I don't know what to do anymore :<

A board designated for discussion of personal issues.
Forum rules
Due to the often sensitive nature of the discussions occurring in Life Issues, we ask that you be particularly considerate and respectful toward posters here. Violation of this request will be considered a violation of the rules.

I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby MemaiShirosaki » March 30th, 2011, 2:00 pm

.___.;;;

Hi Smackjeeves ;; You've probably seen me derping around the forums.

I have a bit of a relationship problem, and I don't know what to do ;; You guys seem to have some good advice handy, I could honestly use a little bit of that right now (and maybe a few hugs).

So me and my boyfriend had... I don't know, would you even call it a fight? We had a disagreement, I suppose. I don't know, I won't bore you guys with details because it was -that- trivial. But ever since a couple days ago, my boyfriend had been giving me the cold shoulder treatment. He normally does this whenever he's upset at just about anything and usually just shuts himself away for a couple of hours, normally, after that, he's back to his old self again. He's never actually avoided/ignored me for this long before :<

I tried reaching out to him, like hanging out at his place, inviting him to take his mind off assignments, tried talking to him. So far, he seemed pretty blank/disinterested at whatever I did; he wouldn't respond to me whenever I talked to him and whenever I asked if he'd like to eat or go out, he'd just shrug his shoulders and turn away. I'm close to his sister and younger brother, when I asked them if anything happened recently, they said they didn't know since my boyfriend isn't the chatty type.

I... I don't know what to do. Some friends of mine suggested to let him have his space for a while longer, and that if he wants to talk or open up he'd come to me. Easier said than done :< It's hard to do because the person who I -want- to be with doesn't even want to -talk- to me in complete sentences. I'm sorry if this comes off as completely whiny, needy and clingy ;; I've been holding onto these feelings ever since it started, so I'm just letting it all gush out here onto the forums ;;

TL;DR
Boyfriend and I had a disagreement on something small, boyfriend has now been ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder treatment for 2 days straight. I feel upset and angry, and I don't know what to do. Halp?

Advice? ;;

(also, thank you for hearing me out ♥ You guys are awesome!)
Image
User avatar
MemaiShirosaki
 
Posts: 640
Joined: October 22nd, 2010, 11:13 am
Location: under your bed

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby Gibson Twist » March 30th, 2011, 2:43 pm

First question...do you live together?

Second question...how often does this happen, or is it the first time? If it's the first time, then leave him be, respect his space and just let him know you're there when/if he needs you. Making it a big deal might make it a bigger deal for no reason. If it happens often, that's complicated. It's still probably the best advice, if he needs space then give it to him, but if it's a pattern, then there might be more to it.

Everyone has something about them that makes them infuriating to their partner. I do, you do,my wife does, everyone does. This might just be his. What you need to decide is whether the sum total of the things about him that you don't like are greater or less than what attracts you to him in the first place. Is this kind of behaviour a deal-breaker for you, meaning can you live with it because you get so much more out of the relationship, or is it something that poisons the way you feel around him and about him.

It's entirely possible this isn't a good match, it's possible he's just a giant moody arse, and it's entirely possible this is something that bothers you now and you won't even think about tomorrow. Knowing very little about your situation, no one can know that for sure but you, and chances are good the way you're reacting to reading this is as big an indicator as you'll need to know which is which.

If you think it's something that is going to ruin the relationship, though, you should let him know that. If he's willing to work on it, awesome, but if he isn't, don't waste your time being miserable. Those boots are made for walking.
User avatar
Gibson Twist
 
Posts: 1739
Joined: August 13th, 2006, 9:38 pm
Location: Lost

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby MemaiShirosaki » March 30th, 2011, 3:12 pm

No, we don't live together, but we do live close by so we see each other practically everyday.

This isn't the first time that this happened; normally he'd go off and sulk somewhere else for a couple of hours, then he'd come around and be more sociable and friendly. I don't mind giving him his space, I know people deal with problems differently. So I guess you could call it a pattern, though I'm not sure if there's more to it other than him generally being very reserved about talking his problems out. But he's never ever given me the silent treatment for this long, which bothers me, because if it's something -I- did or said, I'd like to know -what- and -why-.

Today when we got home from classes I went over and tried to talk it out with him; I asked him if he'd like to go out with me for dinner, he shrugged and ignored me the whole day. I tried inviting him out to hang out at a friend's place and we could just take our minds off stressful projects, not even a peep from him. I'm very close to his sister and asked if anything he had been arguing with his brothers again (the last few times where he was keeping silent was because of these arguments), she said that nothing happened between them and they seemed just fine when she was with them. So I can't help but suspect it was something I did if he's being normal with his family.

I really do love him and care about him loads, he's a really awesome guy and I'm glad that someone so intelligent and articulate wanted to even consider a relationship with ditzy ol' me. I just hate the way he treats problems :< Though it's really something I don't want to lose him over, we're all entitled to bouts of anger, right? I'll try and see if he's willing to talk tomorrow, maybe he might feel a little bit better and I can work something out with him.

