I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

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I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby Warlin » January 21st, 2012, 6:14 pm

Okay that's probably an esoteric title for a topic. *Shrug*
I have come to the great gurus of the Smack Jeeves Forums once again to help me with my life trials.

Before I can really get to the issue, I need to talk about a couple of different circles of friends I have. I have my family friends, which consist of my two uncles and my aunt, who are all about in my same age group(don't ask), who are all rather steadfast and loyal to me being family and all, but they're never around.(Two of them are off at college, and the third is in the airforce.) Then, I have a group of online friends, people I've known for about seven years now, who fight constantly, but we have a strong family bond despite this, and I've actually managed to meet one of them in person. They're the people I want to hang out with all the time, but kind of hard since we all live in different states and even countries. Finally, I have my standard grouping of friends. We hang out at the nerdshop in town, play WoW, trade magic cards, buy eachother food, and generally just hang out. These guys? They're assholes. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Alright, let me uh, get down to the dirty now. I've been having quite a lot of nightmares and dreams about fighting one of my roommates and either winning or losing. When I win, it's fantastic, like I got past some sort of evil monolith, but when I lose, well, uh it's horrible, but he just pulls me back up with that grin he always has and proceeds to act like it never even happened. The truth is, this guy is great. He's a reliable, honest person. He's also a sociopath, but I don't really focus too much on that. He basically says everything straight. Everything.

My family, well my mother's side of the family, is a rather uh 'cultured' one to say the least. Acts of sexual debauchery and pleasure are unfortunately commonplace for my mom and I get to hear them all the time coming from the basement. She runs through boyfriends like water. My brother is... not any better. At all. I don't want to get into detail, but because of what he did on New Year's Eve, there's a good chance he could have HIV. Which I of course screamed at him about, him being my brother and all.

Roommate friend? He catches wind of these things pretty easy because for some reason my mother likes to announce every single time she's ever had a sexual encounter. And my brother pretty much lets everything loose whenever he has even a single beer in him.

I am the laughing stock of my local friends. The laughing stock. Well, rather my family is, and I get the brunt of it, as if I am one of them. As if what they've done is what I've done. They constantly talk about how I must be sex-depraved all the time and make comparisons to my brother and my mother. I can usually shrug it off, but sometimes they go too far, and when I try to defend myself, they just snicker. I try to defend my mother and my brother too, don't get me wrong, but it's pretty hard to defend two separate train wrecks. Roommate friend is the worst. He doesn't stop until he's absolutely sure everyone has heard him, and he's as big as a bear so I can't really intimidate him or talk him down from being an asshole either.

I'd really like to think that this isn't affecting me, because I have a heart of stone, but I uh, I don't. I'm actually pretty sensitive for a bearded individual. About a week ago, after a long conversation over some food with roommate friend, and a few more personal stabs at me, I got back to my room at about midnight. I sat down for awhile and stared at the wall, and without prior warning, began to sob. It felt like a mixture of just complete defeat and helplessness. And honestly, I don't know what to do. I can't seriously defend my folks when they're asking for it, but I can't take the abuse for them anymore. I'm too scared to challenge the sociopath, and although I'd trade this group of friends for my online ones in a heartbeat, that isn't going to happen any time soon. So, I guess I need some advice on what to do.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby Cave » January 21st, 2012, 6:54 pm

Wow, I hope your brother is okay. Has he been tested yet? :(

I think you need to just tell people straight out to knock it off. Like "Dude, guys, stop. It's not funny. I'm not like them." If they can't respect you, then they're doing a crappy job of being "friends". But if they don't know it's hurting you... then they uh have no idea and will never stop.

Though moving out on your own would also help a lot, but I'm assuming that's not a likely possibility in the near future for you. :(
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby RyoSoulreaper » January 21st, 2012, 7:11 pm

Eh, my 2 cents will be input now I guess.

For the roommate situation, You got 2 choices. Move out or Suck it up and stand up to the Goliath. To make your living conditions shitty emotionally dose not a good roommate make.

The Family, Your bro needs to be tested. Nag the balls off him until he gets tested.

The "Friends" Either tell them to shut the hell up and stop that tomfoolery or cut them off. Try not to hang with them as much if they are really getting to you, or just tell them what they are doing to you and handle it from there.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby suneater » January 22nd, 2012, 2:58 am

Kill them all. With fire.

On a more serious note, desensitize yourself. Stop caring so much and cut off your social connections to both your mother and brother. Don't defend yourself, laugh at them, knowing you have nothing to do with them and their antics.

