ground with each other to discuss the problems.

It's a pretty typical situation in families for them to put their frustration all on one person and it sucks, it really does, but hopefully with a little bit of work you might be able to at least lessen it to where you can feel more comfortable. You can't change people, since you have a very obviously stressed and frustrated family, they have to change themselves.. however you CAN alter or deflect someone's mood with some practice and effort on your part.

They may or may not continue to think you're over sensitive, since working with family is definitely a little trickier than working with a complete stranger. I actually use this on my mom all the time, whether she knows it or not. She usually calms down after a few minutes so I can talk to her calmly about whatever problem she's having.
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby Guest » February 19th, 2011, 3:32 pm

I'll try that, Yakkity Sax, thank you. :)


EDIT:

My mom walked in while I was typing, so I started talking to her. She didn't get upset and apologized for the night before. She told me she would talk to my brother tonight (I won't be home), and they will try to remember not to yell. She also finally listened to me about my hearing, and we're going to get it checked soon. Thanks, everybody! ^^
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby YakkitySax » February 19th, 2011, 3:36 pm

Yay~! Glad to hear it.
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Re: I'm Sick of It.

Postby tsubasa-myuu » February 26th, 2011, 3:24 pm

Glad it's going to work out.

Just to let you know, you're not the only one who's afraid of people yelling at you. I get super stressed when i get yelled at and break down crying too. I got picked on all the time as a kid for being a crybaby, and my parents yell at me more for it.

I guess i'm just glad to hear there's someone else out there who doesn't like to be yelled at either, it makes me feel a bit better that i'm not alone ^^
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