Isolation

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Isolation

Postby tsubasa-myuu » February 26th, 2011, 3:37 pm

I'm just getting this out, before i fall apart.

I'm in highschool, which is supposed to be the good years, right?
Well, I never go anywhere, weekdays or weekends.
No one ever invites me anywhere.
The people that are supposed to be my "friends" never text me, call me, talk to me on msn even when they're on, tell me what's going on in their lives, nothing.
I'm so out of the loop its not even funny.
I try to talk to them, i say hi, ask whats up, and i always get "oh, hey." and "just stuff's going on" and thats about it.
I spend almost all my time on the computer, and have more in-depth conversations with people on the internet than i have with my real life friends.
I look forward to going home after school so i can get my daily hour of drawing in, by myself, with my headphones on. Not to talk to my friends online, or check my facebook, or whatever.
I spend more time over at my aunt's babysitting than i do with friends. And i only babysit about once a month or so.
I'm not super crazy, i promise. I actually put in the effort to watch myself, i'm not super annoying, or a huge jerk. There are plently of people i talk to in school, but they're just people i know, not really good friends.

I've been crying a lot more lately, especially at night. I don't know if because of all this of something else, all i know is that i can't stop. I honestly don't know how to handle the situation. I want to talk to my friends, but i don't know what to say.
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Re: Isolation

Postby phoenixgem » February 26th, 2011, 5:04 pm

Hey, I don't really reply much to life issue things (so feel free to disregard this) but I thought I should because I've been in this situation a few times before (and find myself slipping into it again, but that's another story and not important right now)

First off I'd like to say your not alone in this, there are alot of people that get this, in my experiance in most every big friendship group theres always one or two that feel the way your feeling right now.
I don't know your friends so it's alitlle harder to give advice, but I think you should talk to them about what your feeling, they're your friends so thier supposed to listen and help, it's part of the job description. but I urge you to talk to the right friend about this. the one your closest to or is the kind of "advice giver" of the group the one who would most likey try to help. as to what to say make sure you get across that you feel isolated and upset at your current situation, and ask what they think you should do about it. don't name and shame though, ex. "why don't you guys invite me to anything anymore, I thought you were my friends!" but more like "I'd like to spend more time with you guys etc etc" you don't have to go as deep as telling them about you crying, and I wouldn't recommend it straight off the bat, but again that depends on the type of people your friends are.
You can also make plans yourself. Put yourself out there, invite your friends to things, star up conversation with them when their online, doesnt have to be much, just alite bit more than a "hi how are you" just talk about the school day, interesting things that happened. when they say "just stuff's going on" don't be discouraged, smile, and ask "what stuff" just stay open and see what happens.
show them that you do want and enjoy their company, and at the end of it they'll remember that they enjoy your company too.

but remember to still be yourself (I know it's corny but it's true) if you love babysitting and art keep doing it thats not really the problem at all here, sure be flexible with it, if a friend invites you out you can more your hour of art to another time easy, but you don't need to wipe it out and tell your friends about,maybe they love art, or kids! i don't know it's a conversation starter.

I hope this helps you alittle bit. I know that sometimes doing these things are hard, trust me, but somtimes you just gotta dive into things and see what you come out with.
I wish you well. hope everything turns out ok.
(sorry I typed abit of a wall here ^^;; if you wanna talk more feel free to PM me)
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Re: Isolation

Postby blankd » February 26th, 2011, 5:16 pm

Don't worry, it's not you. Everyone goes through a time where they aren't sure of their place, but you'll find it and you'll be happy.

High school is actually a place where it SEEMS like your long-time friends might be, but they aren't, it's in college that you find the people you really click with. Just keep being yourself and you'll find them very soon.

(And if you want someone to talk to now, you can always message me, time-zone permitting you can even IM me, it might seem like it defeats the purpose a little, but there is always someone willing to talk to you. :))
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Re: Isolation

Postby corruption » February 27th, 2011, 2:43 am

I had no friends growing up. I turned out fine. I mean if you ignore the fact I like to study things like sacrifical rites, how serial killers get away with killing so long, and other such things.

The point is, there are some things you have to think about. These may be hard to accept, but you should at least think about them.

If they are your friends, they will understand when you tell them you feel left out. They may think you are doing other things. However, there is another posibility I know you won't like. In large groups of friends, there are often those who are only loosely part of the group, and are more aquatence then friend. The group accepts them, as they don't want to tell them to go away, but are too loosely linked to be part of the group.

You mention you look forward to going home. They may think you don't want to be around them!

You also seem to be a bit shy, and I noticed on you post in "I'm Sick of It." that you have a problem with being afraid of being yelled at. People with fears like that often try to avoid attention and not cross people. You may be comming across as a wallflower that has to opinions of her own in their eyes.

For the problems mentioned in "I'm Sick of It", you need to get help. When that problem is addressed, you can deal better with this.

I also recommend try harder to be part of the group, and expressing your own opinions. See what common interests you have and work on that.
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Re: Isolation

Postby Sorrows Neptune » February 27th, 2011, 2:57 am

Oh wow, I'm experiencing the exact same problem, and was just about to start a thread about it.