Thank you for listening and writing a seriously awesome post ;;

If anyone else has any little nuggets of wisdom on how the male psyche works, PLEASE leave a note ;;
Image
User avatar
MemaiShirosaki
 
Posts: 640
Joined: October 22nd, 2010, 11:13 am
Location: under your bed

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby Gibson Twist » March 30th, 2011, 3:24 pm

In that case, I would give him his space for now, and when he's over it and talking to you again, and things are comfortable, I'd bring it up as gently as possible. Let him know how you feel and how it bothers you, and hopefully talk about it calmly and openly to find some kind of middle-ground agreement.
User avatar
Gibson Twist
 
Posts: 1739
Joined: August 13th, 2006, 9:38 pm
Location: Lost

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby YakkitySax » March 30th, 2011, 4:15 pm

I would repeat Gibson and say the same; give him some space.

Also, the trivial argument you had? Perhaps it wasn't so trivial to him. I'm not sure what you had a disagreement about, since you didn't say, but sometimes what seems silly or unimportant to you, may mean the world to another person.
I love you, spam bots.
jan83fry wrote:It's my pleasure to get an opportunity to discuss in this reputed forum. I love seeing people thrive online. It's such a great opportunity I have today.

My Sketchbook
User avatar
YakkitySax
 
Posts: 2236
Joined: November 3rd, 2010, 1:47 pm
Location: IT'S GON' RAIN

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby Gibson Twist » March 30th, 2011, 4:46 pm

YakkitySax wrote:Also, the trivial argument you had? Perhaps it wasn't so trivial to him.


Good point.
User avatar
Gibson Twist
 
Posts: 1739
Joined: August 13th, 2006, 9:38 pm
Location: Lost

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby blankd » March 30th, 2011, 5:30 pm

Have you tried telling him directly about this situation? (Disclaimer, best phrasing may vary) But if his solution to the problem is to "ignore" it you may want to talk to him directly so that your efforts to get him talking again don't go to waste. I don't know him well enough, but directly saying "I want to get over this so we can be on speaking terms again" could be more beneficial than letting it slide. If he's the awesomesauce you describe him as, he should be willing to negotiate, and at all costs you should REFRAIN from accidentally getting into an argument. A little time away to "cool off" I can understand, but days for it is a bit drastic.

Try to talk things out in the future, it's better to try and talk things out rather than just seethe away from each other, the human mind is GREAT at conjuring up more negativity in the absence of the other party.

And uh, on the side, I know its a nigh impossible task, but try to avoid getting into arguments.

Other than that, best of luck.
SuperBiasedMan wrote:Just because you've proven something blankd doesn't mean I have to believe it.

Image Image
User avatar
blankd
 
Posts: 3684
Joined: January 28th, 2010, 12:43 am
Location: computer

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby MemaiShirosaki » March 30th, 2011, 11:31 pm

Thanks guys ;;

Yakkity >> Maybe, you have a point. He has such an extensive list of pet peeves I probably pushed one of his buttons.

blankd >> I'm usually chasing after him when he gets like this :< I prefer talking problems out and trying to settle it as soon as I can, but it's hard to do with someone who's content with ignoring you. His siblings usually just end up yelling at him and I know that won't do any good if I start doing it too. Still, I try to be patient.

Well, I managed to talk to him earlier, and while he's responsive he seems pretty brain dead >__> He won't tell me what's wrong and he's being vague about everything. I asked him if he was going out later today because he installed his sister's GPS in his car, he just said, "I have to go somewhere later." He wouldn't elaborate. I asked if it had to do with school and he just said, "Maybe." I then flat out asked him if anything was wrong because his silence was beginning to worry me, all he said was, "meh." I asked for a kiss like I usually do when he dropped me off at my apartment, he left before I even finished the sentence.

:\

Not a promising development.

asdjkajdklsa
Image
User avatar
MemaiShirosaki
 
Posts: 640
Joined: October 22nd, 2010, 11:13 am
Location: under your bed

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby blankd » March 31st, 2011, 12:16 am

Confront him about his passive-aggressiveness. Shutting himself off like that is no excuse, explain that to him as best you can, and don't give up just because he turns away, do your best to keep within range of talking to him.

Still I know that talking to someone and getting nowhere can be frustrating, and while it may sound petty it could do some good to "when he returns to normal" to really talk it over with him. If he does this indefinitely, it'd be better to break it off if it's causing you emotional duress.
SuperBiasedMan wrote:Just because you've proven something blankd doesn't mean I have to believe it.

Image Image
User avatar
blankd
 
Posts: 3684
Joined: January 28th, 2010, 12:43 am
Location: computer

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby Snuffan » March 31st, 2011, 1:43 am

If he's that stubborn to ignore you, you should just ignore him back. HAHA, worst advice ever, Iknorite? No but seriously. There's nothing you can do. He doesn't want to talk about it. Some people are like that, that if they feel that they need to be alone/doesn't wanna talk, then trying to talk to them makes them MORE decided not to talk. Try avoiding him a bit. Like, let him know that you're there and stuff, but don't chase after him or anything. Give him space, and when he wants to talk, don't remind him of this thing again. Just let it be for a while and take it up when you're both comfortable again.

