Parents for Roommates

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Parents for Roommates

Postby Ddraigeneth » April 26th, 2011, 5:45 pm

I usually bottle up my frustration, which is quite possibly the reason my hernia seems to be coming back. I need to get this out, even if it's only to you guys.

My fiancé and I moved into our current apartment in October, 2008. April/May 2009, his dad (Tim) came to visit us, with the plan that he'd stay for a couple of weeks before finding his own place in the area. During those 2 weeks, he started having severe chest pains and we had to call 911 (it'd been 10 years since his first heart attack, he has severe heart disease and takes nearly a dozen various medications daily). He's still staying with us.

He's been in the hospital a couple of times since then, once for chest pain and once for shingles. For the most part, he functions well enough on a day-to-day basis. He makes most of his own meals, since he's on a restricted diet. He takes the bus to the store/bank/doctor's office. He's tired a lot, but insists that when he does move out on his own again, he doesn't want to go to any sort of retirement community.


I'm just getting so tired of having him around. He creates more of a mess when he makes food than I would have thought possible, and I'm a sloppy cook. He never wipes up, so every time I go to use the stove I have to clean off layers of grease and seasonings. "Rinsing" his dishes means that not only do they still have food and grease in them, but there's now crud all over the rest of the dishes, along with the sponge. I've talked to him multiple times about this, but either he forgets or he doesn't have the energy (but won't ask for help). I've had to throw away multiple dishes because he burnt the grease into them to the point that they wouldn't come clean (the only reason my baking pans are still usable is because I usually line them with foil).

We finally got him to stop watching movies/concerts with strong strobe lights when we're in the living room (gives both me and my fiancé bad headaches). He wears headphones when he's watching things, but the volume is usually turned up so loud that we can still hear everything perfectly (more than twice the volume I put it at, when I'm blasting music, and his hearing isn't that bad). Even when he's watching movies, he can barely ever sit in the living room for more than half an hour without falling asleep. He snores...so...loud.


Unfortunately, we're financially dependent on him at the moment. As soon as my fiancé and I both have full-time jobs, we'll be finding a new apartment for just the two of us. That's going to be at least a couple of months away, however.

I'm just getting so damned frustrated. I find myself blaming Tim for things even when I know they're not his fault. His cheesy jokes used to be cute, now I'm just begging him to go away in my head. Obviously, having his dad living with us makes things a little awkward when my fiancé and I want to be intimate. I don't want to be so angry with Tim, but it's just getting more and more difficult as time goes by. He's a sweet guy, but having him as a roommate is more than I can handle.


If anyone has any advice/thoughts, it's more than welcome. Otherwise, thanks for letting me rant.
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Re: Parents for Roommates

Postby mossi-mo » April 26th, 2011, 6:54 pm

My parents were in a similar situation when my grandmother came down for breast surgery and decided to stay past her recovery time. It was understandable because she had checkups and lives on her own far out in the country, but they definitely felt the wear on their nerves. The way that they kept their resentment at bay was to actually get out of the house together alone. I understand that They went on more dates and also hung out with their friends. If you don't have money for dates, just walking together in a park can be a good break. After that you should be more rested.
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Re: Parents for Roommates

Postby Ddraigeneth » April 26th, 2011, 7:34 pm

We do, and it's not as if I'm continually pent up with anger--every now and then he'll just do something that really sets me off.

Example: The other night, we were eating dinner and watching a show. My fiancé gets up to rinse one thing out really quickly, so I pause. While he's in there, Tim walks in, sets a crusted pan he'd just made fish chowder in on the counter, and says "It'll be better if you wash that out now." We've told him on numerous occasions that if he doesn't have the energy to wash something out, he should just ask one of us. But there was no question, no please or thank you, just interrupting to tell us to wash it out. =/

And singing to the cat. Constantly. Generally the same 1-2 line songs, repeated, every day. Sigh.
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Re: Parents for Roommates

Postby corruption » April 27th, 2011, 5:15 am

If he is like that with you there, how would he be with you two gone? Here is an idea; take a vacation away from home when you have achance, and let him have to deal with the mess on his own. It may get him to realize he has to take care of things. However, it may backfire if he just lets the dirty dishes pile up.

Who holds the lease on the apartment? I am guessing you and you'r fiancé . If you two are the ones paying the rent, then he may try to follow you to the new apartment. There is also another matter. If you two leave, will he be allowed to stay at the apartment? They may refuse to lease the apartment to him. The question that needs to be asked is why he did not find a place of his own? Was it because he could freeload there, with you acting like a live in maid, and never bothered to leave?