If I came up to you and called you a raccoon fucker, you'd probably laugh it off. I'd figure this guy probably doesn't fuck raccoons and we would have a good laugh about it. Now, if you or someone connected to you actually had sex with raccoons, you'd probably get mad or sad. Heck this reaction makes it funnier for me, the guy pulling your leg. I'd be all like "Wow, he probably does fuck raccoons, time to think of raccoon fucking jokes and pester you all night with it".

Note I wouldn't actually do this, I hate it when people make jokes at the expense of their friends. I'm just saying having a sense of humor about it discourages it, turns it into something you can deal with and forget about. I've found that in life you can cry or laugh about things, doing the latter tends to make it more livable.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby Cave » January 22nd, 2012, 11:30 am

suneater wrote:Kill them all. With fire.

On a more serious note, desensitize yourself. Stop caring so much and cut off your social connections to both your mother and brother. Don't defend yourself, laugh at them, knowing you have nothing to do with them and their antics.

If I came up to you and called you a raccoon fucker, you'd probably laugh it off. I'd figure this guy probably doesn't fuck raccoons and we would have a good laugh about it. Now, if you or someone connected to you actually had sex with raccoons, you'd probably get mad or sad. Heck this reaction makes it funnier for me, the guy pulling your leg. I'd be all like "Wow, he probably does fuck raccoons, time to think of raccoon fucking jokes and pester you all night with it".

Note I wouldn't actually do this, I hate it when people make jokes at the expense of their friends. I'm just saying having a sense of humor about it discourages it, turns it into something you can deal with and forget about. I've found that in life you can cry or laugh about things, doing the latter tends to make it more livable.


Wow.

I don't agree with this at all.

It seems as a society we always want people to not have emotions. Emotions are weak, kind of thing. Just brush it off, no big deal, whatever. Not trying to say this is completely invalid, I've learned to brush things off. But I really don't think that applies to this situation.

Especially since he says he's been brushing it off. And how did that go? Having a small breakdown suddenly. >.>
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby suneater » January 22nd, 2012, 1:33 pm

Oh true, it's a rather coldhearted approach. Sadly it is how society works. It's the next best thing next to making new friends and finding a new roommate.

Cave wrote:Especially since he says he's been brushing it off. And how did that go? Having a small breakdown suddenly. >.>


Warlin wrote:I can usually shrug it off, but sometimes they go too far, and when I try to defend myself, they just snicker. I try to defend my mother and my brother too, don't get me wrong, but it's pretty hard to defend two separate train wrecks.


He's been trying as far as I can tell but messes up by making a big deal about it. I'm saying he shouldn't defend them at all or even feel offended at all when jokes come his way , he is not his family. It just makes him a bigger target.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby blankd » January 22nd, 2012, 8:10 pm

Alright this will sound harsh and difficult but frankly your current set of "friends" are abusing you. I don't know why some feel the obligation to continue these sorts of relationships (yes friendships are a kind of relationship) but you need to recognize that you do not deserve this kind of shit. I don't care how many cards they trade with you or how many meals they buy for you, if they can't respect you, you stop being friends with them, plain and simple. You are not defined by your parents, no one is.

If you want to try and preserve the friendship, say that you do not appreciate that treatment and if they do it anymore you will cut off ties with them, if they laugh or insult you again for saying that, simply leave, get a new set of friends.

As for your roommate, just don't talk to him, sever all communication with him or try to get away from him. I know the latter is difficult but frankly you don't deserve it.

The other part of that that might need to be addressed is how you're coping with your family, despite what people say, you are clearly feeling guilt or shame over things you have no control over. You need to come to an understanding that your mother is an adult, she makes her own choices and her sexual activities have nothing to do with you and (possibly?) have little impact on you. Sex is unfortunately a thing people sometimes overdo- as for your brother, the possibility of being HIV positive is terrifying and it should have had an impact on his views of sex, if it hasn't he has more serious issues than being sexually irresponsible (he's being self-destructive if that's the case).

In short, cut off your ties with your asshole friends, you don't owe them your dignity, try to find new ones. You don't owe your roommate entertainment and you don't owe your mother or brother defense for when people talk shit about them, if they don't bother to defend themselves, you shouldn't either, don't murder your emotions over them. It will be hard to accept at first and I'm not trying to neglect your emotions but I am trying to tell you, you need to act on when enough is enough rather than suffer for it because "there were some good times".