...So uh, thanks for the advice guys.
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Re: Isolation

Postby stripedwine » February 27th, 2011, 1:20 pm

Just FYI, high school is NOT the good years. If you look back on them when you're middle-aged, sigh fondly to yourself and think about how they were the "good old days", then you've lived a miserable life.

Just worry about graduating. You'll meet new people, trust me. I went to a high school where going out with my friends on weekends was more or less impossible because they commuted from all over LA county-- some even had commutes of up to 2 hours each way. If these people don't have anything interesting to say or do, then they're probably just boring people and you'll forget about them as soon as you're done with HS anyways. Don't go out of your way to maintain a mediocre friendship if they're not particularly friendship-worthy folks. That's a good lesson to learn right now, because life is full or boring and crappy people outside of school. Don't waste your time with them and instead go out and find people that care about you and make life fun and exciting.
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Re: Isolation

Postby SuperBiasedMan » February 27th, 2011, 1:41 pm

stripedwine wrote:Just FYI, high school is NOT the good years. If you look back on them when you're middle-aged, sigh fondly to yourself and think about how they were the "good old days", then you've lived a miserable life.

Just worry about graduating. You'll meet new people, trust me. I went to a high school where going out with my friends on weekends was more or less impossible because they commuted from all over LA county-- some even had commutes of up to 2 hours each way. If these people don't have anything interesting to say or do, then they're probably just boring people and you'll forget about them as soon as you're done with HS anyways. Don't go out of your way to maintain a mediocre friendship if they're not particularly friendship-worthy folks. That's a good lesson to learn right now, because life is full or boring and crappy people outside of school. Don't waste your time with them and instead go out and find people that care about you and make life fun and exciting.


Perhaps a little extreme, but I agree.
If they're not really making an effort and you're doing the same then unless you want to be better friends with them (them, not just somebody) there isn't really a problem in the group dynamic as such.
I can't comment much on the feeling of isolation as it's something I still have, even with a large group of friends I see regularly (varying ones in varying places etc.). I just don't feel particularly connected to any of them.
So you are by no means alone in this sentiment, it's a surprisingly common feeling.

I try to talk to them, i say hi, ask whats up, and i always get "oh, hey." and "just stuff's going on" and thats about it.


This sounds pretty typical of teenage conversation to me. I would'v-I STILL say the same thing regardless of what I'm thinking. I could count the number of people I discuss my problems with on one hand, and I usually only tell one of them about any given problem then never mention it to the others.

I had a friend once tell me in secondary school (high school) that he couldn't get english homework done because the night before his mother had walked out on the family. He didn't know what to think, how long she'd be gone or if she'd ever come back.
My answer was to tell him that our english teacher would still expect the work to be done.
Do you know why? Because I had NO idea how to react to that. As teenagers, we're idiots. We don't know what we're doing, and this is only a little less true as we get older.
There could just easily be other people in your group who feel the same way you do, but for obvious reasons don't bring it up or show it in any way.

I'll make one last point though. Getting to know someone on the internet is not massively different to knowing them in real life. The main difference is just that you can't see them (assuming you don't video chat of course). General society looks down on the idea, but it's no less of a relationship to be friends with a person on msn than in real life.
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Re: Isolation

Postby Reigan » February 27th, 2011, 1:56 pm

I have a lot of the same problems, except it isn't that my friends don't invite me anywhere, they're just anti-social, like me.

I haven't been outside (besides walking home from school everyday, which takes about 20 minutes) in about a couple of months, I can't remember. I don't mind it, actually, because I prefer to be alone, and I'm perfectly fine with it.
Though it's hard at school when I'm pretty much forced to socialize. This isn't a problem with my friends, but with others I tend to have a temper, and I sometimes hit people across the head when I'm really mad (that sounds so much worse in text...).
I haven't used MSN, Facebook, ect. on a regular basis in about a year (I'll sometimes check FB when I'm really bored, though) so I don't really converse with anyone while on the internet all day, either.

Spoiler! :
Apparently, my friends boyfriend had died a couple of months ago, and nobody had told me (only two out of six had known). So when it had been brought up, I had thought she was joking. When somebody asked for details, I went on about how he got ran over with a steamroller, even to the point where I compared it to a tube of toothpaste.
When I found out she actually had a boyfriend, I was apologizing for the next twenty minutes, but all my friend did was laugh and say that the relationship hadn't been that serious in the first place. Even so, I still feel horrible.


So yeah, I know how it feels to be "out of the loop".

But I just stop for a moment, and think "if it doesn't concern me, I don't care". I know this may sound heartless, but it does help a lot in some situations. I figure that if my friend had wanted me to know that her boyfriend had died, she would've told me. When she hadn't, she must not have wanted me to know, and that's her business. I used to be such a nosy kid, so it took me a long while to get that attitude.
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Re: Isolation

Postby tsubasa-myuu » February 27th, 2011, 5:49 pm

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it. Of course it also makes me look forward to college XD

I guess the problem is i've known many of these people since 3rd- 6th grade, and i've shared so much with them, i don't really want to let that go. I'm going to try to work it out, but i think it might be too late for that...