Since it was your place, make sure the paperwork is all in order, otherwise you may be stuck paying for any damage Tim does to the place, like starting a fire due to having greasy pans n the stove. Come to think of it, with the heart attacks he may actually need a carer when you go. Look into it

When you do move out, make sure Tim knows he can stay at the old place, but is not to stay at yours.If he has other family, ask him why he doesn't visit them for a bit, but warn them so they can prepare.

You need to set clear boundries with people who are staying with you to help avoid problems


I myself may have to move back into my mother's place. Into a garage converted into a grannyflat. Seems I'm earning a bit too much to stay in a Department of Houseing bedsitter, but not enough to get my own place. (A$32.31 too much a week.)

Going back I know what will be expected of me when it comesto rent, food, bills, and any work that needs doing there.
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Re: Parents for Roommates

Postby Rori » April 27th, 2011, 11:06 am

Ddraigeneth wrote:Unfortunately, we're financially dependent on him at the moment.


How dependent are you on him? If you're just relying on his share of the expenses, that's one thing, but if he's footing the bill, I hate to say it, but you should be thankful, not resentful. There are no living situations where people don't get on each other's nerves, and it's natural to be annoyed by some things, but if he's paying your way, you should be more forgiving.

By the way, what kind of restricted diet lets you eat a lot of greasy food?
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Re: Parents for Roommates

Postby Ddraigeneth » April 27th, 2011, 7:07 pm

His doctor said his diet could be a bit more lenient, since he somehow managed to lose some weight and get his cholesterol under control. He never followed the diet that well to begin with, but he does try to focus on a lot of fish and vegetables...usually cooked in olive oil.

We were splitting the finances evenly since he moved in, and it would've been tough without him, though not impossible. As of May, we're losing a $750 a month income that we've had, so he'll have to pay the entire rent until one of us can find something stable. I am grateful that he's able to keep us in the apartment for the time being, though my family is in the area, so I'm not about to go homeless.

His family is all on the east coast, and he can't stand most of them. We've talked about the possibility of him at least moving into a retirement community, where there's help nearby if he needs it (he's the one who first mentioned it), but last time we talked about it, he'd decided not to. I think he's just afraid of getting stuck in a situation where he feels even more old and tired than usual (he's only 52).


We've made it very clear at this point (I hope) that the next apartment we find will only be for me and my fiancé. Tim's latest thought was that he could rent one of the studios in the complex we're already in (which would be convenient enough to check in on him, since we're looking at moving across the street).
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Re: Parents for Roommates

Postby stripedwine » April 28th, 2011, 9:45 am

Honestly, you just need to buck up and power through it. It's no use taking out your frustrations on him, as it'll only strain your relationship (he's going to be your father-in-law after all). Coming from someone who's had to live with a mindless idiot slob for the past 9 months, that's all you can do. You really need to figure out ways of relieving your stress, though. Because honestly, if it's not him stressing you out in your life, it's going to be something else, and all the ranting and raving in the world won't solve a thing, and ultimately won't make you feel much better.

Get out of the house more often and do relaxing things outside or elsewhere. Yoga/meditation classes have helped me in the past immensely (both with my mental and physical health); I'd have been doing them this whole time if I had the money for it. But really, this is something that you need to figure out how to deal with. Seeing his as the source of all your problems isn't healthy either way, and just reinforces the subconscious notion that you aren't responsible for anything that you're feeling-- if you could just get rid of him, your life would be better. That's not how it works.

Good luck.
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Re: Parents for Roommates

Postby Ddraigeneth » May 12th, 2011, 8:25 pm

So, I'm soaking all of our sharp knives (most of which were used by Tim, and have food crusted to them) in the left side of the sink. Now, the drain plug isn't a perfect fit, so the water leaks out slowly. It probably wasn't clear by this point that I was soaking them. But, rather than move them out of the way or even nudge them to the side (which would've made it obvious that the drain was stoppered), he rinses out his pan of grease right over the top of them. Thanks, Tim. And our hot water ran out before I could even finish cleaning them (that's just the crappy apartment's fault).


To top it off, my fiancé was complaining the other day about how he can never find anything in the kitchen. Tim's response, and I quote, "Well yeah, that's because I never put anything away in the same place twice. This kitchen's just too small." I looked straight at him and said, "No, it's not." Even with all of the space his special groceries take up, it's a pretty nicely-sized kitchen, and everything fits dandily with room to spare, if you actually bother stacking anything.


I talked to him about the greasy dishes, and got the same "Oh, okay, sorry," that I always do, which means he's already forgotten.


I am really, really, looking forward to that new apartment.
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