Hope that helps and hope everything turns out better for you, your situation certainly sucks.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby corruption » January 23rd, 2012, 5:00 am

First of all, don't try to defend your mother or brother. They have made their own situations, and now must deal with them.

Sounds to me like your "friends" are trolling you and want you to react like that. Here is one thing you can do; If the person joking about you being horny and perverted all the time is a girl, ask her if she wants to find out. Either she will take you up on it, or stop joking like that (either result will be a win for you.) If it's a guy, you may or may not try the same method, or you could just ask them, while they are doing this publicly, to stop fantasising about you have sex. Sure you take it as a compliment, but you just aren't into them.

That should make them think twice about that.

If they start making fun of your brother possibly having Aids, tell them bluntly that Aids is no laughing matter, and to shut the hell up about it.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby blankd » January 23rd, 2012, 9:07 am

corruption wrote:Here is one thing you can do; If the person joking about you being horny and perverted all the time is a girl, ask her if she wants to find out. Either she will take you up on it, or stop joking like that (either result will be a win for you.) If it's a guy, you may or may not try the same method, or you could just ask them, while they are doing this publicly, to stop fantasising about you have sex. Sure you take it as a compliment, but you just aren't into them.

Don't do this, you'll just be digging a deeper hole for yourself.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby Warlin » January 23rd, 2012, 2:04 pm

Alright, I've read over everything, and I've had quite awhile to think about this now, I think blankd's advice is probably the most accurate summary of what the point you guys are trying to get across is. So I guess the next time they get on my nerves, I'm just going to offer them an ultimatum. Either they cool their jets and stop projecting my mother and my brother onto me, or I sever my ties to them. I mean, truthfully I don't really need their friendship. I just enjoy it. Sometimes. Besides, I have the power to kick said roommate out if I really need to. I'm sure that'll get his ears perked up.

Thanks for helping me out here. I like to blow things out of proportion. A lot.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby finalformsora0619 » January 25th, 2012, 1:48 pm

Wow.... this is one hell of a hole you're in...

I can't necessarily relate to the family situation, but I've dealt with my share of asshole friends throughout my life, mostly in high school. As much as it sucks, the best thing to do is to distance yourself from those people and associate with them as little as possible. People should not have the right to be so abusive to their friends, whether it seems like they're joking or not. There's always a line between being funny and being hurtful. If you feel that line is crossed, stand up for yourself and say "Guys, that was really offensive, you need to stop." If they don't listen, then they really aren't your friends and you need to drop them. There are true blue people in this world but your friends don't seem that way if they rag on you for something you have no power over. Your family is your family, you can't change what they do, only try your best to tell them that what they're doing may not be healthy for them, and in the case of your brother, you should hound him until he gets looked at for HIV. It's no laughing matter and if your friends can't see that you've got real problems, you need to leave them. And fighting back doesn't make you a bad person: it makes you a strong person that is willing to stand up for himself EVEN in the midst of fear. You don't have to lack fear to be strong, it's actually those that fight through their fears that are stronger.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby Warlin » February 1st, 2012, 1:07 pm

Update. And also good news!

...Strange thing. I've been taking a little more time off from my friends and giving myself some more me-time, and suddenly oh god my life is so much better, but I also started doing that thing back to roommate and other jerkish friends that they do to me. Where they turn one of their jokes around on me and make it seem like I'm stupid or gay or something?
AND IT ACTUALLY WORKS.

I got roommate friend so upset that he hasn't dared do it since. It's been about four or five days. I'm feelin' pretty mighty right about now, folks.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby mitchellbravo » February 1st, 2012, 1:17 pm

Warlin wrote:I got roommate friend so upset that he hasn't dared do it since. It's been about four or five days. I'm feelin' pretty mighty right about now, folks.

LOL. It's petty, but sometimes people don't realize how much they're hurting others until they get a dose of it themselves. As long as you don't start extending the tactic to other innocents, you're good. Well played.
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Re: I'm still learning and it's getting harder.[Adultish]

Postby Cave » February 1st, 2012, 11:44 pm

Warlin wrote:Update. And also good news!

...Strange thing. I've been taking a little more time off from my friends and giving myself some more me-time, and suddenly oh god my life is so much better, but I also started doing that thing back to roommate and other jerkish friends that they do to me. Where they turn one of their jokes around on me and make it seem like I'm stupid or gay or something?
AND IT ACTUALLY WORKS.

I got roommate friend so upset that he hasn't dared do it since. It's been about four or five days. I'm feelin' pretty mighty right about now, folks.


Glad to hear things are working out for ya! o_o
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