I suppose what really got to me was that one good friend of mine had a fight with another good friend of mine, and i had no idea. One of them i've known since 3rd grade, we live in the same neighborhood, we ride the same bus, I sit next to her on the bus everyday, and yet somehow we never talk much. She never said anything about it, and I ended up hearing it from one friend i acually talk to who's lived here for a year. I was just... kinda hurt really. I talked to her on msn, and said she seemed down lately, and told her she could always talk to me, and thats about it. I don't even know anymore....
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Re: Isolation

Postby Selidor » February 27th, 2011, 7:02 pm

High school is definitely not the good days. In fact, for me it was the worst four years of my life.

Growing apart from friends and realising that you never talk any more is a natural, if rather painful thing that happens to everyone at one point or other. Some people it probably happens to more than others. It certainly happens to me a lot - I suffer from social anxiety and self-esteem issues and find it very difficult to maintain friendships with people because I find it hard to enjoy social events that others do and difficult to be forward towards people, so I tend to come off as cold and uninterested even when that's anything but the case. My friends never invite me anywhere now, and I have too much pride to ask them if they're going anywhere. I only hang out with them when we go and grab lunch between classes or go somewhere straight after classes end. I can never tell if it's boring to invite me out because I don't drink, or whether they assume I don't like hanging out with people while they're drunk (despite assuring them on plenty of occasions that this isn't the case, they never seem to take my word for it).

Some friendships are worth saving, others you just have to let go. It's often really difficult to work out which is which, and it's going to cause some hurt and disappointment somewhere along the lines. If you have nothing in common with your friends any more, it's generally better to drift apart amicably. It's lonely for now, but stick it out and you'll find people you get along better with, whose interests you share. If you've still got a long wait before going to college, see if there are any clubs or groups in your local area that cater to your interests, or a hobby you've been thinking of picking up.
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Re: Isolation

Postby YakkitySax » February 28th, 2011, 1:29 am

I went in and out of friendships a LOT during my school days. Just over the summer we would separate or whatever. It's actually more common than you think. Pretty much all of them I haven't talked to a wink since 2006 when I graduated, others I have.

In fact I'm one of those rare cases in which I've been friends, you know ones that still hang out and chat on the phone, with this girl for 18 years. She's going to be flying out to visit me this late Spring. However again, that's extremely rare. If you really want to do something with them, start making some sort of meaningful effort to do so. I know friendship is a two way street, but if you weren't showing any effort, they probably wont. If you're showing effort and they aren't, then I think the friendship means more to you than it does to them. It's not that they don't like you, so don't take it personally.

Also when you go to college, you'll definitely make some awesome friends and memories. Don't be scared if in the first month or so you haven't been invited anywhere.. it's normal for people to want to get to know you first. I hear living in a dorm helps with making friends, but I lived off campus so I wouldn't know.
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Re: Isolation

Postby Glueckskeks » March 2nd, 2011, 11:40 am

I've been having pretty much the same problems as you, to be honest. To some extent, I still have them, but they're getting better.
Looking back, getting to know people over the internet has actually helped me pretty much. I realized I didn't talk about myself much, and probably seemed disinterested or socially awkward to most people. Becoming more open towards people on the net probably made me more open in real life as well.
I also had to accept that I don't have all that much in common with quite many people I've known for a long time. You just change so much and in different ways when you grow up. It's sad but you have to accept it

My advice is, try talking more to people about yourself, your opinions etc. and try not to be too shy. The friend with whom you're in the bus together, for example. Try talking to her about what you think of the latest happenings at school, exams, teachers and such and don't be afraid to voice your opinion. If you want to have a conversation, amke the first step. You should also really try to get to know new people, for example while doing work in groups at school. Also, as has been mentioned, try not to be friends with just someone, but with someone you really want to be friends with.
I wish you good luck. You're really not alone in this, and you can always talk to me.
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Re: Isolation

Postby MacSimon » March 2nd, 2011, 11:05 pm

Well i guess i'm at that point too. Everyday i have to stay at home since nobody else is, and so far, everytime i tried to contact my friends they usually tell me an hour later they ain't coming to whatever i plan. They don't make plans either, or for some reason they don't make me part of it.

I hope that everyone's right when they say college is where everything changes, because i REALLY hope that's true. Summer always tears friends apart for a while.
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Re: Isolation

Postby Guest » March 11th, 2011, 7:38 am

You know, I am the exact same way. XD I prefer being by myself, but at the same time, I do want some friends to hang out with. I just want some friends that seem to actually care when I come to them with an issue(even though i help them with theirs...). I decided a while ago to just wait until college, where there will be people who not only have the same interests as I do, but will also try to help me when I have a problem going on.

I think it would be nice to talk to someone else who has this problem. :) If you want, you can PM me. :D
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Re: Isolation

Postby kyupol » April 15th, 2011, 8:21 pm

you are different from them.

that can be a good thing. Stop crying over it. Deal with it. Re-frame it. Perhaps you are smarter than they? Perhaps you still have that flicker of light in your soul that has been brainwashed out of the majority of people?

Whatever it is, train your brain to stop seeking the approval of others.

Be still. Relax. Let it all go.
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