Dealing with clingy friend

A board designated for discussion of personal issues.
Forum rules
Due to the often sensitive nature of the discussions occurring in Life Issues, we ask that you be particularly considerate and respectful toward posters here. Violation of this request will be considered a violation of the rules.

Dealing with clingy friend

Postby Twinkiesama » October 9th, 2011, 4:56 pm

I usually do not talk about my personal life on forums or with hardly anyone else for that matter. However, I feel like I need to vent somehow.
I'm a college student who has about a twelve hour "work day" which includes the commute time, studying in the computer lab, and of course, going to class. With eight hours of sleep every night, I have only have four hours of the day left. Most of that is spent eating, showering, and exercising. With only one or two hours left before I have to go to bed, I try to spend it drawing or reading comics or looking at videos on Youtube. (I'm especially found of "Let's Play series.) Also, maybe I would try to get some extra studying done. Then, around 9 pm, my friend calls me. She insists on talking with me every night and would talk for up to three hours straight if I would let her. Therefore, I always have to tell her I need to go after about thirty minutes of conversation.
Even then, I think she still spends too much time talking to me. I should be spending my precious time studying or working on my comics, which I have become very frustrated with. Last Thursday, I had a mental breakdown at school and took out my anger on a couple of on-site counselors. I later calmed down and resumed the rest of my day.
I stated recently to my friend that I will be still willing to talk to her, but only once a week. Also, I'd set a time limit on how long I would be willing to talk to her.
I do not how this will work out. My friend recently moved to another town and is very lonely. Keep in mind, I'm still willing to be her friend, but I need to set my own boundaries and take care of myself. I believe I taken care of this problem on my own. What do you think?
Last edited by YakkitySax on October 9th, 2011, 11:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Took out the stated blatant comic ad. Just pop that baby in your signature
ImageCurrently on hiatus
Image With Terderrer
DeviantArt
User avatar
Twinkiesama
 
Posts: 117
Joined: September 2nd, 2011, 3:20 pm
Location: Hikkikomori Guinea Pig Hut Studio

Re: Dealing with clingy friend

Postby mitchellbravo » October 9th, 2011, 5:35 pm

Are you her only friend in the whole world?
oly: we draw stories about imaginary people
Image
Do not feet infants to honey under one year of age.
me: Posh, Baby, Sporty, and Scary Ham
robybang: Together they're Spiced Ham
User avatar
mitchellbravo
 
Posts: 6496
Joined: October 11th, 2010, 1:31 pm
Location: too tired

Re: Dealing with clingy friend

Postby SRQ » October 9th, 2011, 8:27 pm

My initial response to the title alone was : Lick them on the face. They will definitely back off. But then I actually read the thing, so here goes:

Sometimes you do need to be a little selfish, but she doesn't sound all that clingy if all she wants is to talk to you. The easiest solution I can suggest, is instead of talking on the phone normally, use a hands free set, put her on speaker phone or talk via skype with just audio. That way your hands and eyes are free to study/make comics.

Cutting down the amount of time you spend talking to an hour a night might be beneficial too, especially if your temper is running slim at the moment. That way you have only an hour to keep your temper, and be there for someone who sounds like she needs you right now.
Image

TyraWM wrote:I dunno what those numbers mean (of their from a video game or something) it looks like something that would be on the walls of serial killer or in a ransom note.
User avatar
SRQ
 
Posts: 163
Joined: September 3rd, 2010, 11:33 am

Re: Dealing with clingy friend

Postby mitchellbravo » October 9th, 2011, 8:43 pm

Just to add, the reason I said what I said in my other post was because, while you are her friend and it is nice if you are able to help her out, you are not obligated to do so. In order to stay sane and healthy, we often have to pay attention to our needs, which in your case is having some time to relax and be all to yourself. Especially if she's the sort of friend who has primarily negative things to say, which can be exhausting when you get done talking to them. Not saying that she is, but mentioning it anyway.

If she's having trouble talking to people in real life (well, she should learn how to do it, but that isn't a helpful thing to say), maybe you should encourage her to join up with some online forums. Is she going to school where she lives? She ought to try getting to know some classmates, sign up for extracurriculars so she can meet new people.