He might be just ignoring you to punish you (that is bad though). Though he might also be ignoring you so you'll chase after him, that he wants to get your attention. If you DON'T give to him, he might just chase after you instead. I have no idea how this works, but it kinda always does. Either way, he probably needs space. You don't have to ignore him 100%, but there's a difference between being there for him and being up in his face.
User avatar
Snuffan
 
Posts: 2904
Joined: August 23rd, 2007, 11:55 am
Location: The Lands of Always Winter

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby darkenergy » March 31st, 2011, 1:53 am

:(

It sounds like you need to find someone who's on the same emotional level as you. Whether he's trying to be passive aggressively pushing you into something or is just somewhat childish...wait a few days, and if he doesn't make a move, start reconsidering?
Image
User avatar
darkenergy
 
Posts: 803
Joined: May 29th, 2010, 10:44 pm
Location: An oft-frozen Hell.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby avian-reader » March 31st, 2011, 1:57 am

Sounds like what my dad does.

He isn't a social person, but he'll force himself to be around my mum when he doesn't feel up to it, and then the slightest thing will make him stop talking to her for several weeks at a time, which gives him time to wind down again. The problem is this upsets my mum every time, because it makes it seem like her fault. If your boyfriend is like my dad, it might be best to let him wind down, and then let him know that he doesn't need to be around people 24/7 if he doesn't feel up to it. It seems to have helped with my dad.

Then again, it could just as likely be something completely different, it just sounds vaguely familiar.
Got questions about autism? Feel free to ask :)
User avatar
avian-reader
 
Posts: 2440
Joined: October 8th, 2008, 4:48 pm
Location: UK

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby MemaiShirosaki » March 31st, 2011, 6:12 am

Thank you for all the advice guys ;___;

I managed to talk to him today in between classes, I didn't want this to drag on any longer than it had to, so I spoke firmly to him. I told him that I'm upset that he's been giving me the cold shoulder for these past two days and that it hurt me a lot that he was willing to avoid me at all costs during that time. I told him that if he wanted to work things out, I'm willing to listen and resolve whatever problems he has/had with me, but if he wants his space to give himself time to think, he should say something instead of just assuming I know everything.

He let up, he said that it had nothing to do with us and that it was something else that was bothering him. I pressed on and asked what and all I could piece together was that it's probably one of the major projects he's doing for the semester. I didn't want to press too hard but I asked if he was willing to talk about it, and then he returned to being non-responsive.

I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I feel ;____; He has days where he can go without talking to me (but he'll do all the other physical things like holding hands, hugs, etc.) so this isn't so much of a problem, but this is a problem bad enough to make him shut down. Argh ;____; Men, y u so difficult and complicated?

avian-reader: My boyfriend is alright around people, he has his own fair share of friends and when pushed into a social situation he's more than happy to oblige. He just isn't very chatty, is all.
Image
User avatar
MemaiShirosaki
 
Posts: 640
Joined: October 22nd, 2010, 11:13 am
Location: under your bed

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby Gibson Twist » March 31st, 2011, 8:56 am

MemaiShirosaki wrote:He let up, he said that it had nothing to do with us and that it was something else that was bothering him. I pressed on and asked what and all I could piece together was that it's probably one of the major projects he's doing for the semester. I didn't want to press too hard but I asked if he was willing to talk about it, and then he returned to being non-responsive.


Speaking as a man, this is grade A bullshit right here. If it has nothing to do with you, he shouldn't be taking it out on you, not even peripherally, and you really shouldn't take it. I mean, I'm just saying, I call bullshit.
User avatar
Gibson Twist
 
Posts: 1739
Joined: August 13th, 2006, 9:38 pm
Location: Lost

Re: I don't know what to do anymore :<

Postby MemaiShirosaki » March 31st, 2011, 10:35 am

Gibson Twist wrote:
MemaiShirosaki wrote:He let up, he said that it had nothing to do with us and that it was something else that was bothering him. I pressed on and asked what and all I could piece together was that it's probably one of the major projects he's doing for the semester. I didn't want to press too hard but I asked if he was willing to talk about it, and then he returned to being non-responsive.


Speaking as a man, this is grade A bullshit right here. If it has nothing to do with you, he shouldn't be taking it out on you, not even peripherally, and you really shouldn't take it. I mean, I'm just saying, I call bullshit.


I hope it's the opposite ;;___;; He seems more responsive now and is slowly warming up. I'll try and see what's really eating him.
Image
User avatar
MemaiShirosaki
 
Posts: 640
Joined: October 22nd, 2010, 11:13 am
Location: under your bed

Next

Return to Life Issues

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 11 guests