If you really are her only friend in the wide world, it's her job to fix that, not yours. You have enough to focus on right now. :)
oly: we draw stories about imaginary people
Image
Do not feet infants to honey under one year of age.
me: Posh, Baby, Sporty, and Scary Ham
robybang: Together they're Spiced Ham
User avatar
mitchellbravo
 
Posts: 6496
Joined: October 11th, 2010, 1:31 pm
Location: too tired

Re: Dealing with clingy friend

Postby mitchellbravo » October 21st, 2011, 8:14 pm

Remove the saran wrap from your skin.
oly: we draw stories about imaginary people
Image
Do not feet infants to honey under one year of age.
me: Posh, Baby, Sporty, and Scary Ham
robybang: Together they're Spiced Ham
User avatar
mitchellbravo
 
Posts: 6496
Joined: October 11th, 2010, 1:31 pm
Location: too tired

Re: Dealing with clingy friend

Postby Mitani » November 15th, 2011, 8:11 pm

I know a few clingy people and it does get too much to handle when it starts to seem that their life revolves around yours.

They become interested in every little detail and when they start getting things wrong and crossing boundaries that's when it gets hard to say back off.
But sometimes you do need to be selfish (as said before) and request some downtime from that friend.

If it seems that you are one of few people to talk to the person then maybe it will be worth encouraging them to go out more with you (to places you know you'll meet people) and encourage them to see others and not just you. A bigger social network may help their focus shift from you...

So... I do think you've handled things ok. Designating a time to meet is fine, but a time limit might not work out if you do get talking to this person.
Do think for yourself and encourage once a week, that way you can think of fun things to do, or just junk to do together so the time can be productive or fun, and so you don't dread seeing them.

Regular meetings will discourage constant naggings to see you again, and by the time you've caught up again you can say your peace and leave.

maybe... Just stick at it and be honest. Brutally so. People don't necessarily change, but they can see any errors in their ways given time and patience.
User avatar
Mitani
 
Posts: 52
Joined: October 3rd, 2007, 8:58 am

Re: Dealing with clingy friend

Postby mockingbirdflyaway » November 16th, 2011, 4:33 pm

Simple solution: Stop answering the phone when her number comes up on the call display couple times per week (2-3 times maybe). If she's one of those types who will call repeatedly, either turn the phone off or put it on the least annoying ring tone you have. Then get busy doing the stuff you want to do.

When she asks later why you didn't pick up, just say "Sorry, I was busy and couldn't talk".

If this fails, see other advice in this thread :)
What do you do when you come home to a marriage proposal from your best friend.... who happens to be the next in line to the throne?
Image
User avatar
mockingbirdflyaway
 
Posts: 68
Joined: October 30th, 2011, 6:16 am
Location: Vancouver

Re: Dealing with clingy friend

Postby kuroi_hitsuji » November 17th, 2011, 6:44 am

Sometimes friends get clingy, you're a good friend to first off acknowledge that she's lonely and has reasons.

I think you dealt with it fine...maybe one way to help deal with it is to start using your conversations to talk about that.

I'm sure you talk about all sorts of things, but like romantic relationships, sometimes friendships need to include "the hard talk", where you talk about your friendship and what it means.

I suggest you tell her your situation, and then ask her to tell you about how she feels about it too.

Make sure she knows you will listen to her completely during this talk. Set aside that one day so you can sort this out, at least.

If she's lonely, then talking to her now and then is good....Maybe she's too timid and thinks she needs only you? but encourage her to make friends too....or maybe she's having problems making friends? Talk to her about how YOU make friends, give her suggestions on how to be more social. Maybe she has problems and wants you to distract her? Suggest a hobby, one that can help with a little interaction.

You're doing the right thing, I'm just giving a suggestion to help settle the matter next time you talk to her.

Hard talks are hard, duh...it's kinda weird to talk about friendships like it's a romantic relationship...but right now, it sounds almost like a clingy girlfriend doesn't it? and a good boyfriend would try talk it out with her...it's embarrassing, and uncomfortable sometimes, but necessary.
Image
Image
User avatar
kuroi_hitsuji
 
Posts: 181
Joined: March 27th, 2008, 2:40 am


Return to Life Issues

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests